Jen, Thought you scared me off, hah! I'll offer a suggestion for you. You seem to have a lot of expectations, get dissapointed, take it personal (think its your fault) and then your emotions kick in. Plan your actions out ahead of time. Think thru what you are going to do. When I coach we go over situations a lot. When this is happening here's how we are going to play. That way my team is not reacting (emotion) but thinking. We already know what we are going to do. We practiced it , talked about it , drew a picture just so the we don't have any anxiety about the situation. Back to basics, you don't control him. Quit making his actions about something you did wrong. Just own your actions, thoughts and feelings. I have to make a longer post than normal on your thread because by the time I get back in the morning you will have had this thread closed with 200+ posts and have started a new one. Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Coach, we all thought you ran as far as you could from us lol!
The strategies that you use for sports can easily be applied here. If someone can decide how they will react to different situations they are more likely to be successful.
I know that his negative thoughts are not a reflection of me but are his interruptations of events in the past. I cannot control how he sees things nor can I make him see anything differently than he does. I can only hope that he'll remember more positive things when he's ready. But that's the way the WAS is isn't it? They see everything in the R as negative alomost as a way of justifying leaving.
Jen *The more anger towards the past you carry in your heart, the less capable you are of loving in the present*
On the pulling back thing - I too have been reading - In my case Men are from Mars etc and associated books and it strikes me from this particular angle that your H is merely retreating into his "cave" for some r & r time.
If he, like me, finds it difficult to have his life "organised" for him, IMO this is quite understandable.
Perhaps he needs time to feel in control again and then he'll be open to ideas.
I think -don't look on it as a backslide, but as an additional bit of information to take into consideration next time round.
May be way off target here - and if so "sincere apologies".
Best - GFI
Me: 40ish W: 40ish Together: 20 ish years Married: 10ish Years
So we didn't go to the game today...it was just too wet! The rain began at 10am and went until 2pm. The game began at 4pm.
XH came buy around 1pm and watched Tom & Jerry with us, fell asleep on the bed, and then played Legos with D while I cooked dinner. He left about 4pm to go and bring his parents somewhere and said he wouldn't be back anymore today.
He'll pick up D tomorrow at around 8am and he said he had one little thing to do around midday but he would take care of her for the day.
Jen *The more anger towards the past you carry in your heart, the less capable you are of loving in the present*
Fill me in on you. What do you do to take care of yourself?
Last edited by Coach; 08/24/0811:14 PM.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I don't think you're off target at all. My XH Hates it when I try and control his life. Maybe he does need to regain control over his life a bit more. Could be.
I agree that he's gone into his cave and I really should let him do it more completely. He's never gone completely into the cave and maybe it might be good for him if he did.
Jen *The more anger towards the past you carry in your heart, the less capable you are of loving in the present*
I see an IC every 2 weeks, I try and have a PMA, I enjoy reading, I try and spend as much time with my D as I can, I Hash every 2 weeks, I get a manicure once a week, I try and sleep well. I need to do more for me though.
Jen *The more anger towards the past you carry in your heart, the less capable you are of loving in the present*
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Ok, if XH has gone into his cave, what I'm saying is:- see this as "normal" behaviour rather than aberrant behaviour - cos as Coach (above) observes - you seem to have a tendency to beat yourself up about it....
Seeing it as normal might help you organise a response next time or to frame your next approach to him in such a way as to make him believe he's back in control???
I, for one, would fall for that hook, line and sinker!
Best - GFI
Me: 40ish W: 40ish Together: 20 ish years Married: 10ish Years
