Oh man, let me tell you.....Today, I get a text from step daughter informing me that....W is thinking about wanting to meet me. Whoooooa! Now this is like 24 hours after she beat the living hell out of me with a 2x4 via the emails that I mentioned. For the first time, I didn't bite back. In the past, I would come back at her with return fire of my own. This time, I finally played it smart. I owned up to her complaints, which are true....for the most part. I apologized for the legitimate complaints that she had and brushed aside the complaints that are not completely warranted. Bottom line, I didn't let her drag me into the ring. Guess this would be called a 180, eh? I was mad at some of the stuff, but I remember reading: "Don't freaking do it"....don't argue back. I did write a letter earlier today....Kind of from the heart, but I stayed away from the I love you's and such. I basically said despite all of the recent problems, I would do it again even if it meant having to walk through hell again. I meant it too. Guess it got through. We'll see.
Oh yeah. I have another thing in my favor. Stepdaughter and I have pretty much been pals since we met. Anyway, she said that she will talk to her mom and try to keep contributing to the cause. She never wanted to get involved too much because of fear of being reprimanded, plus she was mad at me for some stuff that I said to her mom a few months ago. Actually thats one of the things that I did offer a sincere apology for. And I meant it. And those two have radars like SAC...if I didn't mean it, those two would somehow KNOW. Don't ask me how.
Here's a scenario that I'd like to vet with WAW's...
Let's say hypothetically speaking *wink* that you made a decision to leave you H, without any explicit notice that you wanted out of the M, took the day off to pack your stuff and moved out, wrote a "Dear John" letter, and filed for D.
Question #1: What would you be thinking/feeling if your LBS, with the exception of 2 short, non-pursuing emails since the day you left, went "dark" for...oh, I dunno...say a month and a half?
Question #2: Keeping in mind that the LBS went dark (or at least very dim) immediately after you left him and did not plead, beg, argue, etc., what would you be feeling as a result of the lack of contact? Phrased another way, would you be expecting he LBS to plead/beg, and would it upset you that the LBS did not act the way you expected?
Question #3: How would you react if after 1.5 months of silence your LBS wrote you a letter/email to basically apologize for his contributions to the deterioration of the marriage but no mention of "trying to work things out" or any other variations of pleading or begging?
Question #4: Same scenario but disregard Q #3...if your LBS wrote you a letter after 1.5 months of mutual vows of silence, what would you like your LBS to have written?
Wow...these are pretty tough I might add...
Thanks in advance, guys!
- Me = 32 y/o - WAW = 32 y/o - M = 2.5 yrs, T = 12.5 yrs - No kids - Bomb, WAW moved out, D filed = 8/15/08
After inviting herself (in a round about way) my WAW came to a Fundraiser as my date. She had a very hard week and was very obviously tried. The mood was a little tenses, but we did have we had a good non-R conversation. There were other people at the table, which gave us others to visit with. W had two glasses of wine. After about an hour the mood relaxed and we began to enjoy each other’s company (at least I did and I think she did as well). At the end of the evening I walked her to her car. When we got to the car she turned to give me a huge and I planted a very passionate open mouth kiss and a nice too tight hug on her. That hug and kiss lasted at least 2 – 3 minutes. I can’t remember the last time we kissed and hug like that. It became very passionate and I could hear and feel her pleasure. I know she became aroused…. I know I was. I asked her to come home for the night and W turned down the offer. She said that we weren’t suppose make out. We both acted like teenagers for a couple of minutes. After a couple of peek kiss on the lips, she finally broke away and got in her car. I told her that I loved her, but she did not return the phrases. I know I am not suppose to say that, but I thought is was appropriate at the time.
I may have played my hand a little too strong. But I have been thinking about sometime like this for months. I would like to think she drove back to her place thinking about how turn on she was in that brief moment of time. I hoping it will be another little step forward.
The question is: Did I do any damage?
She could have stopped this encounter, but did not. Do you think she just wants to see if we can rekindle our relationship we once had? She keeps saying she just want to be friends, but she is not pushing or even talking the big D.
Do you think she is just trying to keep the relationship on that footing (friendship) by participating in encounters like this one?
I know you should not believe anything they say and half of what they do, but I think she wanted just as much and enjoyed it just much as I did
Your insights on this situation would be appreciated.
These are just IMHO hypothetical answers to your questions!! Keep this in mind
Question #1: What would you be thinking/feeling if your LBS, with the exception of 2 short, non-pursuing emails since the day you left, went "dark" for...oh, I dunno...say a month and a half?
This is exactly what my H did...the less he persued, the more I wanted him...he in his own way DB'd...and it worked. However, when I tried to go back...he wanted nothing to do with me...too much anger and hostility for the way I left. he did not email me, just sent a few random text msgs.
