You are right, he needs help. That is part of why I see it as "make or break". Because if he can't reach out for help from a counselor or pastor or mentor or wherever he can find it, then it won't ever work for us. It will be more than a separation. I can't be with him when he is so messed up. That is what sucks. I don't want to make the decision, but I don't see the other options. If we had no kids I could see just living my life, getting my own place, moving forward and letting him figure his stuff out. Maybe we could work it out, maybe not....
But I have two little kids watching what is going on. There is no good way to explain this to them. They need more consistency, not, "Daddy and I will just see what happens.........". I don't expect him to be able to get his act together in one week. I don't expect him to become the stable, composed, in-control man I used to know. I guess I was just hoping I would see him acknowledge he needs help, and tell me that once he is back in one piece he wants to do all he can to be a "real" family again. I just don't see how that can happen, which is why this whole thing sucks.
Your H sounds so confused. He does not have a clear vision of his own future, let alone that of a family. I agree with Woog - you just have to live your life without any expectations of him.
It is so tough to hear the words of your S's wishes. However, as you mentioned, living in a loveless marriage may not be in the best interest of the children. I mentioned all 3 options before to W and she too could not fully understand the best option - work on being happy in the marriage.
I am in a similar situation because my W also does not have any idea of her long term future. She is still living with OM and I am living my life as if we are divorced. I dont know when I will pull the final trigger, but I do know that as time passes, I am losing more and more interest in wanting to continue to be married to the person my W has become.
Just as in my situation, only you can answer the question of when enough is enough. I just dont see the need to rush things now as I am fairly content (other than lack of love and intimacy).
As for the ear infection, has a doctor ever recommended to having the adenoids removed? My S had this operation done when he was 5 and has not had an ear infection since. There is the risk because of the anesthesia they use which should be considered. My boy had some breathing problems when he came out of the anesthesia and he was very scared and crying.
Our conversations are usually tangential, we start out in one place, drift somewhere else, come back to the middle, move in another direction...
That is my way of saying I may have expressed some of these ideas to H, but probably not in such a concise way. Also some of it I think I concluded overnight as I re-thought events.
Do you think that I should express these thoughts to him "just as I wrote them" on here? Maybe before I go pitch dark this week I should just give him the 2 paragraph snapshot of where I stand. I usually bombard him (and you guys ) with loads of thoughts at once. I welcome your opinion.
My boss comes from Jordan, ever since this mess started with my H he has given me valuable advice. He once told me a "story". He said, let's pretend you see a friend you love, in the sea, who (you know) can't swim, screaming for help, fighting for his life, what do you do?
You sit outside on the beach and yell at him, "you stupid a$$, why did you go in since you can't swim? I hope you enjoy this!! Who is going to come rescue you? You better learn how to swim fast the way I do or you are dying...!!"
or
You go in, carefully, save him, bring out on the shore and once his regains his conscious again, you slap him big time, to get the last bit of water out of him (and "punish" him for scaring the hell out of you)? I don't know why, this is what popped in my mind after reading your posts.
Reading what your H was like this weekend, it sounds to me you are asking for something he doesn't have at the moment. Either you keep asking knowing you are not going to get it, stop and wait until he has it or quit because you can't wait. Think about it.
Keep still this week I agree, I'll post some later, K
I think I will tell him those things this afternoon.
K,
In your story, the problem is I KNOW he can't swim, so I want to save him. But I can't swim in and save him. As Woog says, he is flailing around too much and bigger than me, so I hurt myself when I try to save him and we both wind up tired and bruised...We have been repeating this scenario for months, with a few minor variations. He didn't want to be saved, didn't think he needed saving. Now he thinks he is BEYOND saving, I fear...
I would love option B in your list, wait for him to get what he needs. I don't want to quit. But what to do with the children while I wait, and for how long????
That's why in my story it says "you go in, carefully..."
I can see you are past this point but your H sounds a mess. Why on earth do you expect to get a decent reaction out of him at the moment? Maybe he is a mess because as Woog says, you stuck to your guns for the first time EVER? Maybe you helped him a bit to become the person he is now. What are your choices now? Bbj, if you think he is a GOOD man then give him a chance to get his act together. For the first time, give him CLEAR directions what you want from him by sticking to your firm position. Let him find his way.
You are asking me what to do with your kids while you do not know what is happening in the future? Do you remember where I stand? Exactly the same status. THEY KNOW that their Dad may come back or may not come back. They are discussing it with me and him. They are confused. I am dealing with this. Long term wise, as much as, you keeping quiet a bit longer, confuses them, believe me, once/if their dad is back home they will forget, they are still young. My C even, although she forces my H to make a decision, she tells me that if the outcome is good they will be fine.
Whay don't you call a C, ask yours, explain exactly what is going on, if there is another way to handle this (Sorry Woog, I don't agree with Bbj telling S just now). If you were in the same city, I would say go ahead. But now, what is the problem? You have a reason why you two do not live together, it's not even a lie (yet)...
In a way I agree with Kalni. However, to continue the analogy, throw him a life perserver (aka get him to a C). Do'nt go in yourself. You can't save him yourself.
Kalni, there is no right answer and I can't say I am right to tell BBJ to tell her son right now. I only know that kids know there is an issue and confusion at that age isn't a good thing. I am not a therapist and I don't even play on on TV. It's just my opinion.
Yes, there is no right answer.It's just my opinion and your opinion. I guess what I AM saying, actually I may have not said it yet, telling S will not make it easier for him, or Bbj... It could even become worse.
K
So, are we having our first creative argument here?
) with loads of thoughts at once. I welcome your opinion.