Yesterday, I discovered I really was not. It's been 5 yrs since ow entered our lives, 4 since the Bomb, 3 since the divorce has been final and 2 since I've been in a committed relationship with a man I want to spend the rest of life with.
This is what happened. At dinner Monday night my daughter casually mentions that her dad and Slutila are going to Boston this weekend and staying with our friends Chuck and Joanne, that her dad has been going to counseling, has "changed" is not as angry anymore and that things between him and Slutila going really well now.
Man did that hurt! It REALLY REALLY bothered me! I didn't say a word to my d. and just listened. It bothered me last night and Clark and I talked about it, I cried last night before going to sleep, and it has bothered me all day today.
It bothered me and hurt on many levels. While he was in med school and I and grad school and had like no money, it was "our thing" to go to the Esplanade July 4th picnic all day and stay to hear the Boston Pops free concert and watch the fireworks. Our son was 3 yrs old the first time we went and we did so for the next 4 yrs we lived in Boston. One of the cutest memories of my son was being in Disney when he was about 4 and him excitely yelling "look, look the Boston Pops!" His father and I were looking around for an ochestra while our son looking at the fireworks in the sky. We then explained to him that those were "fireworks". Is nothing sacred? Why must he take the the ow there? This was something that belonged to our family!!! Why is he going to Chuck and Joanne's house with her? Joanne and I were pregnant together the last year our husbands were in medical school. Her son was born the first week of June and my d on the third week. With both of us very pregnant, we kept each other company, (in the pre cell phone days)"just in case" while the two of them went to the Garden to watch the celtics and the lakers in th 84 finals. So many special memories with the two couples, and now the slut gets to be a part of that? Both of us loved our time in Boston and often talked of maybe go back there to live one day. They will be going I bet to all the same places if I know him, to Steve's ice-cream in Sommerville, to Filenes basement, the list goes on.
Then there's the whole thing with him finally recognizing he has a problem and going to counseling, on his own, so he doesn't lose the ow. Great. He's doing what he never did for our marriage for a filthy slut who has broken up two families. This really bothers me. It has made me feel once again worthless. I had not felt like that in four years. What the hell was wrong with me that he could not do this for us, for our marriage and family, but can do it for her? I gave that man everything I had and then more. It was never enough.
Here comes the confusing part... Why do I feel this way? Why do I even care? I really don't want him back. Why then do I feel as I do?
Our d. had a b party last Sat night. Friday night he takes her out to dinner, asks her if I'm doing anything for her b'day, knowing full well that I am, because he knows me well enough to know that I ALWAYS do something for my kids birthday. When she tells him that I am having a pool party for her Sat. night, he invites himself and then asks Slutila to come too. Slutila declines saying she has to work. (She wanted to come about as much as I would have wanted her here and he is so dense he still doesn't get it) Anyway, he shows up. This was a night pool party for 19 yr olds, that even my 25 yr old son and his wife were out of place. So he hangs out with my mom, Clark and me, eats dinner and asks my mom to make him expresso, which she does like old times. It was not a bad evening at all, in that we were all civil. My son, might have been uncomfortable, because he basically spent most of the night playing video games with some of my d. friends, but then again he is a videogame nut so that could have been the reason, more than having his dad and I in the same room. Who knows. My son is the one that doesn't talk much about the divorce or his feelings about it.
That night at my dining room table, I had the opportunity to look at both him and Clark as they were talking. Believe it or not, it was not all weird. I looked at them together and thought to myself, how never in a million years would I have believed such a thing could happen five yrs ago. I had no feeling for my ex and had all the warm fuzzy ones for Clark. I guess this is why for me, it is so confusing why I would even care about what my d. said Monday night.
I don't think it would bother me as much if he did these things with someone else. What bothers me is that he does it with HER, the woman that was my friend and betrayed me, and the woman that contributed to the break up of my family. All day today this is what has bothered me. I thought I was over this crap. But I'm not. I was telling Clark, that if he ends up marrying her, I don't know if I can give up my alimony. I can't have her benefit in any way shape or form from all of my years of sacrifice or hard work. If he doesn't send me the alimony, he'll spend it on toys for himself and on her. I want to be able to help my kids and grandkids down the road, and lets face it as a social worker with the school system I can't. Many years ago I made life-altering decisions based on a life contract. I did not pursue my career of choice which would have been lucrative, for us, because in my mind it didn't matter who did what, we were a team forever. So I gave up my dreams to support him through medical school, residency and as an army wife. I moved all over the country over and over so that even in my career of second choice, I was never ever anywhere long enough to qualify for retirement. It didn't matter, because I was married to a doctor, I had the supporting role, marriage was forever and my kids and I would always be ok. RIGHT. I bought into a lie. Marriage is not forever. In this country, it's for only as long as it feels good.
