Well BM, you can find that again. Ex-bf's ex-w (whew!), by his account and his family's, was really not affectionate or loveable; she was used to being catered to, very materialistic (EVERYTHING was about money...yawn) and never was a giver; he told me that I was everything she wasn't, and didn't know that a R could ever be the way we had it. Point being, yes, you can find that again...we all can. Ex-bf found it, and he knows it. In fact we both found it with each other, just too bad it didn't work out. But at least I know that people are out there...and it doesn't have to be him, or your ex-W, or present LF...those feelings can and will come back with the right person. I just know it. Maybe when we aren't looking and least expect it...
Quote: Maybe when we aren't looking and least expect it...
Hmmm....that's how I found current LF.
So much for that theory, eh ?
I probably let "the one" slip through my fingers last year. The more I think about her, the more I miss "us"....but truthfully, we weren't really together long enough to tell, at this point. 'Wonderful lady, too. I wish her much happiness.
I guess I have been somewhat sheltered the past 20 years.....because I just dont remember women, in general, being so cold... like I'm seeing now. Disposable relationships..so to speak. " If this doesnt work, I'll just move on to the next guy" attitude.
Yes BM, sometimes I do think this must be just a bad dream. It's like, I would of bet you a million dollars this wouldn't of happened to me, to us. I thought we would be together forever.
How does someone who you gave your whole heart and soul to throw that away. Do these WAS think that's so easy to come by. Sometimes I just feel dead inside. That worries me. I don't want to never feel that love again. But I really don't know if it's possible.......I mean if what I did have wasn't real or enough, what is.
Do you know what I mean? What is love, if it isn't what I already had and that wasn't enough for someone.
I know it's all about him, and in your case all about her, but it sure effects us in so many ways.
Trust, love, questions........looking at someone know and thinking hmmmm I wonder if what he's telling me is the truth. And if it is how long will it last.
lettie, your right, we all need to heal, heal as much as we can so we can have another healthy relationship, but how long does that take. I think for me a very long time.
I'm seeing a wonderful guy right now, I'm taking it slow, is that right or wrong. I just don't know, because right now it's very hard for me to feel.
BM; I admit I am seeing an old bf who is not "the one". He knows it, I know it, doesn't mean I don't love him as a person and lover, but hey, we are honest with each other and still see each other when time permits (it is somewhat LD, about 100 miles). If and when someone special comes along, he will be the first to know, and he knows it. I fought really understanding and accepting him the way he is; almost everything else comes before me, his business, etc., and I am at the point that is ok because when the times comes for me to be first, we have a great time together. But I will move on when the time comes.
Friend; no, I don't think it is wrong to see someone, just as long as you are completely honest about your feelings. Ex-bf was not honest with me. Have you sought out counseling for yourself? I'm not saying that is the answer either because it didn't help me that much, but when I feel really bad about my situation with ex-bf, I make myself stop and consider the source; nobody needs to be involved in his and his ex-w's drama, and it has been Jerry Springer material for years. His sister told me to stay away from both of them; they tend to drag their kids, family, friends into the ordeal. So everyone has let them be, which is the way it ought to be. How long have you been divorced? I really think that we all heal with time, how long is anyone's guess. But we have to make a concerted effort to heal, to begin to put negative feelings aside, to be with friends, family, and to just plain live again.
Quote: Do you know what I mean? What is love, if it isn't what I already had and that wasn't enough for someone.
Of course I know what you mean. It was enough in both our cases for nearly 20 years...FRIEND,..so dont think that the love you gave in your M was unappreciated all those years.
It's as if we HAD it.........and then lost it.......and now begin to wonder if we actually HAD it at all. I'm hoping that this uncertainty will fade.
To answer your earlier question : "How do they throw it away..etc?" I think this is where most of our pain comes from. That sudden reality that we were expendable, when for years, we were certain that we were worth more than gold to them.
I know this.......when I see potential for that kind of love again......I'll recognize it. It may be buried underneath my current LF's past hurts and pains.....and this is why I continue to nurture this R. I know that she was hurt badly last March..so I thought that maybe we could relate to one another and learn things, together.