Question #2: Keeping in mind that the LBS went dark (or at least very dim) immediately after you left him and did not plead, beg, argue, etc., what would you be feeling as a result of the lack of contact? Phrased another way, would you be expecting he LBS to plead/beg, and would it upset you that the LBS did not act the way you expected?
My H, did the whole begging thing for about 2 weeks, we tried MC, then he started talking to OW. He was still texting me as well. The less he persued the more it made me think, what the hell am I doing...again this is just me and my feelings. Each WAW does what they do for different reasons. For me, it was a matter of loosing both of my parents, my H and I had poor communication, and I had went back to school it was all way to much on me all at once. I was over stressed, now that my life is managed, I realize just how bad I f'd up, and want to get my life with my H back on track; however, he just filed for D...and I have no control over his actions.
Question #3: How would you react if after 1.5 months of silence your LBS wrote you a letter/email to basically apologize for his contributions to the deterioration of the marriage but no mention of "trying to work things out" or any other variations of pleading or begging?
Just my 2 cents...I would stay dark. Give her time to think about what she did. The longer I had time to figure things out without H, the more I realized how much I missed him.
Question #4: Same scenario but disregard Q #3...if your LBS wrote you a letter after 1.5 months of mutual vows of silence, what would you like your LBS to have written?
I was ready to come home after 1.5 months of silence...so a letter stating I could have come home would have been awesome! and something stating he was ready try MC again. again just my 2 cents.
You might try a DB coach...they are awesome!! Also, just my 2 cents, i would continue the dark approach, as I stated above, the longer my H did his own thing...the more I wanted him. He even went and bought a Harley, which was a huge 180; things like that drove me nuts...making me want to go home even more. Stop, think, then react. Even though it is harder than hell, believe me after 20 months, I know, react without emotion. The more emotion that goes into our thinking, the more we as natural humans over react...i hope that makes sense.
Keep your chin up....I still believe there is hope for my M...and my H filed this past week. Until D papers are signed...there is hope! take care of yourself...then DB. Work on some 180's, work on you...stay focused...you can do this and you are doing this
christa
Very scared...I will try to get your ?'s answered later today...I have company arriving any time!
H-32 Me-29 T-10years M-4yr (10/04) Me- WAW 1/07 I filed for D 2/07 D put on hold 5/07 H re-files for D 9/08 WOW! trying MC 10/08
"Work like you don't need the money, dance like nobody is watching, love like you've never been hurt!"
christarn Thanks for your detailed responses! It really helps shed some perspective on my sitch. I have a few follow up questions if you don't mind:
Originally Posted By: christarn
"My H, did the whole begging thing for about 2 weeks, we tried MC..."
What if your H didn't do the 2 weeks of pleading/begging and no MC...he just went completely dark save for the few random txt msgs you mentioned? I'm just curious if the pleading/begging should have preceded going dark in order for the LRT to be more successful. Would going dark immediately after the bomb signal to the WAS that the LBS agrees that divorce is the answer as if silence was the same as agreeing to S or D.
Oy...I'm probably overthinking this...
- Me = 32 y/o - WAW = 32 y/o - M = 2.5 yrs, T = 12.5 yrs - No kids - Bomb, WAW moved out, D filed = 8/15/08
Ok guys, another email...Maybe somebody can shed some light here? First W emails and says "no way" as far as meeting. Then.....I get another saying " I am considering meeting you but I just want you to know that I have no interest in wanting to get back together ever" WTH??? These emails came like an hour apart. I haven't answered them because I could use some input here before I respond. This some kind of testing or baiting to see if I come back with a negative response?
I AM HURTING REALLY, REALLY BAD!!!! I AM SO DEPRESS I DON’T WHAT TOO DO!!!! I AM SETTING HERE WITH TEARS IN MY EYES TRYING TO COMPOSE MYSELF, BUT IT IS SO HARD.
It has been not more than 4 months since the bomb was dropped. My WAW and I hard talking off and on. I have DBing hard. I even thought I was making some good progress. I back slide and 2 weekends age and had a long argumentative R talk, but thin had a date the next week and had a passionate make out kiss (as she calls it) Two days later we meet again and when we departed she told me no make-out kisses and we need to talk.
I met with my Therapist yesterday, and I briefed her on our argument. My therapist told me that I have living in a fantasy that we are not going to get back together. I have been doing everything to win her back and she is still in the same place (mentally) she was 4 months ago. She is not working her problems out; I am the only one doing the work.
This is not something I want to hear. She maybe right. I have tried going dark, but every time I do something comes up that we have to communicate.
Please someone tell me that this can still work out. Please someone reassure me that there is still time. Please someone tell me that it is not a lost cause.
