Q&A with the WAS

[Very Scared 54]

I am a lot better today than I was yesterday. Your feedback has re-knew my hope in my stich. Your concern for me is touching Thank you!!

I am still a little confused why she aloud me to give her a make-out kiss and hug at a party on Friday night and then turns cold the next time I see her on Monday saying “no make-out kiss”. I could tell that she enjoyed the kiss as much as I did. Now she wants to have another R talk. I don’t know which way this talk is going to go.

I have a medical procedure next week and she will be taking me to the hospital. She has planed to pick me up at home drive me to the hospital, stay for the procedure, after the procedure she will drive us to one of our favorite place to eat and then drive me home. I have to be at the hospital a 6 a.m. That means she will have to get-up at 3 a.m. leave her apartment by 4 a.m. to get to our home at 5 a.m., turn around and drive back to the hospital arriving by 6 a.m. She did not ask, but she may be waiting for me to ask her to come home the night before to spend the night.

I don’t know if I should ask if she want to come home the night before or wait to see if she asks?

What do you guys think?

[christarn]

VS~

I would not push her to stay...you will only push her further away...just my 2 cents. If she hints towards wanting to stay, then bring it up. But only if she brings it up.

I'm glad you are doing better.

I think it says a lot that she is taking you to this appt. she could have said "hell no" i'm not getting up at 3am!!! which is what my H would have said!!!

keep up the PMA

christa

[Very Scared 54]

((Christarn))

"I would not push her to stay...you will only push her further away...just my 2 cents. If she hints towards wanting to stay, then bring it up. But only if she brings it up.”

I was leaning that way. At this point in time I have gone DARK. I have tried this before with little success on my part. It is like tell a kid they can’t have any candy and that makes them want it even more. I think she is doing the same thing. Sometimes I think she is reading the same books I am.

“I think it says a lot that she is taking you to this appt. she could have said "hell no" i'm not getting up at 3am!!! which is what my H would have said!!!”

You think this is a good thing?

I think it is as well, but I some times think I see things she does in a more positive light than others. Even though I don’t think in her mind she wants to come back to the M at this point.

Are you sitch improving any? Do you feel you are making headway?
Thanks for keeping up with me.

[Bridgestone]

I think she is doing the same thing. Sometimes I think she is reading the same books I am.

She might be. I came here with that mindset of understanding what I thought might be H's 'playbook' to get me back. It does come up fairly high on search engines when 'divorce' is typed in.

good luck & peace
Bridge

[Very Scared 54]

(( Bridgestone))

Thanks for the feedback!

Did it help you understand what he was doing?
Did it make it harder from him?
Did it make you mad that he was DBing you?
Does it make it hard for LBS?

[Bridgestone]

(( Bridgestone))

Thanks for the feedback!

Did it help you understand what he was doing?
Did it make it harder from him?
Did it make you mad that he was DBing you?
Does it make it hard for LBS?

1- He is NOT DB'ing.. far from it.

2- It would have if he was doing it, it would have made me very very angry at the time & that may have been enough right there for me to file. There are things that if he were to do from DB, probably still would. And would push me VERY hard the other way.

I see some of these techniques, when used with the mindset of 'getting the WAS back' as game playing. When used with the mindset of detachment and GAL (and REALLY TRULY used that way & I see few that do,at least initially) I can understand & appreciate that technique.

3- See above
4- what is 'it'?

[Very Scared 54]

(( Bridgestone))

4. What is “it”? If the WAS knew the LBS game plan (DB) would it be harder?

Truly WITH ALL DUE RESPECT to you and your stich, you said you came here to find his playbook. After being here and writing and reading things on this forum, do you want to reconcile with H now? Have you change your mind about what you want to do about your M/R? Please take no offence to my questions.

Have the things you have read here made you think differently about your stich? If so what?

It appears to me that many of the people here have experienced a lot of the same feelings, emotions, and mindsets. In addition, it sounds to me a number of WAS’s have changed there minds about walking away. Some even regret their decision and want “Do Overs “. Sometimes it looks to me that tier pride get in the way.

I do agree with you about that DBing is like mind game. Dr. Phil has a book out called how a woman can catch a man (or something like that) I haven’t read it, but it was explained to me like this. It is like a game. You can’t win unless you play. Do you want to be right or do want to win ion a R. I may have this a little backwards, but life is a game, that all of us play everyday. We learn from wining, but we learn more from losing sometimes. I think we should learn what every way we receive the information. If we don’t change we stand still and everything move on and we are left behind standing alone.

[Very Scared 54]

((Any One))

This may be a demon running around in my head, but I feel that I should verbalize it to let it out and see what you guys might have to say about.

I don’t think my W is having an EA or PA with OM, but it could be with OW. How will that play out? Will it make a difference? An A is A.

Any thoughts?

[Bridgestone]

(( Bridgestone))


Truly WITH ALL DUE RESPECT to you and your stich, you said you came here to find his playbook. After being here and writing and reading things on this forum, do you want to reconcile with H now?

No.. not as he is. But that is different then where I was when I came here. When I first came here, I didn't want him no matter what.

Have you change your mind about what you want to do about your M/R?

To some extent. I was so numb & exhausted when I left that I was just trying not to drown. I wanted my interactions with my H to go away so I could surface & take a breath. During that time I think I recognized (even if just subconsiously) that I was throwing stuff away, good stuff, along with the bad. Probably why I waited...It took 6 months for me to regain any bit of 'normalcy' of me again. It took another 4-5 for me to begin to heal enough to approach H about trying to communicate in more healthy ways, even if just for the sake of co-parenting.

What I want to do about my R, now?? Part of me doesn't want it to fail - I have real issues from childhood with 'failing' (although being separated 15 months.. I think is a pretty good indication it has).. on the other hand, I don't want it to swallow me as it did in the past.

I am still working on me, trying to work with H on communication issues becoming more self-aware and self-loving.. which I hope will translate into a successful R.. with someone, maybe H, maybe not.

Please take no offence to my questions.

thank you for asking so kindly

Have the things you have read here made you think differently about your stich? If so what?

that I am not alone in my fears, in thinking the way I do about me, my R or my H. That angry abusive men can change, but their wives can not 'make' them... they have to want it and work for it. That I am worth it.

In addition, it sounds to me a number of WAS’s have changed there minds about walking away. Some even regret their decision and want “Do Overs “.

I would say some want do-overs as long as there are changes on BOTH sides. I would say rarely does a WAS want to or go back to the "same old, same old".

Sometimes it looks to me that tier pride get in the way.

maybe pride, maybe fear of that the price of retribution exacted by the LBS for their actions of leaving is too high, maybe the LBS just isn't enough 'as is' for the WAW to go back to, maybe people change & grow too far apart during a long term relationship and being comfortably unhappy is no longer acceptable.

We learn from wining, but we learn more from losing sometimes.

The title of my 2nd thread... Losing is a curious form of winning.. a quote from one of my favorite authors Richard Bach.

Peace
Bridge

[Very Scared 54]

(( Bridgestone))

I truly hope you find your way to happiness. Whatever path, that may be. I hope you find and get where you want to be.

Thank you for your insight. I know which side of the fence you stand on this matter is painful.
VS54