Leaving H alone sucks. I can do it, I just hate it....
You are right, Woog (and FG). I KNOW my H knows how much I love him. Some times that is almost part of the problem. He feels like SH!T because he has done these things to someone who DOES love him so much.
I would think his reasons to work on himself would include 1)himself 2)his kids 3)his wife 4)his family
I don't think it is my job to give him those reasons. Besides, even if he is messed up he is a very smart man. Very smart. So he already knows.
Nothing new to report. Just in a crabby mood today. I know this is up to H. I just don't understand the "fog" I guess. How can you look at your wife and kids who love you and want you, and NOT think that they are the "right" decision?
I've never met your husband, but my guess is that he doesn't like himself and therefore can't like/love anyone else. Being smart has nothing to do with it. He needs to find whatever it is inside of him hurts and work on it. The way you are describing him makes me think that there is a "black hole" inside of him for some reason and he keeps trying to find ways (other women, strippers, etc) to fill it.
If it makes a difference I used to have a bit of a similar issue (albeit smaller scale). I used to think that my wife was the only person that could make happy. I used her love to fill that hole in me. When she told me it was over that hole sure was empty. Since then I have figured out that I can make myself happy. It took at lot of soul searching, some good friends and some people to talk to (including you).
The truth is, my H DOESN'T like himself. And no matter how much faith I have in him, that won't give him faith in himself. He has said more than once that he does not like the person he has become. That he seems to be lost from himself and doesn't know how to find his way back. It is hard for me because I am a caretaker and a fixer and this is beyond the scope of my ability. Plus, I know, it is not my job.
He wasn't always this way, not to this extent. I know that it must have started years ago, he has said since he has been with me, which is when he was only 18 years old. I think he has tried to minimize the hole, avoid it, ignore it, but it grew bigger without him working on it the right way. He pushes things down, hides them from me and from others, and it just grows and grows. So then, ten years or so ago, he just started trying to fill it/block it out by making the bad choices (strippers, magazines, cheating, going out with the guys, etc).
I am not sure he sees it that way, but I do. I don't know if he can save himself. I hope he can. At least it seems like he wants to at this point.
I don't know if this qualifies as a "development", probably not...
I am not contacting H this week. I told him he could call the kids anytime he wanted.
Well, he called me on the cell phone an hour ago and left a msg. to call him. I called him back just a minute ago since my kids are having lunch. He said he was trying to get into our e-mail and couldn't remember how to access messages. I started to tell him and he said he had already figured it out himself.....then he asked me about S and his ears, and talked about him for about a minute. All told it was like a 90 second, maybe 2 minute convo. About email and S.
H is a capable guy, I really doubt he had to call me about e-mail. Besides, the question he had was how to get messages past the first 25. There is an arrow at the top of the screen to navigate to the old messages. This is the EXACT question I asked him 2 months ago, and HE showed ME how to switch screens? H never forgets anything.......
Woog I may be Ali-analyzing as Kalni says. But I am wondering if he is "feeling me out" like you thought he had before, looking for old BBJ. I assume it is a good thing that I did not mention anything about us, him, my feelings, etc. Just gave an update on Nathan's medical status (ear better but very tired and cranky) and got off the phone.
In my opinion that is exactly what he is doing. He is looking for his safety net (or blankie). He is going to keep doing that until he gets upset that you won't play the game by his rules. Or at least the rules he is used to playing.
Don't be surprised if he gets angry before he gets better.
Thanks for the feedback. I figured he was doing a "temperature check"--I heard somebody call it that once.
Do you think I am taking the right approach? There is a fine line between firm and rude. I figured if I did not return his call, that would be rude. Since I stuck to the subjects he raised, our Son and the e-mail, I think it was "okay" to talk to him. I will not bring up anything M-related, and I doubt he will either, even if he calls again today/this week.
I would not be surprised if he got mad. But he won't openly get mad that I won't "play" anymore. He will pick a subject (how I take care of the kids, the house, money, etc) to get upset about. Because if he makes it about my actions, he knows he will "lose".
Over the weekend he was getting mad b/c I told him that he wouldn't have to talk to me anymore, just the kids, we could start dividing our things, our money, etc. He got mad and said, "That isn't what I want!" I very calmly responded, "If you aren't able to discuss any other options, do you think I have an alternative?" And he said, "no, no" very sadly.
So whenever his temper gets out of control these days (less and less so far but I know that can change), I can usually point out to him in about ten seconds that he is really mad at HIMSELF.....
My son has parent meetings for kindergarten next week. Then in May they have 2 days for kids to go spend 1/2 day at the school, called "kindergarten roundup".
I saw the sign at my school today and got to thinking about S's school. They gave me the dates when I was there to interview, but no further info.
I called the school today to see if I picked which meeting and which day to go to the school, since I hadn't heard....
Well lo and behold they had called my MIL???? (I am the one who called the school in February and gave them my name and number in Kansas City, shows you what a small town it is)They called her a week or so ago and SHE told them to mail HER the information.
So apparently my MIL knows what day/time I am supposed to come, they said they mailed the information out last week. Meanwhile I am in the dark and am the one who will have to take time off to go up to Iowa for these events??
Sounds like you are staying strong in your commitment to yourself about conversing with your H... you should be really proud of yourself!!!!
Hugs, W2G
PS.. I used to REALLY let my MIL get to me.. and I had VERY good reasons for being po'd at her... but I try not to let her get to me anymore. It sounds like your MIL overstepped the line in my opinion... so I'm glad you vented here. Are you going to ask her to forward on the paperwork/information on to you?
H never forgets anything.......
