Minkerman: Neutral is the new Forward!

[cw68]

I don't enjoy it either. But anything that goofs up their "plan" is good.

[Purr]

Hey MM,

I was thinking about that part where she said she wasn't sure / couldn't imagine a future with you in it etc. How did you let that roll off your back? I find if my W. says something like that, it feels so final, so heavy. I can't seem to look at it other than some really devastating thing to hear. How have you managed this differently / any advice?

Thanks,

Purr

[lodo]

Hey MM,

My WAW said the exact same thing to me - she didn't see us in the future together. It has everything to do with her seeing me not as an "equal" anymore, as someone who doesn't challenge her, and that is who she wants to be with, and who I used to be. I challenged her at first, but I haven't grown in the same ways she has and now she's with OM who is busier, more involved, and doing something similar to her. She sees me as someone who is resigned to life and she wants to be with someone who pursues life.

I say all this (I haven't read through your sitch) in case any of it rings true. Just brings up the old DB point - work on yourself, make yourself happier, remember who you used to be and maybe she'll remember too. That said, maybe you aren't the type of person your W wants, and that's okay. You need to determine who you are and what you want out of life. The rest falls into place.

lodo

[minkerman]

Purr said:

How did you let that roll off your back? I find if my W. says something like that, it feels so final, so heavy. I can't seem to look at it other than some really devastating thing to hear. How have you managed this differently / any advice?

I don't know, Purr...I guess I just think really hard on the "believe none of what you hear and only half of what you see" doctrine. I have read through all of the success stories, and that seems to be a common theme...they say stuff like that to convince themselves that they are on the right path. Meanwhile, I listen for the clues that she is not done with me/us yet - and there are plenty, it's not just wishful thinking. I think that she has a slight glimmer of doubt, because, she is still in this, hanging by a thread.

Lodo said:

It has everything to do with her seeing me not as an "equal" anymore, as someone who doesn't challenge her, and that is who she wants to be with, and who I used to be.

That is exactly what my wife said, among other things. I told her I have a hard time challenging her on anything, when she lives 20 miles away, but move back home and you'll get all the challenge you can handle, baby.

I am settling in for the next hour with a nice 18 year old. Mmmmmm!

Single malt scotch, you guys, come on!!!

I just bought a book a friend recommended: "Getting Back Together: How To Reconcile With Your Partner And Make It Last" by Bettie Youngs, Ph.D.

I'll let you know if I learn anything....peace out.

[C_K]

mm

I am not a big scotch fan , much prefer a good bourbon , have plenty of debates when I insist the best whiskeys are made in the USA.

I will be interested about the book and if it has any good advice.

This from a thread from 07 ( Googled it )

When you get a chance pick up a book called "Getting Back Together" 2nd edition. By Bettie Youngs, Ph.D, Ed.D and Masa Goetz, Ph.D. It is about how to reconcile with your partner and make it last. I read it this weekend and I found it to fill in a lot of blanks for me now that I am separated. Covers some areas about separation and reconciling that Divorce Remedy does not address.

Dave

[minkerman]

I read half the book last night...it kept me up later than I would have liked, so I set my alarm for 6am instead of 5am. So what happens at 5:05am? W called! Well, I'm always happy to talk to her, so I didn't let on that I had been asleep.

She just wanted to bounce a couple things off me regarding her job, which is (just like our personal lives) a rollercoaster.

I told her she should be careful and not make too many waves, since it's a pretty high paying job, and she should have an exit strategy before doing anything dramatic.

She said "true, it's not like I can say MM I've lost my job, I need to come home".

I said "exactly...I just might question your motives for getting back together if that were the case".

We had a chuckle over that one.

Anyway, the book mentioned above. It's very good, so far. It really emphasizes GAL and having yourself on a solid base before even thinking of reconciling. The book says most couples reconcile too fast. That was certainly the case with us, back in October. Exactly what the book said would happen, did happen.

Anyway, I'll finish it tonight, it's an easy read. Go on Amazon and check it out, you can read the first chapter there.

[Broken Tree]

Purr, my wife said the same thing.I don't know what to tell you, I just try to ignore it. Be strong.

Mink, Reconsiling is a tricky game. I have seen it with others. Go slow man. you are doing all the work that needs to be done. My sitch is getting worse and worse.

Off to the L's tomorrow.

[minkerman]

Just checked the bank account online...once again, W has bought another month's worth of transit tickets.

It's only 57 bucks, and of course doesn't mean she knows she'll be out another month, but it bums me out nevertheless.

And of course, what's another month, in the grand scheme of 30 years? There is nothing I can do about it, it's not even something I'll talk about with her.

I'll just continue to "enjoy" the life of a married bachelor.

I'll shake it off - it's just my monthly reminder that I am separated.

Sigh.

[Purr]

Hey Mink,

Thanks for the feedback and the book sounds like it would be worth picking up. Amazon must do good business on this stuff...they should have some kind of LBS discount club card (unfortunately, I am indeed a club carrying member at this time--dangit!!).

The transit tickets thing is too bad. Isn't it weird how there are unique markers about things like that w/WAS? Extending a lease, monthy transit pass, booking time away by self, etc. So many indirect statements.

Wow, you guys really have a lot of shared history together. I'm trying to imagine that.

Keep going, Mink!

Purr

[cw68]

MM, the transit tickets are another one of those things that we who live by the microscope notice that may not actually mean much. Still stinks tho. I hate those reminders.