well MM good luck over the weekend. from my own 3 day sich ( and belive me we were waaaaaay less close then you guys are) she may need space over the time. give it too her. 3 days can be long for both of ya so its good you went a little dim. aww who am i kidding im jelious good luck buddy
Well....for anyone who has been wondering how my 3 day weekend with W went, here is my report
First, if all you want is an update, I'll save you reading the whole thing (it is really long), here is the executive summary: - Are we back together? No. - Are we going our separate ways? I don't know...doesn't seem like it. - Did we talk about reconciliation plans? No. - Was it "weird"? No! - Did she go quiet, put up walls, or seem reflective at any point during the weekend? No! - Did we talk, talk, talk, just like old times, despite a 3 hour drive in each direction, 3 breakfasts, lunches and dinners? YEAH BABY! - Was there R talk? A bit, but not much.
So that's it in a nutshell...now here is the full deal.
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This weekend was our 28th wedding anniversary. Those who have followed my story know that things were going really well about 2 months ago, then she got scared that we were moving too fast, and she pulled way, way back. We have been up, down and all around, and she still hasn't decided what she wants to do about being married to me. 2 months ago I managed to get tickets to see the Dalai Lama and Dave Matthews (on the same bill - go figure) in Seattle, which was on our anniversary weekend. When W and I started to run into difficulties, I started to wonder what the heck to do with the tickets. About 3 weeks ago I finally told her I had them, and what did she want to do? She said she wanted to go.
So, fast-forward to Thursday night. We had to go to a meeting together, which was just a few minutes from her place. She invited me to spend the night. So I did. We had dinner, a couple of glasses of wine, and went to bed. no hanky-panky (we have decided to try not to have sex, it complicates things).
Friday morning, we showered, got the Jeep packed up and hit the road. Out to breakfast at McDonalds...a classy start! As we drove, she started talking about her thoughts about the upcoming weekend...she said she really just wanted to spend some time with me, with no expectations and no pressure toward any type of outcome (mental note: good info for me, thanks honey!). I told her all I wanted was to hang out with her, have fun, see a great event, go out for some nice meals, and do a bunch of shopping. Nothing more (which was true). So we high-fived and agreed that we would do it that way.
We chatted the whole way to Seattle, which was 3 hours driving in total. I enjoyed it. We got to the hotel, got parked and checked in, then it was already time to get ourselves to the event.
We got a cab, got to Key Arena, and for the next 5 hours, got to witness an incredible outpouring of love and music. The Dalai Lama spoke for an hour or so, then Dave Matthews played for what seemed like forever, solo acoustic. Dave is one of W and I's favorite musicians, and we were just basking in the whole experience. Many times I had my arm around her and she cuddled into me and had her hand on my knee. A few times I sensed her pulling back, that's OK, I just let it happen.
We went out for a late dinner when we got back, and it was really nice...the only weird thing was when she casually mentioned "I don't see you in my future, but I'm not discounting that you might be". I just let it slide off my back. It's just a sentence.
We went back to the room and went to bed, behaved ourselves once again, although she did ask for a foot rub, which I was happy to oblige. Once we settled into bed, she caressed my back for a few minutes, which was very nice...it's been a while since I've been touched in a loving way.
Saturday morning, we woke up and were talking in bed...I didn't want to say Happy Anniversary, just because it would have been inappropriate, in a way. So I just said "happy Saturday, W". She looked at me and said "happy Saturday to you too, anniversary boy", and she smiled with some light tears in her eyes.
I went out to Starbucks and brought back coffees and breakfast, and we took our time having a lazy morning, listening to music, showering, reading, and enjoying the morning sun. We had a corner suite on the 20th floor with a view of the water and city, so it was pretty spectacular. The weather was forecast to be a very unseasonal 76 degrees, so we were looking forward to Day 2: SHOPPING.
Finally around 10:00am, we ventured out and hit Nordstrom, Banana Republic, Tommy Bahama and a bunch of others...wow, Seattle is awesome for shopping. Altogether we spent about 2 grand in clothes and stuff...one thing we have never done over the years is treat ourselves to nice clothes, so we are making up for lost time.
