OMG this is SO AWESOME. I AM SO PROUD OF YOU. You did SUCH a good job!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Wow, you handled everything so, so, so, so well!!!! You did such a good job validating and listening with no pressure. HOOOORRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYY!!!
I am also really impressed with BF. It is really amazing how much he opened up to you about his own issues. Has he ever talked to you about this stuff before the bomb? Like about his Mom and thinking he was crazy and F!$%ed in the head?
This was my favorite part of the whole evening:
Quote:
BF: Dont blame yourself, its not you, its me, I'm a crazy person, seriously, I'm f*cked in the head. I've just shutdown. You know I love spending time with you...I just dont want any complications. I need to sort myself out, I just need some space and time.
So we've been speculating that maybe this *is* all about BF being on his own emotional journey of inner healing... and then he told you flat out that's what it's about !!!!!! OH MY GOODNESS!!!!
It's really interesting that you and Lisa both had such soul-baring evenings together with your WAs when the WAs were drunk. I think a lot of other DB'ers avoid getting drunk with their WAs but you two seem to have handled it unbelievably magnificently. Truth Serum, right? Is this some kind of British thing? Do you think it would work for me? (Just kidding... kinda)
What are you going to wear tonight????? What movie are you going to see?
I know you already know this but keep letting him set the pace and if things start to move really quickly it is TOTALLY OK to slow things down. Play it smooth, don't try to accelerate anything. Suave, suave! (Said with a spanish accent) Better a slow and steady return than a lot of waffling back and forth. Like, if you do get to have a snuggly sleepover again, probably don't have sex with him!!!!! Yet!!!!!!
That's just my 2 cents.
Ali, I am SO proud of you. Look at how far you've come!!!! You are a superstar!!!! ((((((((ALI))))))))
T... absolutely, my BF has been very careful to NOT get drunk in front of me for 6 months and I was hoping for that as I knew (being hte way he is, kind of closed off) that the only way I would get any truth out of him, was if he was drunk. "In wine theres truth" is that the saying?? So, yes, I was waiting for it! And I didnt drink on purpose (I dont much anyway) but I wanted to be sober to hear it! I know I said I was unprepared, but I was expecting him to break down and fess up and yes, amazing, he totally confirmed what everyone has been saying and me also... its not me, its him, he needs space (such a cliche yes but he actually said it!) and its all about his mother.
I knew he had a rubbish relationshio with her... would barely visit before meeting me, but I got them closer, but he would sit there and she'd go on and on inanely and he'd just say yes, no, uh huh, and take it, whilst seething inside that she was so selfish and self-involved and doesnt listen and is on transit and not receive and takes no interest in him as a person.. and baring in mind, this was how he was bought up and in a loveless M and she had an affair from when he was 8 and then his Dad was a broken man until the day he died.... but no, hes never spoken to me about it really, in 12 years of knowing him !!!! A bit, not much.
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
Kalni! Hi! Actually... it wasnt "like" that, but at one point, I couldnt sleep, I put my arm round him and accidentally brushed his thingy and actually thought "OH! hes got a *****!" like I'd forgotton, so I copped a feel, hehehehehe.. well, he was fast asleep, he didnt mind, it was funny, I had a good old rummage around to remind myself what it felt like :-) sneaky girl indeed
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
WOW!!! I am amazed with the change in YOU!!!. It sounds like you didn't push him AT ALL!!! Way to go ALI!!! That was a great test for you and you passed with flying colors (?)!!!
And WOW he sounds a mess!!! He is definitely giong through some kind of life crisis, I am not sure it's midlife though, it could be teen crisis (lol).
You have got to let him get his head straight Ali. You really need to be patient. This time he told you so clearly that he needs space and time. And you said you can feel he loves you. That alone should give you the strength to be patient.
Keep doing what you have been doing, being there for him, make him feel safe and that you are not waiting everytime you meet something from him. He will relax and look at things differently.
wow, so he hasn't really talked to you about his mom in 12 years of knowing him??!! That makes it even more of an awesome breakthrough, b/c he wasn't just opening up to you about the R, but also about what was on his heart in his own life. Wow!!!! Is he still not in counseling? I really wish he could work on this stuff with a counselor....