So yes, it still hurts, I still very much have baggage I have not let go of. I am also one very very lucky woman, because despite all this, I still have a wonderful man in my life who loves me unconditionally. This man wants to marry me, I won't do it, and yet he still wants me. I won't do it because of the alimony and because of my religion. I'm catholic, and it will be meaningless unless there's annulment first. I could probably technically get one, if I tried, since a priest already told me I had a good case. The problem is that after my ex told me that when he got married he knew what he was doing and it meant forever, I don't think it would the right thing to pursue. So I guess I'm trapped by the past. Once again, my ex gets to do whatever the hell he wants. He doesn't have to worry about losing alimony, doesn't like it that the Church would hold him accountable, so he becomes Episcopalian. Once again, the rules don't apply to him.
I don't know where I'm going with this or if there are any solutions here. If anyone can shed some light, I'd appreciate it. Thanks.
Mary,that's a long post.Get it out of your system. look at it this way.He thought so much of going there with you.That he feels he can get the same results(a womans love)by repeating what has worked in the past. 5 years and still part of you hurts.Are we ever healed completely?I dont know.theres always a small part that hurts.I've often wondered if I will ever be able to love as deeply as I did for my x. But I will say,that you should wish him well.And mean it.Very hard to do.maybe with time. we've come a long way from 5 yrs ago.But there is still a part of me that hopes she falls on her face.And yet she's still in my heart.Though it's a very very small part.You need a micro scope to see it.I think that true love never dies.
Thrive/dont just survive
Think good thoughts
Hug your kids
peace
Mary: I read your post with tears because I know exactly how you are feeling and it is the pitts! You and I are about on the same time line as far as when our world started falling apart. Just recently I thought I was there as far as being healed. I, too, can look at my X and unfortunately the warm fuzzy feelings aren't there. Yes, I still care about him, enjoy being able to talk to him and enjoy that he comes to visit the kids etc. But you know what - I don't think the deep buried love will ever go away and there are still going to be situations or things that come up that can still rip at our hearts as they did 5 years ago.
Mine was here 2 weeks ago and we were discussing going to an away football game - I was struggling which one to go to and turns out he will be going to both with her and one game will be staying with a guy that stood up in our wedding. My heart stopped. I'm thinking how can this guy let them stay at his house. That should be me yet I don't love this guy and live with him so this shouldn't bother me right? WRONG! The only reason they two of them had contact is because I let on to our friend in a Christmas card his new whereabouts. I guess regardless the pangs of jealousy and all that we truly lost will haunt us forever in little things along the way.
The feeling that I experienced the other week scares me because how fair is this to a new person in my life? I don't know that I could discuss this with that person and expect him to understand? Perhaps I will cross the bridge when I come to it - no sense putting the cart before the horse. I will say though Mary - you have one outstanding man in Clark that he loves you that much that you can unload on him like this and feel comfortable talking to him about situations as this. I hope I have that ability someday to feel comfortable to share feelings about my past with someone else in my life.
Mary - just wanted to let you know you aren't alone. Perhaps what hurts you more down deep is the fact that he is taking slutila to long time friends home - someone that you share so much history with. I hope yo don't hold it against them as it can be natural to do. My guess it will be very awkward for them - and your X won't get it at all!
Mary, I just had to tell you what jumped out at me from reading your post. Your ex is reliving your life together, trying to replace YOU and it shows that he misses that life he had with you. You can't just replace the people and make it work! What an idiot. Even the counseling, it's like he's doing what he knows he should have done with you. In a way, it tells me that it's YOU he's not over. These men are so crazy, they really think they can do it over the right way, just put a different face on it. As to the OW, I wouldn't want to be in HER shoes trying to live up to this "replay" scheme of his, trying to keep him happy being a version of you, would you? All the counseling in the world isn't going to do it, and IMO, he will revert right back to his old, dissatisfied, unhappy ways. Counseling to me is like a diet, it's great while you're sticking to it (and don't you think it's troublesome that he's in need of counseling with her so soon)! So don't be too ready to fall for the charade, it won't last. I'm betting on it.