We went out for lunch, then took the stuff back to the hotel around 2pm. Then we went out for a couple beers, and then walked down to Pike Place Market, on the waterfront. There were literally thousands of people out enjoying the HOT sunshine...it was like summer. We browsed bookstores, looked at what the vendors were selling, just really had a nice time together.
At no time did I try to hold her hand or be affectionate with her in any way. I just wanted us to hang out together and see how we were with each other. It was, so far, so good.
Saturday night we went out for dinner again, and then we went up to our room and watched some TV and drank a bottle of wine that we had bought at the market.
I gave her a deep back massage, and she gave me an equally deep foot massage. That'll have to do instead of sex...it was still really nice.
Around 11pm, it was lights out, we shared a goodnight kiss. We woke at about 2am, talked a bit, another little kiss, and we slept until 7am.
We almost got carried away in bed, but we were able to stop ourselves in time. Later, she said it felt awkward NOT having sex, since it just seemed so natural and easy for us. But we agreed, at least for now.
So this morning we watched a bit more TV, had a nice breakfast, then we packed up and hit the freeway. About 20 minutes into the drive she looked over at me and said, simply..."So?" I said "So what?". She says "So, how do you think this weekend went?". I told her I thought it was really relaxed, neither of us did anything strange, and I had a really good time. She nodded. "Me too, exactly" she said.
3 hours later we were back at her apartment, and I made sure I helped carry her stuff up, but didn't hang around. In fact, she said "oh, we forgot to put the parking pass on your Jeep!", and I said "that's OK, I'm not hanging around, I'm heading home".
I drove home (30 minutes) and she had already left a message on my machine. Saying good luck unpacking, she had just done it and it was harder than she thought it would be.
I called her back, we talked for 5 minutes, and at the end I said "W, I just want you to know I had a really nice time this weekend. It was great spending time with you".
She said "Yes it was, I had a really nice time too. It was a lot of fun, MM. Thank you so much for everything".
So!
Quite a weekend. Are we any closer to resolving this thing? Who knows. But at least we had an awesome time together, there was not a single uncomfortable moment, and we had fun.
I think it will pay dividends to you in the future.
I sure do hope so, Dave. This weekend proved to me that, despite the fact that I have detached a lot from the drama, and that we have both changed in many ways...I really do want her to be part of my future.
One interesting thing, which we talked about.
W and me have undergone significant internal changes since separating. We are different people in our value systems and how we view the world. However, in our daily interactions, and how we appear to the outside world, we are 99% exactly the same.
Congrats on the weekend! Sounds like you both really were able to have a sustained connection over the 3 days, which is really quite something! As usual, you were pro with handling the boundaries and balancing of things.
I'm interested to hear more about what you mean re: "significant internal changes since separating". Also, this: "I don't see you in my future, but I'm not discounting that you might be". was almost identical to my W.'s version: "I can't really imagine us together, but I can't really imagine myself with someone else either" and "I could see that we could stay together and it would all work out fine, but I could also see us not together and it would be fine too".
Love the clarity that this brings!! Wish I could have let it roll off my back like you did, MM! I look forward to hearing what comes next. You know, it sounds like putting some limits on stuff like the sexual interactions might have actually brought more closeness and greater comfort with each other. I'm with C_K...I think this is a good deposit in the ol' emotional bank account that you have together.
W and me have undergone significant internal changes since separating. We are different people in our value systems and how we view the world. However, in our daily interactions, and how we appear to the outside world, we are 99% exactly the same.
This is something I can relate too, As W and me are often in each others company for whatever reasons the most common question I get is " are you two back together ?? ".
Even right at the begining we did discuss doing this separation "our way" and have probably both failed to conform with what the outside world would expect of a separated couple. We have at least talked about this with each other.
I think it comes down to the fact that we are separated for some very good reasons , however despite that we care enough about each other not to destroy whats left.
I think you are in a good place mm and with some patience the outlook is reasonable .
Nice weekend Mink. I wish I could do something like this with my W. It is just impossible at this time. She is to angry. We did spend Friday night, Satyrday and Sunday at S12 sporting events though. She was very curious where i was Saturday night and whom I was with. I played it a little cagey.
Yeah we had a really good time, but the normal pattern is that she will now reflect on the time together, realize that it's in conflict with her "plan", and pull back.
My DB coach says this is both predictable and normal. Doesn't mean I'll enjoy it!