The way you described the conversation it was really easy to imagine in my mind, his facial expressions and yours and everything. It reminds me of something my counselor said to ME, when I didn't want to get into certain things in the C sessions. He said that we need to "go there" and get into those things, but I wouldn't have to go there alone, because he would be there with me, and that I would always come back from those feelings, because he would help me return also. It sounds like BF is carrying around so much weight and sadness and darkness, he is afraid if he lets himself feel it he will just crumble, but actually if he "goes there" and "gets into it" that is what will let the burden be lifted.... Obviously no one can push him to do this (except maybe a C). It seems like it was a really big step for him to even bring it up with you.
that's the feeling I get.
You didn't tell me what you're going to wear!!! ;-)
Right on! Funny, thats a Cornish saying. I cant imagine you saying that with an American accent.
You have got me worried, what am I going to wear indeed!? I have actually run out of outfits I've seen him so much lately...! I dont think it matters what I wear to be honest. His friend was really sweet.. he is the most blokey, womanising guy he knows, and he was the only one of his friends who confronted it with me. He said, I never asked him why you broke up, he was so cut up when he told me you'd split, I tried to talk to him, but he was too upset...so I thought it was you naybe.. I said, oh no, it wasnt me, it was him, 100%! His friend was shocked at that and said, I keep telling him to get back with you, he wont find anyone better than you, you're so funny.. he just says "Yes, I know". He said to me, I think he is having some kind of MLC (ha, yep, seems so!). He said he was going to talk to him today, when sober and ask him why he wont try again with me, that hes a fool.
But, I am not excited by any of this.. my BF has serious problems. When he said that to me (excuse the language, hes not normally that uncouth!) "I'm f*cked in the head", I just thought, yes you are, and I know, and I know more than anyone, and they have nooo idea. And I'm not sure actually if he will ever be ok, some things just run too deep.
Kalni, yes, a teenage rebellion/crisis! He has Uranus on his IC, thats the textbook definition! Its so classic.
T - we did talk, I knew she drove him mad and hurt his feelings by never bothering to listen or get to know him as an adult, but theres much more to it than that, considering the mess he is in. He said to me also, it took me a long time to realise how messed up I was and a long time to be honest with myself that I am messed up. I think it was his way of explaining why he left with the I'm not depressed, IDLYA.
Oh also, I said I would do anything to help, but I cant, can I? He said no, noone can. We talked a bit about the C, he said he had talked about his mother there, but hes only been twice. He needs some serious pyschotherapy though, not just C.
But DBing has been amazing to make me act in a way so as not to pressure him whilst looking after myself, it has got us to this point, but now, I dont know what more I can do. Wait, or decide to give up. I vote for waiting for now! And yes, wierd Lisa had a similiar evening. Bring on the booze for all those WAS! Jeff, can you get your W rat*rsed and ask her whats going on!? Kalni, can you lace your H's coffee with spirits and see if he wont open up!? Michelle.. worked for you on Champagne night!
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
I just wanted to say thankyou T and Kalni so much for giving me some validation on how I acted and saying that I did well. I needed that! Its hard to know sometimes. It was a lovely day/evening, but it was tough in places. We have to be so strong dont we to handle this!
Yes, he is very damaged. Question is, can he ever resolve it and do I want this for the rest of my life? It struck me last night in this group of younger people, just how compatible me and him are, we get on so great, he is my best friend and soulmate, we were totally on the same page throughout the evening, something would happen, or somone would say something and we just looked at each other and we KNEW, words werent necessary. It was just what we needed, I was waiting for an opportunity for us to be around others, and thats the first time in 6 months. And I did what I hoped I could (and is harder to do when its just me and him), I was funny and vivacious and made everyone bend over double laughing a few times in the evening, and this morning! And my BF laughed heartily too and how can you resist humour hey? Look at all those rubber faced unnattractive comedians and their beautiful wives.. (Peter Sellers and Britt Eckland, Rowan Atkinson and his wife, Woody Allen and Mia Farrow.. the list goes on).
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
