Another one bites the dust

[No Longer BH]

My H would high-five me if I told him I was dating.

lwb, this is exactly how my STBXH is acting as well. He wants me to think that he is happy that I moved on. Acting like it does not bother him that I have dates. Thing is, I know him pretty well and I also know what he said to me last week. He told me that he was still having problems picturing me with someone else but in time he would be just be fine with it. I think the truth of the sitch is that he wants to be fine with it because he kows that he has ended our R. In the begining he may even feel relieved that I now have someone. But I still think that it is going to eat at him. He has loved me for twenty year and only 5 months ago moved out. You can not turn off those feelings that easily, no matter how much you try and convince yourself. He keeps saying that we have a deep connection....that tells me he has not truly let go. Well, guess what, I have. When you are in a medical crisis time seems to speed up and things become a little more clear. He can act like it does not bother him, but I still believe it does.

[Reincarnated]

I wonder about my x - I think he would be thrilled if I found someone else, because then he wouldn't have to feel so guilty.

But the pride thing....not sure how that would play out for real, or under his cover. I have no idea what the man thinks about anymore. SO doesn't matter, either way.

Keep taking care of you....glad that the procedure went well, and hope you know that you are in my thoughts and prayers....

[Ready2Change]

Praying for good test results....

Stay strong sweetie!


*Hugs*

[LL44]

I just keep reminding myself that he did not care if my feelings were hurt when he sleeps with OW.

Or when he lied.

Or when he hid.

Or when he ignored my calls.

I could go on and on and on, huh?

So true, broken. You have come so far. I want to be you!!!

He told me that he was still having problems picturing me with someone else but in time he would be just be fine with it.

Must be textbook, I heard the same thing. Something along the lines of "It'll hurt, yeah. But that is just something I'll have to get used to". Oh poor baby. I don't buy that he'll ever be fine with it, completely.

Oh and I have heard, "You'll always have my heart, you'll have be the special one to me, that connection". Yep.

[No Longer BH]

<Sigh> I need some help. Maybe I just need professional help, I dont know. I was so strong, I saw my path, I knew what needed to happen to make it through the tunnel....and yet I waiver. I hate this. I really do. Trust me it is the fear of the last few days talking, but still I hate this.

Tonight was my fake with my friend from out of town. STBXH told me he would be at the house an hour earlier than normal. I said nothing to this. Just excepted it. He actually showed up at 5:35 instead of the 5pm he said would be here. There was some small talk and then he pulled me aside. Wanted to know why I thought it was ok to bring someone back to the house when I had said that I wanted it in the parenting plan that there would be no unrelated people after S goes to bed. I said it was only for a couple of drinks and that was it. He pressed the issue and started a fight with me. I walked away.

I cooled off and came back to apologise. Told him I did not mean to get angry, that there is alot of hurt there right now do to the circumstances. Said that I was feeling angry because I felt that when we took our vows it meant in sickness and in health and he left me. TOld him I felt that I could be left in a situation where I was going to die alone and that was so unfair. I hoped he never had to expierence the pain and agony that I was going through because NOBODY should ever have to face it alone.

He told me that I just did not understand the sitch and that he left before he knew about my cancer. I said, yes but you know now and still chose to let me do this alone. He said that I was chosing to be alone and that he wanted to be there for me, but just not in the way we had been in the past. He still wanted to be my friend but I was the one keeping him away. I said I would not take a demotion from him, that I was his best friend, his soul mate, his lover, why would I take less. He said that I was an all or nothing kind of person and I said yes. He said he was sorry, he just could not fill that role anymore. I said some other things about how he just gave up and it was not fair. That I would never have respect for his OW because of her lack of morals and he lost my respect as well by having an A. Blah, blah, blah...you know the drill.

Anyway, by the time I left I was crying my eyes out and feeling comletely abandond. He set me an email sying that he was really sorry that he did not mean to ruin my evening, that he really did want me to have fun he was just upset over the double standard that I had placed by asking him not to do what I was getting ready to do.

