Decided it was time to move to another forum. Hoping this is the correct one. I won't bore anyone with previous threads, here is a brief history. Married 22 yrs today as a matter of fact, me 46 W 43 S 17 S14 D12. W dropped bomb 18 months ago were still together, thought for sure it was over. I think I was in the midst of a mild MLC at the time I know my W is going through a major one, the BOMB jolted me from mine W is slowly surfacing from hers. Began DBing within weeks of BOMB kept me sane ,saved the family, and hopefully my M. Bomb was best thing that could have happened to me as I have grown tremendously personally. My W and I get along better now than we ever have, we do though have a long way to go. We have in fact no physical contact with each other and I must admit there are some trust issues on both sides, her thinking I will resort to my old controlling aggressive ways, and on my part wondering if she has done anything that she might regret, as she was I think capable of anything a year and a half ago. Anyways that the condenced version I might also add I did wish her "Happy A" today (didn't mention it at all last year)and she didn't run shrieking from the car so I'll take that as a baby step LOL!
Welcome to "piecing". Sounds like you are in the right forum to me.
If you've already read DR, then already know that it's going to take a lot of time and patience to regain your W's trust and the other way around as well.
Have you read "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman yet? It's must reading.
Hi J thanks for responding I've heard lot about the book but have never read it. I'm an acts of service person not sure what my W is (guess I should read the book!) C.
Spitfire, glad to hear you've grown a lot through Divorcebusting. I think the benefit of DB'ing is that two fold blessing you found: one, getting your marriage on a new level; and, two, personaling growing yourself.
Love is dynamic, not static, and it's easy to fall into a rut. Course, you know what a rut is: an open grave with both ends kicked out.
So keep speaking the language of love, keep the dynamics going, and keep growing yourself. I've heard it said, and the analogy is good, that marriage is like a garden. We have to water it, feed it, and pull weeds. You also have to take care of the other party, as well as yourself.
You sound like you've made some major turnarounds. Keep it up, and keep us posted how things are going.
Quoting SPITFIRE: I think I was in the midst of a mild MLC at the time I know my W is going through a major one, the BOMB jolted me from mine W is slowly surfacing from hers.
I had a similar experience and it was a real eye opener to me on just what much I was missing out on that was important to me without realizing it ... including my R's with the people close to me and how much more I can contribute to enriching those R's.
No matter what the future brings in regards to M, I will always be indebted to DBing in what it has made me discover what is important to me.
In order to avoid returning to your "old contolling aggressive ways" is to continue to let her set the pace on where the R goes from here. Take a step back and see if what she initiates. What ever lead you wish to take, keep it in a form of a suggestion or ask first if she would be OK with it. That way you move foward with the baby steps and not try to take bigger ones that may risk a greater backslide.
Thanks for visting D.R.and KAW could have used those words of wisdom a day earlier had a bit of a back slide yesterday. I pushed when I shouldn't have ,there are still alot of ugly old feelings there! I was a bit shocked after 18 months. On a postive note we seem to have moved past it very quickly. W ,I have realized is incapable of any type of contenious talks. For the first time I've realized how emotionally and physically upsetting these are for her and will have to let her iniate them in the future(she does like to hide behind her denial though and it could take years ,hope I'm around in the end). She really is a mess but I realize it's up to her to sort herself out. She also continues to tell me to find someone else or to have an A ,I think shes doing this out of guilt and I'm prepared to wait. Sex isn't everything (as I've learned in the last 18 months LOL!)but I sure don't want to give it up for the rest of my life! Yes KAW dbing has changed my life and given me back that ability to enjoy life again what ever the outcome I'm a far better person for it! C.
Hey, man, I know it's rough, but you're doing fine. Yes, it seems your spouse wants to lay on the guilt, and bring you down to their level. It's easier to push away if you're pushing away. You're right, don't buy into it. Every spouse wants to know their special, whether they realize it at the moment.
Keep your focus! Yes, you'll backslide. Thing is, do you know how to recover better than before? If so, do it! Do Right
Well we have found that emotional middle ground again and it's certainly peacefull. W really can not handle any "heavy" disscusions (she never could) I don't think she feels safe during them, my family always loved a good debate but there certainly not her cup of tea. I will not bring any R issues up again until she does. She appears to be quite happy to go on like this for some time. Her mom gave up men and sex in her fourties after two bad relationships wonder if this is any way a factor. W starts her holidays this weekend and will be at the cabin for two weeks then I'll be there for four. Though I really enjoy her company the space will be nice. Have been refocusing on myself and the kids and will let her find her own way. After seeing so many baby steps I realize I must have started pursuing again which caused her to flee. This is certainly a long and painfull process hope I have the patience to see it through. It's certainly tough on the old self esteem never realized before how special it is to love and be loved by someone. C.
