I disagree fellas...You are still a family. It's just different now. She'll always be the mother of your precious angel. IMHO, you may have to be the bigger person here. Peace. Goldey
Me:44, WAW hx bi-polar H:48, hx of abuse S:22, S:19, D:16 Filed Oct 08, dismissed Filed again Jan 10, dismissed Now Piecing alter persona: SuperBoots
I disagree fellas...You are still a family. It's just different now. She'll always be the mother of your precious angel. IMHO, you may have to be the bigger person here. Peace. Goldey
Very accurate Goldey, but in order for there to be a strong family unit for Mike's daughter the two of them need to figure out how to coparent without the disdain that is currently being shared for one another.
In the state of tennessee your taxes are based on your marital status as of 12/31/08. There are no if's, and's, or but's about it. If you are legally divorced by that day then you cannot file as married. It's that simple.
I get that.
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As far as the emails go, brother you have to step back and really see what is going on here. She lost the connection, she chose th epath, she is all alone, and she is facing her decisions right now. This is no different then teh initial adios you were given.
She will try and point out what you are doing wrong in order to offset her own guilt and feelings of failure and responsibility for where you find yourself today.
Divorce ends the marriage, it does not end the insanity. Try to think through some of this stuff logically and figure out what the best approach is to address the issue itself and not simply defend your position or status.
I got that too. Ian, the emails from my end are about Caleigh only. I have interjected nothing else. Brian has seen the emails. I'll gladly share with you. I have not been an ass. I have not defended myself against any spew she has thrown at me. My take on all this is, " This is business". Nothing else. I'm taking care of the business at hand. I'm attempting to co-parent with her, making everything as fair as possible and to be honest skewing most things her way so I can at least get partially what I want.
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The amount of control you give her is all up to you. The amount you allow her attitude to affect your day is up to you. The amount of time you spend on HER is your choice..... My point in this, you are doing some of this to yourself and it all started with her folks showing up.
I understand this. Actaully I had let "her dad showing up" go. She brought that up again this morning via email about a totally unrelated subject which had to do with coparenting and the divorce papers that I reviewed.
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I would like to see Mike take control again and disengage from the things that are bringing you down. I will be home tonight, maybe we can chat a bit......
I hear ya..Mike took control this morning at 8:30...no more emails from her since then.
Ian, understand..I'm attempting to handle this in a very business like way. I would think that if you were here right now and had watched me over the last few days that you would be very proud of me at the moment. Yes..a few moments have sucked. I could have went off but never did and don't plan on it..Is my day a total loss?? No way..have I had moments where I could have beat the crap out of a punching bag?? Yes. have I felt like calling her up and telling her what I think?? Yes..have I felt like calling my FIL and telling him to F**K off..OH helll yess I have..but like you said..I control myself, it's all I can control...
so I bring this chitt here..cause you guys will listen...I won't hear bullchitt about it here..
we can talk..I'll be around..beer run for me after work then maybe a nap..I had a long night last night..
Mike, if she is blaming or attacking in her communication to you, respond that you require some cordial respect otherwise you will continue to ignore her spews. On the phone, when she gets to a spewing, just say "this conversation is over" and press the hangup button.
I disagree fellas...You are still a family. It's just different now. She'll always be the mother of your precious angel. IMHO, you may have to be the bigger person here. Peace. Goldey
No, I don't think we are a family as a family is percieved. There will always be things done separately. Hopefully years down the road we will be able to one day be at functions with each others family. I'm afraid at the present family battle lines have been drawn. It's not about being the bigger person at the moment. It's about co-parenting. She can't get past her anger...
Mike, if she is blaming or attacking in her communication to you, respond that you require some cordial respect otherwise you will continue to ignore her spews. On the phone, when she gets to a spewing, just say "this conversation is over" and press the hangup button.
