I'm sorry that I've taken such a long break off the BB. I've had some trouble accessing some sites from work and haven't gotten the internet hooked up at home yet.
I can't really remember where I left off. H is at home with me & D4. Things have been getting better. He's told me that it's over with OW. I'm not 100% sold on that so I'm being cautious, yet trying to work on things and be happy at the same time.
D4 and I have started going back to church. She loves Sunday school and I love the hour of peace sitting in the service by myself. H doesn't want to go with us just yet. He'll be going later in the month though, as D4 sings in church at the end of Oct.. He won't miss that. I've started pulling out some crafts that I used to do. It's been so many years since I've touched them. I'd kind of let go of everything that made me happy, so I've been looking for them again. I finally put up the last few pictures in my apartment.....after only 2 1/2 months. It actually looks liveable now!
Back to H & OW. I know that he's talked to her....or called her a few times. I told him that if it's going to work with us then there needs to be no contact with her. I told him that I didn't want the occassional call turning into the occassional visit and then building back up from there. He had an angry tone, but said that it wouldn't. He's not one that likes to be told what to do, but I didn't feel like I had a choice. I told him that I don't want to hide the feelings & thoughts anymore. I told him that I held my feelings and thoughts in for too long and it almost cost me my marriage. I'd like to hear from OW's H to see how things are on his side, but I don't want to call & disturb anything there. H has been pretty quiet the past week or so. Work has been slow for him, his dad is getting better, but he still worries about him.....and he had to send his brother $$$ to help cover his dad's prescriptions. Despite him being quiet, he's been more involved with us. As a surprise he bought us (me, D4 & my mom) tickets to go see Playhouse Disney Live on Sunday. He knows I love taking D4 to things like that.
Oh, back in late Spring, H bought tickets for a November 15th theater showing of "Wicked". I knew that the 15th was around OW's b-day. The same night I talked to him about the no contact, I asked him about those tickets. He told me that he would sell them. I know he hasn't yet, but he asked me the other day if I'd seen a box he used to keep in his dresser. It has the tickets in it and he needs to get them sold.
H's next court date for his DUI is next Thursday. I think that's the date that we'll find out what's what....if it gets dismissed or if it goes on his record. The Chemical Dependency counselor called ME yesterday. She wanted to follow up on OUR conversation regarding H's drinking. We didn't have a lot of time to talk the day we went to see her. She said that she still had some questions for me and wanted to clarify some things, as she felt that H hadn't been completely honest with her about the quantity he drinks when he does drink. After our conversation, she told me that she is not only recommending a level 2 class but also that he abstain from drinking for 6 months. In her words, "I want to see him dry out and see how life really can be without the use of alcohol". She claims that he will be required to follow her recommendation.
Joie....welcome back. I saw your post about you and your H. I'm sorry that he's drinking again. I know you said that it's not as bad as before, but it would be nice if he could have quit all together.
D4 is doing wonderful! She got her haircut short and she loves it. We call her the "sassy little thing" now! Grandma and Grandpa are coming today for a visit and will be here through Monday. She doesn't have school on Monday so they're going to watch her for us. They have grand plans for the weekend.....apple orchard, maybe a movie, crafts, buying a pumpkin....etc. I'm sure my mom will get some snuggle time in too! They just love spending time together. Makes my heart happy.
Work for me has been really, really busy. Even though our business is doing okay, they have gone into extreme cost cutting mode. No one is allowed any more overtime. I got used to having some on each check, so that will take a little getting used to. Despite the cost cutting, there is a work event tomorrow night. It should be fun. I've been helping with the set up and will have to work part of it tomorrow night. D4 will be with my parents all weekend, so it will be a good time for H and I to spend some time alone too.
Well, back to work. Just a few hours left of the week!
Have a great weekend everyone. I'll check out posts as soon as I can to stop by and say hi to everyone.
SueS
ME: 42, H: 42, D6 Together: 18 yrs. Married: 15 yrs. Attended Retrouvaille - December 2009 Status: Working on it day by day
I've missed you. Sounds like you have been leading a very full life. From reading your post it seems like your H is having a lot more patience and time for you DD also. I'm glad things have improved so much for you.
Hugs, Yoyo
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
Sue! Wow, I have to go back and read your last thread (or two, probably). The last I knew your H was full-speed ahead on getting his own life. Again, wow! I know you have a hard road ahead of you, but the road behind you has been rough, too, and you've made it through.
I'm still dealing with the contact with OW and it's rough, but getting better. The toughest part is learning to trust again.
Joie
p.s. Hi to LO and Yoyo ... gotta find your threads, too.
It's a typical fall morning. Rainy, beautiful colors on the trees, cool outside. I love it!
Well, the weekend was good. My parents arrived around 5:00 on Friday. D4 was so excited to see them and show them her new short haircut. My mom took a picture of the two of us (now both with short hair), so I'll send it to a few of you.