A Big word....eh ? "TOGETHER" A really significant word to me, nowdays. It means to me " You and I against the world, baby...no matter what."
I know she has the potential......but will she allow it to come to the surface and embrace it ?
Quote: Trust, love, questions........looking at someone know and thinking hmmmm I wonder if what he's telling me is the truth. And if it is how long will it last.
That's a tough one. My biggest problem, so far. Trusting a "non-DBer". I'm serious. I havent yet come across anyone that hasnt read DR...that I can truthfully say that really trust. Some of that paranoia was already embedded into my nature because of certain events from my past....but I had pretty much let all of that go.....well, that is, until I became an LBS.
Yes, it has affected us in many ways. More than most of us would like to admit, I'm sure.
We DO need to heal...that's for sure. Otherwise we'll never know if we are sabotaging the next R or not. I suppose that's part of my current problem with the LF. Am I healing ? For that matter......is SHE....without the benefit of DR and all of you wonderful people ? ( listen to me, will ya'?......this hard charging, "tough guy" business man with a touchy-feely side ??? Eeeeeewwww !)
Actually, it feels pretty darn good to have someone to talk to that can relate to this pain....even after this many months have gone by.
I'll tell you something, FRIEND...and please dont take offense...because it's not meant to be negative, ok ?
I was curious about the FLA trip...and naturally went to the 2002 site and viewed all of the pics. I saw you smile.....yes.....but I also detected a certain sadness in your face. I guess it's to be expected. But it almost brought tears to my eyes. You hid it well...I'll grant you that, dear. But I saw it.........heck...I almost FELT it. So YES.....I KNOW exactly how it feels. I DO understand.
I dont know much about the future...but I DO know this. I dont like this feeling one bit....and I WILL find a way to change it, somehow.
Some days are better than others. SO I pray for all of you to have good days....everyday.....and not just sometimes ! BM
Wow BM............you do know my pain. At the Florida party, I was hurting so badly, I would of done anything to stop the pain I was in. It was almost like living in another world, that this isn't really happening.
I feel just like you in the sense of wanting my old life back, not my Ex,but that wonderful peaceful feeling. That feeling of being thankful I was alive. That's how I use to be, this has all changed me. I'm hoping with time I will get back to that girl.
I guess like my counselor once told me, I was lucky I was able to have that feeling for so long. Most people don't. It sounds like you were lucky to have had that feeling too.
Oh I can't believe you looked at those pictures....I hate myself in pictures. lol That was a really nice time, I will always cherish the memory.
Time, time, time............I always tell people to give themselves the time to heal. Maybe I should listen to my own advice.
BM, I'm sorry you have had to go through this pain also. It sounds like you have a good outlook about it, I hope I can have the same and really feel peace and happiness like I had before.
lettie, the guy I've been seeing knows exactly what I've gone through and he's very understanding........what confuses me are my feelings. I hope one day I will be able to have feelings that I will truly understand.
It seemed so simple when I was twenty, I met this wonderful guy, feel in love, no questions. Knew exactly how I felt, NOW no way, I have no idea. The only sure answer I ever give anybody when they ask me about my feelings is I DON"T KNOW!
I keep reading this thread, but just don't post. My thoughts about this topic are all over the place.
I don't know if we're ever really "healed." Morphed is more like it I think. Sometimes I think it changes our basic nature what we go through in a lot of these instances. I know it did mine... I used to be very trusting of anyone I met. My approach was the other person deserved my trust as a human being... he HAD to do something to deserve losing it. Well... now that my ex did that, it did change me. I'm not quite so trusting and that kills me because it does influence my behavior.
Is the sign of "healing" the fact we're ready to start new Rs? Don't know. All I know is that we aren't meant to live as hermits alone. So unnatural... never understood that monastic lifestyle.
Quote: Otherwise we'll never know if we are sabotaging the next R or not.
And maybe part of this process is acquainting ourselves with ourselves just a bit more intimately. Discerning what we need physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. Strengthening ourselves in order to support the dynamic of a healthy R? I don't know if there's a time or an "ah ha" there that tells us when we are ready for a new R, and who is the "most appropriate" person for that R. Still will always be a trial and error process until we get it right?
