The smart lifeguard treads water just out of reach and waits for them to tire themselves out. Remember lifeguards always have a flotation device with them. They can out last the best of the flailers.
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
I wish he would just get tired already and let me carry him to shore. I wish he could lean on me even a little bit....when I made a suggestion about the shower yesterday, he said "I don't want you to "fix" it". So I guess listening, validating is all I can do if he decides to open up to me again. I know there are times I tell him about my day and he gets out the mental "tool box" to fix things. I don't want him to fix them, I want him to listen and "feel" me......So maybe that is all I am supposed to do?
Woog I don't remember if I already told you. I did tell him exactly what I told you in writing this morning. But I told him in a message, I knew if I called and talked to him he would interrupt before I got done, or be distracted by another call @ work. So I wrote it down for him, to digest as quickly or slowly as he wants. In the past he has carried my notes around with him so I know he pays attention to them. I plan to just sit back now and do nothing where he is concerned.
I take that back. I will pray for him every single day, pray he does what is right for him, and thus what is right for "us".
I will take care of "his" children and love them like they deserve.
I will take care of "his" wife and make sure she stays strong and healthy, at least as best I can.
I will make sure we are all taken care of so he can just focus on himself. The rest is up to him.
It always was, but man do I like to snatch that rope up. Like the mom who jumps in and does everything for their kids. What do they end up with? A helpless kid who resents their mom for letting them be helpless.....That is not quite what I am up against but I just KNOW I can't do this for him. He stayed in the past b/c he knew it was what I wanted, what was "best". I need to know that this time it would be because HE wanted it so much....
I can tell this will be a long week. I keep thinking
*Am I sure he KNOWS how much I love him? *Does he know I am willing to work it out? *Does he understand that I deserve better and he needs to give me better or let me go? *Does he know this doesn't equal me giving up on him, but me expecting more from him?
I know that he must know these things, it is just so out of the ordinary for me to take a step back. Sit still BBJ, sit still......
Just to be clear, I'm all for you waiting. I just don't know if you have the proper life guard training. Maybe we can decide that the C is a lifeguard and you are there to point him in the right direction.
Enough with this analogy..... I've got a headache.
Yeah, in the message I just let him know that his tears and frustration last night showed me he needs to get help from someone, counselor/pastor/friend/mentor (the list I wrote earlier), and that I hope he seeks that help.
I don't have the proper training for this. My main method of healing is loving and supporting someone. For years my MIL has said I am WAY too nice to her son?!? She has often said I need to be "tough" on him, and that was before she knew about the As.......hate it when the MIL is right
You don't need to give me analogies. I like the truth straight up, just fine! Easier to digest for me. You are saying I may not be prepared to deal with his current emotional state, right? That he is screwed up in ways I can't fix, that he needs someone skilled in the art of self-improvement, self-awareness to help him find the way back to the "old Dan"? If I could fix him by loving him to death, he would be perfect by now?
I know, I know, I know. I can't fix this. That is the sucky part. I hate waiting. I am patient with my little school children but not at all patient with my life....
Find a way to be patient with him. I know there must be a good man in there for you to love him like you do. Sometimes it takes a person hitting bottom for them to ask for help. Maybe that's what he needs.
In my opinion your MIL is right. But, that's what love does to a person. You don't have to stop loving him to do what's right for you. As a matter of fact, I don't think you could.
H called tonight. D was already in bed. As soon as it rang I handed the phone to S without talking. He talked to his dad 100 miles a minute for about 5 minutes, then gave me the phone.
H was laughing at something our S said. I laughed back. We talked about 2 minutes and then I said I would let him get some rest, I knew he was tired.
It was sort of hard for me to just get off the phone, but I knew I needed to. My urge was to say something about how I loved him, wanted to be there for him, etc. But I didn't. I just laughed about what our S said, filled him in on some missing details from S's story (he was telling dad about meeting an "old" friend from his former day care at Dairy Queen tonight, the boy told S his name was "still Owen", like it would have changed in the past 18 months?!? Cute), and got off the phone.
I have to believe that my H knows just how much I love him, or I wouldn't have come this far with him. All I can do is take care of me and the kids and hope he loves us enough to want to work it out... I know most of his problems are his alone, but that means, to me, that he would have them whether or not he was with us. So why get rid of the loving supportive family because he has personal issues? Again, not my decision to make. Gotta focus on what I CAN do. Which, unfortunately for me, is the dishes............
"I have to believe that my H knows just how much I love him, or I wouldn't have come this far with him."
Believe it. Let your last message stand. I know its hard.
"I know most of his problems are his alone, but that means, to me, that he would have them whether or not he was with us. So why get rid of the loving supportive family because he has personal issues?"
Because they can't "fix" it.
"It was sort of hard for me to just get off the phone, but I knew I needed to."
If you knew you would have done it.
"My urge was to say something about how I loved him, wanted to be there for him, etc. But I didn't. "
This has not worked in the past and I already got on you about doing this. I am glad you did not this time.
"Gotta focus on what I CAN do. Which, unfortunately for me, is the dishes"
If that keeps you busy. Rock on! If you need some more you can come and do mine. D14 can't seem to load the dishwasher. There is a 20 spot in it for ya! Hel* if you do a good job I'll even give you a smack on the butt.
I can see you getting there.. BJ. Sorry you always catch me at my "Drama Queen" moments.
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
I can deal with your Drama Queen moments! I told Woog, I like my advice and my truth straight up. No need to decipher the code. Just smack me with the 2 x 4 so I understand you. No, seriously, I am one smart girl (really!), but with my love life, I see things through Emotion so I need reality checks from more objective sources. You give me those.
Yeah, I talked to him for 2 minutes. Should have just let S hang up when he was done. Maybe tomorrow I will do it. For me it was victory just to keep it short and not say anything I used to say. I can't go back to that, it didn't work then and it won't work now. It is just taking me time to realize that not talking to H doesn't make me a B!tch. Just means I am giving him the space he needs.
And I don't LOVE doing the dishes. My dishwasher broke 2 weeks ago. I get a new one in 2 weeks. Until then, I am the dish-doing mama. Trust me, I am good at most things. I would get your 20 and the butt smack if I did yours...
I am going to do my best to "let my last message stand". I hear you on that. H needs to "feel" my resolution. He needs to know I am not playing. Because this is too important to screw up now.
BJ
p.s. "I know most of his problems are his alone, but that means, to me, that he would have them whether or not he was with us. So why get rid of the loving supportive family because he has personal issues?"
Because they can't "fix" it.
So, how does that make sense? Nobody can "fix" it, so he should be with nobody?
Cute), and got off the phone.