We went out for dinner on Friday evening and H actually joined us. He and my folks did very well. We had a good time. On Sat., H worked, my folks to D4 to an apple orchard and me.....I got about 5 hours ALL TO MYSELF!! It was wonderful. I helped H with a few things when he got home and then I headed off to my company party. I was supposed to go back home later and pick H up, but he decided to just stay home. Instead of running home to sit with him, I decided to stay for a while. It was fun. The theme was Oktoberfest. We had a great band, german food, german beer.....just a lot of fun.
Then, the fun ended when I got home. I decided to take a look at H's phone. I hadn't seen any calls in about a week. Well, there was a call to her about 1/2 hr. before I got home. H had been drinking earlier in the night.....and so had I. Big mistake to start something. H had sobered up a bit by the time I got home, but was asleep on the couch. I woke H up....
I got ANGRY.... Me: Why the "F" are you still calling her? H: I don't know. Don't worry about it. Me: Did you talk to her? H: No. Me: Did you leave her a message? H: No. Me: Then what good did it do you to call her? H: I don't know. Me: You're words and some of your actions are telling me that you want to be here but other actions are saying that you haven't let go of her yet. Me: Do you understand that every time you call her, you might as well kick me in the stomach or slap me in the face? That's how it makes me feel. Me: H, is it over? H: Yes. Me: Then let it go.
A few minutes later....... Me: H, all I wanted this weekend was to spend time with you. D4 is with Grandma & Grandpa. I just wanted to have fun with you...just with you.
I just walked away and went to bed.
Yesterday I got up and went to church. I stopped by the hotel and picked my parents & D4 up on the way. It was nice. Then we all went back to our place. H had offered to cook for all of us. He was fine all day. H had bought tickets for Playhouse Disney Live for D4, myself & my mom. We went last night and D4 had a blast. I dropped them off at the hotel and went home. H was quiet, but talked to me a little more.
That's about where things are at. Me seeing a few things from H that say he wants to be here, but still seeing things that say he doesn't and that he's having a hard time letting go of OW.
I need to get busy at work!!
Have a great day.
-SueS
ME: 42, H: 42, D6 Together: 18 yrs. Married: 15 yrs. Attended Retrouvaille - December 2009 Status: Working on it day by day
Hi Sue, Glad to hear that many things are getting better for you. The high point of your posts, to me, was your joy when you talked about your 5 hours of "Me Time." You deserve that, on a regular basis. What's more, having happy time by yourself makes you a better person in all of your relationships as well. Keep it up!
I'm sorry you are still having to deal with H's deceit. I do hope the judge really throws the book at him with the class and the no-alcohol rule (how the heck can they enforce that though?) I think that letting go of that crutch would do him a world of good towards growing up and stopping acting like a selfish, spoiled, bullying child.
Thread #10 22 year M, MLC, Piecing since 1/07 Goal: Live with confidence & enthusiasm!
They can enforce it. They put him on probation and he has to report daily for urine analysis and breathalyzer tests. My son was put on antabuse, a drug that they crushed and he had to inhale in their presence. The drug causes the person to have a severe physical reaction to alcohol. One beer produces heart-attack like symptoms. More than that, and you need to go to the emergency room. My son was on it for 6 months. He only tried to drink with it once.
Sounds like things are looking up for the most part and I am happy...but....be careful with the contact with OW. This sounds alot like my H and he would text her when drinking. Its not right. He should have no contact with her for himself and out of respect for you. I am not buying the stuff that says its a gradual thing. If he is serious, he should be taking the actions of not contacting her and if she contacts him he shouldn't respond. I lived this for months. I would catch him, he would play it off like no big deal or promise not to do it again and a few weeks later I would catch him again.
Please be careful. Have your boundaries and let him know what they are. Don't let him cake eat again.
I don't want to sound negative but it seems like your H changed his tune when he found himself homeless. IMO, contact with OW is unacceptable if he is working on R with you.
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
Sue, Thursday's a big day for you and LWB! I know that despite all his faults, and the crap he's pulled, that you love him. None of us want to see bad or tough things happen to those we love, but I hope something good comes out of his DUI. That's what I keep hoping for my H, too.
As far as the contact with OW. That sucks. I know there are people who can quit addictions cold turkey, but they're not in the majority. But it such a slap in the face to us -- but they can't see that. But if it was the first call you'd seen in a week, that's positive!
Thursday's a big day for you and LWB! I know that despite all his faults, and the crap he's pulled, that you love him. None of us want to see bad or tough things happen to those we love, but I hope something good comes out of his DUI. That's what I keep hoping for my H, too.
Joie
That's true. I kind of think a lot of our WAS are addicts: be it alcohol or OP or whatever. They all have that addictive personality, and they say they have to hit bottom before they can truly get better. So I do hope this will be it for your H, Sue. And so glad to see you back here!!! Karen
