Q&A with the WAS

[marriedCrazy]

I know for me... I need to be emotionally connected to want physical touch. I don' t think that is uncommon for most women.

For me it has to do with trust... If I can't trust you with my emotions, why would I trust you with my body??

My WAW has said the very thing to me; yet she can go out and find a new OM and sex with him within a day. Explain that one to me if you could?

On that day, her trust in him caring for her emotionally outweighed her trust in you for the same.

That is how I would explain it. How sure are you he was 'new'??

Well, from the phone records; she was only communicating with one OM for less than 2 weeks. Next OM within a couple of days.

She was also posting on personals detailing what bar she was going to be in and how to find her.

[istherehope]

Hi,

Adding questiions here for the WA spouses on this board...I know I am in a different sitch as I have a WAH, but it's still always useful. Sorry to be so wordy, but I think the background will help before asking the questions...

In a nutshell, my H has been depressed, maybe some form of MLC (but without OW) etc. for the past few months. I've been living out of the country for a bit on foreign assignment (free way to do a trial separation) and H finally asked when I was coming back. He FREAKED out as though he had thought that I would never be returning, made some ludicrous suggestions about me going other places to work for a few more months etc. This was first by IM and then by phone, and I had never seen or heard such ridiculous spew, being married to me was like prison, I was a bully, couldn't I just leave him alone, I was so selfish etc., etc. It was like a temper tantrum. I was about 75% good, a few backslides talking about how I'd changed, and pushing the fact that I wanted to work on the relationship, but given what I was dealing with, I think I did well.

The next day it was like the fog lifted and there was a rainbow. He wrote me this email that was the first positive thing I've heard from him in ages. It wasn't all positive of course, but he said he missed me, and was willing to try (although still skeptical and not wanting to live together). I didn't respond to the email right away as I wanted to think about it. The next morning I got an IM asking if I'd seen it. I was away, and when I came back just changed the subject. He then asked me again if I'd seen it a couple of hours later, said the main messages were he missed me, and was willing to try, and we'd see where things go.

I told him yes that I had just wanted to think things through before responding. He said no response needed but I did so anyway just thanking him for having the courage to share his feelings with me, agreeing that we should take things slow, and validating wherever I could without being too eager.

So, my questions to you...do you think this is a normal part of the process, that a MASSIVE amount of negativity has to be diffused before any efforts can be made? If you said things like this to your S and he was calm, did this change your feelings afterwards?

If your S changed and started reacting calmly to anger and upset, did this make you angry?

If someone who has spoken only in absolute negatives for the past few months suddenly starts acting a little bit positive, does this seem like a true sign of improvement? If, in your sitches, you ever said positive things did you mean them even if you didn't mean all of the negatives?

If you had or did offer a small olive branch to your LBS how would you have wanted to see him react?

Thanks for your insight. As of now I am just acting like it's business as usual, not reaching out to H, responding only reactively and matching his tone etc.

ITH

[Bridgestone]

So, my questions to you...do you think this is a normal part of the process, that a MASSIVE amount of negativity has to be diffused before any efforts can be made?

yes very much so, but I'd be surprised if he worked through it that quickly?? From what I'ver read the stages of reconciliation have to start with diminishing of negative emotion.

If you said things like this to your S and he was calm, did this change your feelings afterwards?

not sure how you mean 'change their feelings afterwards'.. do you mean the resentment? diminshing it faster??

I think it has to do with being understood.. if the LBS is reacting in anger & defensive, it is hard to get validated & feel understood. If the LBS is calm & detached and just goes 'uh-huh' that isn't helpful either. It needs to be empathetic listening, IMHO.

If your S changed and started reacting calmly to anger and upset, did this make you angry?

No, but my H (LBS) has anger issues so most times he was angry and intense it shut me down or it stirred the pot more, I got more defensive, more scared, and I retreated behind my wall to snipe at him until he went away and quit hurting me with his words.

when he can listen calmly, empathetically.. he gets a lot more out of me that is 'real'. Otherwise when he is intense & loud & angry what I can give him is pure BS.

If you had or did offer a small olive branch to your LBS how would you have wanted to see him react?

with compassion, forgiveness, no resentment, kindness, understanding, empathy, love


good luck
Peace
Bridge

[Very Scared 54]

(((Christarn)))

This maybe an improper questionto ask. I do not know all of the protocols here. If this is wrong please let me know.
Are you OK? I haven't seen you here thios weekend.