Mary...I am behind you on the timeline, as I am not yet D, but can still very much identify with your feelings. You were married for a long time , have tons of memories together, and it's only natural that something like your ex taking slutilla to places YOU went with him and staying with old friends of YOURS would cause you to feel this way. I am sure it's a shock to you, because you "thought you were over it", but it must just bring back to the surface the hurt and the betrayal that you went through 5 years ago. All I can suggest is to feel it, work though it, and then move on....which is all any of us can do. You have a very healthy attitude about it. And, you have great man in Clark that you can discuss your feelings for ex with him and he is not at all threatened by it. Just remember, that you did not abandon your family, ex did. You were willing to go to C, he was not. You did all that you could do. You hold your head high knowing that....and keep on keeping on...your posts have been most helpful to me and you are very inspiring to me. I know I don't have any answers for you, but I am here to offer my support and encouragment. TC
Mary, Is this not unlike what my ExW feels when she thinks about my GF living in what was once "our" home? She doesnt want me...but it hurts her ( or pisses her off)...that I now have a GF living here.
She once sent me an email stating "my ghost is floating all through that house. We have made love in every room...and I hope you remember that. Your GF will never be comfortable there. My ghost will always be there."
Weird stuff, coming from someone that chose to leave. Heck.......all she had to do was come home.
Like GF says: "She doesnt want you, but doesnt want anyone else to have you, either."
ExW even made reference to my "taking those whores out in OUR boat" in another email. I guess it's natural, though....to a point.
I didnt really like the fact that she took her new man to our favorite mexican rest't hangout after the D...and joined "our" friends in an evening of drinks.....I mean after all.....the rest'rt owners are MY CLIENTS....geez ! That bothered me......but only because I didnt want to run into her there. ( which I did....with my current GF...long ago...but it IS my client's place of business)
So I just started going to another location of the rest'rt chain. At first I thought it meant she still cared about me. But now I think it's the "familiar"....that she cares about. Normal....I'd say.
BTW...it sounds like you have a pretty good guy there, Mary !
Mary, I don't have time to read the replies from the others. I'm on my way out. Just wanted to say I'm sorry you are feeling this pain again. I'll be back because I need help in this department also. I hope today is a better day and please, know that what you are feeling is normal. Cathy
Haven't heard any stories recently that would test my healing but in the early days my ex took his forst g/f to our honeymoon town, and a subsequent g/f the ow he is now living with, to our old home, to a hotel we had stayed at a couple of times on hol abroad to the only place we went to abroad together!! I decided he was very lacking in imagination and initiative!! They hurt at the time but I can laugh at it now.
I don't have a male friend in my life at the moment but it does beg the question when I do , should I avoid places that my ex and I went to together or not??
MaryC2, it's like when something happens or you hear something, it hits ya like a ton of bricks -- like all of it just happened yesterday, our wounds become fresh again. But with time, those wounds heal so much more quickly. What was days or even weeks become hours or maybe even a day or so...and we put it on the back burner yet again. For me, and I would say for others too, it is harder because we were left. I left someone I had seen for years because of repeated patterns of selfishness and unthoughfulness. But boy, did I love him, was in love with him...and while I thought about him often and felt pangs of hurt about our past, I never felt the way I do now about someone who left me. There is just something about it that lingers on...but remember, they are so much more confused than we are, and quite frankly, I'm not sure they ever achieve what they want because they don't know what they want. I wish I had a magic potion for everyone here to help us forget, but that isn't going to happen. This too shall pass, and you have someone in your life that will help you with that. And BM, your statement is right on with alot of WA's - they don't really want you, but don't want anyone else to have you. And if they get you back because of this, it would never, ever last...
Hey Mary!! Looks like the ghosts are haunting again for you. Funny how we think we are ok with things and beleive me, I know where your coming from. My ex went to vegas last week and got married. When she told me I said "ran away again, same thing we did" she said something about not wanting a major wedding but I changed the subject to my kids. Actually,, I am really happy about this. She now has her own problems and marriage to attend too and I'm betting she won't bother me as much about my affairs with Steph.
But, on the other hand, I can tell you. If it had been the infamous green guy (gg), that she married. I would be in a whole world of pissed off!! I feel for you there. Her new H never was a part of our marrige falling apart so no anger there. As a matter of fact her sister, who I got along with great and was recently D is making strides towards reconing with her ex. It has not been long. I said how wonderful that was but she ignored it. I wished her luck.
IMHO, you are giving yourself too little credit for what you did for that dope. He would be nothing without you and is. You spoon fed that jerk the whole way and I'm sure covered his ass constantly. Thats most likely what he is doing Co for. Too learn how to fend for himself for once. Oh, and slutila. She may be painted pretty, be treated like she is a well bred human being. But strip off the covering and all you have is a snake... Hugs Rondo