Half way through the evening I called him up and admitted that I was not really on a date, that it was in fact our friend from out of town taking me out. That I would never bring someone over to the house because it would be horrible if our S saw this person. The only way S would ever meet someone is if they were someone that I felt I was going to marry. He did not understand why I lied but said he just wanted to be on the same page as me as far as dating edicate. He said he wanted to believe it was really our friend but really did not trust that either. He then started to drill me about why I had so many wine glasses used and who was drinking the beer at the house. I told him the truth, some neighbors came over for wine and our friend had some of the beers.

When we got back he was waiting to see if it really was who I said it was. It was ackward because my friend did not want to talk to him. He shook STBXH hand then went to the guess bedroom right away. I told STBXH that friend did not want to be around him anymore and then left the room. STBX packed his stuff, showed me something about S school then left.

I hurt inside so bad because I so want to read something into his actions. I WANT to believe he picked a fight because he really does not want to let go. I WANT to believe that he keeps saying that he wants to be my close friend because he cant stand the thought of losing me. I WANT to believe that he way drilling me about the wine glasses because he needs to hear that it was not someone else here. The reality is it does not matter. He keeps telling me over and over that any feelings for me are dead. I am so scared right now. I am so alone right now. I just dont want that to be true but I need to find a way to just accept that. I was doing great until yesterday. I had let go...mostly. Now I am falling and wanting him to catch me. This is so unfair! But that is just the way life is and I have to find a way to deal with it.

Here is my delima and I know it is coming from a very weak place right now. Do I take him up on his offer to become his friend in hopes of winning his love back or to I just cut him off completely so that I can move on with my life and hopefully heal from the pain I am in? I am sorry that I am not being very strong right now, things have just been extremely tough lately. I think most of it is coming from fear of what next weeks results will be, but still I just wish I had someone to help hold me up at times.

SOmeone, please, please give me some help and advice. I feel like I drowning at the moment.

[Ready2Change]

Hi my friend,

I do not know what to say. I wish I could help you. All I know is that H is confused right now. I know that you are scared. Please stay strong.

Can you show Empathy for H? Do not fight with him anymore. Validate him. Be his best friend. You need to STRETCH and give him what HE needs the most right now. Do not expect him to give you what you need. No intentions and no expectations. TRUE GIVING is real love. TRUE GIVING does not expect anything in return.

*hugs and prayers*

[Ready2Change]

Ready, could you offer a friend in need some advice and come over to my thread for a moment?

Hi sweetie,

God is out there. He woke me up and had me come on line. My heart goes out to you during this difficult time.

I wish I could offer more, but please take care of you and don't spend energy on the R right now. You have more important things to focus on right now.

*HUGS*

[Ready2Change]

Please get some sleep tonight. Sleep is so important during stressful times.

*HUGS*

[slowly]

Hi BH

This is not at all an easy ride. Some days we feel like things are going well, and some days, the very same circumstances can make us feel like it is all unravelling. I've not been back to all your threads, but will nevertheless offer the following.

<Sigh> I was so strong, I saw my path, I knew what needed to happen to make it through the tunnel....and yet I waiver. I hate this. I really do. Trust me it is the fear of the last few days talking, but still I hate this.

Often, we are hardest on ourselves, and we need to find space to be kind to us. I remember the 'roller-coaster' ride, and looking back, a lot of it was my perception. H's path was a classic one - and like most people here say, 18-30 months is how long it takes for the 'wake-up'. But what happens after really is down to how both parties interacted during the hard times.

Could you cut yourself some slack, accept that you will have days when you should be awarded points for just drawing breadth? Be confident that the universe loves you, all of us here are rooting for you, and that STBXH has a big dark shroud that is making it difficult for him to think?

Slowly

[sgctxok]

Hi sweetie,

I read your last posts, and will check out more later on, but I wanted to respond to you as soon as possible.

When I had cancer my doctor did not tell me to eat well and exercise...he told me to reduce my stress, enjoy my life, connect with others.

Nurture your friendship with your STBX. Do your best to DB in that situation, but it's better not to be so alone and isolated. We were broken up when I found out and we survived it....even thrived after....our relationship is great now....and I took your same stand. But...I didn't have OW in the way. That makes things take longer. You don't need the stress.

I'm glad you have some outside friendships. But don't play your hand when you're DBing EVEN IF he puts the pressure on.

I'm adding you to my prayer today. Have a very beautiful day.

Trust yourself. BE KIND to yourself.