I emailed my WAW today. I am trying to stay DARK, but I could not help myself. Sometimes I have needed to make myself happy and emailing her makes me happy. She out of town at a business meeting and I went to a spot that we like. (Paraphrasing) I told her how great the place looked and wished she were with me. I sent the email mid-day and haven’t gotten an email back in response at the time of this post.

I probably screwed up again, but I guess shouldn’t expect anything if it wasn’t asked for by her. I was kind of hoping that she would remember the good things we have done and what it could be again. I know I am thinking like an LBS.

Anyone have any thoughts? How would any of you guys react?

[christarn]

Veryscared I am fine! This was my weekend to work, on top of that, I am in school full time, friday I have my research proposal due...what does that mean you are wondering: a 20-30 page type written paper...yes puke, puke, puke!! I am working on Master's degree in Nursing! I will say one thing...it keeps my mind off of the H and my sitch!

It's not against protocol here to ask if people are ok, just can't leave any personal contact info, or stuff like that...other than that they're pretty laid back!

i would, as hard as it is, lay off...let her do the communicating with you. if/when she's ready to talk, she will...give her some time.

thanks for checking on me!
Christa

[Very Scared 54]

(((Christarn)))

I totally understand about weekend or (60 hr week) work and going to school at the same time. I did it too, both of us did and with kids at home. It will take your mind off of a lot of things.

I know I need to lay off. I will wait and see. Thnaks

I glade your OK. Have a good week.

[christarn]

thanks VS...you have a great week too. I am/have cut back at work, just can't do it; get good grades and work, school requires way too much of me right now. And I'm not going to pay a poop load of money just to fail a bunch of classes!!! it's not worth it!! So i'm down to 2 12's and just a little OT here and there. It still keeps me busy and still pays the bills. That's all that matters!

back to paper writing...bleeckkkkkk

(((vs)))<-----back at ya

christa

[istherehope]

Thanks Bridge,

I really appreciate your thoughtful responses.

In terms of my H working through his resentment so quickly, I'm not sure yet...he HAS been seeing a therapist, and HAS been reading loads of self-help books, and trying to do everything in his power to get himself well as a person, regardless of how the R turns out, so I think if anyone were able to work through something quickly, it would be him, but I don't know for sure. Also for what it's worth, there were no issues of infidelity, lying, abuse or anything in our sitch. He felt that I was controlling; this was the major issue. I am not saying it's not a legitimate one, only that it "should" be easier to deal with than some of the other issues I've seen (I hope!)

What I meant by the LBS acting calmly to your anger was, would this make you feel less angry? I think you answered this though by saying you would be looking for empathetic listening. I hope I have been doing this...I sure have tried!

Thanks also for talking about how you would have wanted your H to react to the olive branch. This is really nice to see. I am going to take your words to heart and hope that I can live up to them.

I hope you are well. Your help is greatly appreciated!

ITH

[Very Scared 54]

Well WAW is coming home to spend the night. This may sound strange to you guys, but let me explain.

We haven't slept in the same house for over 4 months. I have a medical procedure at a hospital an hour away. I have to be there at 6 a.m. She had agreed a long time to go with me to any medical procedure that I have. They found a tumor in my lung in 1/08 before we separated in 6/08. It is not malignant, but it will get bigger if not kept in check. Sorry I digress. Anyway she would have to leave her apt. at 4 a.m. to pick me up and drive another hour back to the hospital. Her email to me said she could drive down early that morning and pick me up. My return email to her was it is totally up to her, but if she would like to come home the night before it was OK. I told her that she could sleep in the extra bedroom and I promised I would not start any hunky-panky.

She just emailed and said that it was a good idea about her coming home the night before. She said she would call me when she leaves her apt. I told that I might be riding my motorcycle, so she should call me and leave me a voicemail.

My horoscope for this week is positive for this type encounter. I know it is silly, but I need all the luck I can get. Wish me luck and I will report back.

Any words of wisdom/advise form anyone out there?

[christarn]

VS54~ where are you located, state wise...I work with one of the best lung surgeons out there. Dr. steve hazelrigg...you can google him, he's pioneered some really GREAT stuff

I do post lung/heart/vascular nursing...let me know if you need anything.


let her make all the decisions, no R talk, be light and fun in the conversations! smile when you talk!

Christa