BM... don't eewwww over that touchy-feely side.
About that issue about trusting a non-DBer... I've debated back and forth to cue the GF into this site and DR. For some reason, so few folks seem to understand that it isn't 100% fate or OP that kill an R. Has anyone debated THAT one in a new R?
Friend, I understand how you feel, questioning what love really is. I feel numb, dazed, by what happened. I don't think I CAN love at this time, not even my H. What I DO feel is sad and disillusioned. I want to hope, I want to feel love again, I want to have faith in another person again. I just don't know if that will ever happen, and that makes me feel hopeless. Like you said, maybe I need more time. Think that will do it?
Do I think time will do it? I know time helps, but will we ever heal, I can imagine not feeling the pain as much, but I can't imagine forgetting it.
I've been trying to remind myself that these WAS are sick people, atleast I know mine is. So I try not to be so hard on myself. Knowing I gave so much and it not being enough is hard...........but like BM said, it did mean something at the time.
It is a numb feeling, that's what I'm hoping goes away. We have both been through alot, we need to remind ourselves how far we've come. CC, have faith in faith. Keep reminding yourself, life is to short to not enjoy it. And when we are least expecting it something wonderful will happen.
I have often told Clark that if it had not been him, I do not believe that I could have EVER trusted again. I do think that there is something to the fact that he was a dber as well. I think all of us here share something special that is not easily found. Regardless of our personal beliefs, I believe we all here share a sensitivity, an emapthy and sense of commitment that is not found easily in this "ME" "feel good" centered society that we live in.
BM I know exactly what you mean with the special tenderness and nurturing love that you said you had before with your ex-wife. To me it's also a relationship where there is a higher level of trust, respect and consideration for each other that gives you a strong sense of safety and security. There is a strong feeling of "us".
My ex and I had a very passionate relationship in the way we did everything. We were a great team togther and could get done anything we set our minds to. If it was us against any outside force, watch out. The downfall was the internal strife. Our fights and making up were also doozies. We lacked that trust safety security. I will admit I always had in the back of my mind that I would be dumped, (the guy was a serial adulterer) that he would hurt me badly, and I could never totally trust him or let my guard down. He sensed that and didn't like it. As it turned out, I was right.
I don't know how to explain it, but even before we actually met, there was something about Clark that just radiated with trustworthiness, and kindness that I just knew it would be ok and it was. We made a connection that just kept growing.
I have never met anyone as considerate as this man, and the way he cares and watches out for me is something incredible. He literally spoils me rotten, but then I do the same for him. You guys have no idea the MAJOR trust issues I had, and the stupid upon stupid things I did, (which I am even too embarassed to post) but through it all he was patient and loving. He could see it for what it was and never took it personally. He's called it for what it is, and has helped me to see that I'm having him pay for the ex's transgressions. When I see it, I stop it. He has his own issues too, and I hung in there too. The thing about us is that we are very open and honest about EVERYTHING, we discuss everything, do not hold back anything, even the very uncomfortable mixed feelings we had about the exs.
With my divorce, I faced my worst fear, conquered it and survived. I was bent that never again I would be afraid. So in this relationship I figure I'd always have it all on the table. This is me, take it our leave it, this is how I feel. He did the same. This was not fun. Especially in the beginning when both of us still were in denial about still loving the exs more than we cared to admit. However, we were honest about any mixed feelings. It was a safe place to mourn the loss we both had. Neither one was really threatened, because we felt the same and understood. There wasn't the jealousy etc. I always felt that if it were to end, I wanted to get it over with sooner rather than later. So we piled it on. What I think happened was that it helped both of us to build trust in each other.
Trust is something that you get when you give it. It grows and builds.
I know that we hear all the time you have to heal first before you get involved. Sure makes sense, but when does this happen? When are you totally healed? I think sometimes it means that you have healed "enough" to be ready for a relationship, but do you ever really totally heal? In a very real sense, Clark and I have helped each other heal. Is that good or bad, I don't know.