Yes, I understand that. There are no phone convos..only time we hear each others voice is when we call to talk to Caleigh. That is very cordial. I always go out of my way to make sure she talks to Caleigh when she feels the need. Most of the spew in emails is just that, spew...even though I'm talking business she usually throws in spew in her answers...all this was brought on by me asking if I could have Caleigh for my mom's family reunion this Sunday. I asked for 7 extra hours..so part of that of the spew is due to that, part is due to me not engaging her dad/step mom. I explained the reason to her for not engaging them. I felt it was a sneak attack..any reasonable person(since she truly knows how her dad feels about me)would have given me a heads up..just so a scene would not be made...seeing how she brought two alpha males together one could assume that there was a potential for fireworks...so I diffused the sitch as best I could..which was ignore them. I could have engaged and run the risk of more insults, an all out verbal attack by them all..or worse. I did what was best for me in that sitch..To be honest I did not care what was best for Kim, David or Nancy..Caleigh was asleep during the exchange so she knows nothing of my "high Hat".
hey bro, don't get my post wrong... I am very proud of you. What I was addressing is how you handle it after the fact. Within yourself, when you post. You see it's one thing to step up and be the bigger man and handle your business, it's quite another to allow the resounding afteraffects to mess up your day and perspective.
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I have not been an ass. I have not defended myself against any spew she has thrown at me. My take on all this is, " This is business". Nothing else. I'm taking care of the business at hand.
I know you haven't been an asss, and that is why I am so proud of you. After all it would be very easy to take your shots at her and you have risen above all that nonsense.
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Ian, understand..I'm attempting to handle this in a very business like way.
Mikey I read a lot about business and leadership principles. I used to have a very business like approach as well until I listened to a speech by Lee Iacocca. Here:
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The only rock I know that stays steady, the only institution I know that works, is the family.
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In times of great stress or adversity, it's always best to keep busy, to plow your anger and your energy into something positive
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In prosperity we need moderation; in adversity, patience
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I forgot to shake hands and be friendly. It was an important lesson about leadership
One of the things I love about Lee is that he always emphasized that business is personal. He speaks quite often about how when we get "to business like" we tend to lose sight of the end goal and miss out on opportunities to develop relationships.
My point mike, it is business, but because of that little angel that you two created, it will always be personal as well. I don't think you need to be her buddy, I would question it if you were, I do however think that maybe you need to be just a touch personal with her. The marriage part is over, today it is simply about raising a princess.......
I get all that Ian. TBH..it affects me far shorter than what it once did. I had a good day yesterday and a good night last night.
yes, you are correct/ I'm not very personal with her at the moment. I'm really not there yet. I don't know when I'll be there. Maybe when the spew stops I can get there. I just don't have that desire at this time. I have to play into her drama to be personal, that's the only way she can engage me..with the drama..I know the old Mike..if I interject myself into the drama then old Mike will reappear..Old Mike will fight and argue..and I'm actaully not about that now. I'm pretty tired of that.
She sems to want me to care right now Ian and to be honest, I don't. That may make me a bad person. I don't know. I could care less about her parents/step parents/family and their business.
I know you have had a rough two days and I do not know what your FIL said about you and I know the wound is still fresh but they are still Caleigh's grandparents and although it will be many years till she is older and you will be forced to interact with them it would be nice for her if you had atleast a cordial relationship with them. I'm not saying you should not have been warned that they would be there on Sunday. All I am saying is that your anger came from somewhere. Was it the fact that they were there or was it because they tried to talk to you like nothing has or is happening or are you angry at how you acted.
The first two you can do nothing about but if it is the last one then I think you need to figure out if what you did was the right choice and if it was then you have nothing to be angry about and owe nobody an apology. If you did not handle it in a way you liked then you need to decide how you will handle it next time and prepare yourself for them possibly being there.
This is JMHO, I was not there and I dont know everything that went down but you are the better person and you need to be true to yourself and as long as you are then to he11 with what any of your ex's thinks or says about you.
All I am saying is that your anger came from somewhere. Was it the fact that they were there or was it because they tried to talk to you like nothing has or is happening or are you angry at how you acted.
I'm pissed because my batchitt crazy, AOMR, dipchitt STBX wife Kim does not have the mental frinkin capacity to give me a heads up. I think it was done for chitts and giggles. I think it was no win for me no matter what I did. I'm 100% positive that if something out of the way had been said to me in that sitch then something bad would have happened. It was a sneak attack on Kim's part and on her dad/step mom's part.
Let me ask...they all know how this has went. They are all well aware of how Kim feels towards me. They have all been copied on her emails by her..so if they know, then why get out of the car??? Why not just sit in the car. Let the exchange happen, then them be on their merry way?? It would have been the simplest way for all involved.
Kim and I have never had any exchange problems..the problme they all have now...MIKE did not engage them..so their chitts and giggles were ruined.
So I feel good that I did not engage. I think they all suck due to their actions in this. I'm not in this to make them feel good about them..screw them..
and the way Kim acts and her actions...well she's pretty pathetic.
