Many times I feel all hope is lost, too. However, I keep going back to my goals that I set when I first read the DR book. When I see that, I realize that we have moved forward from where we were 2-3 months ago. And, even when we aren't moving forward, at least we are neutral. In fact, some goals have been achieved, and I need to write some more.
My goal right now is to buy time.
I am hoping that, in that time: 1. She will be able to sort her thoughts out regarding what she "wants" for herself. 2. She will set her own goals. 3. She will see that I have every quality that she wants in a partner (I already know this is the case, and it adds to her confusion). 4. She will start to see me in a positive light; by not being around me all the time, the changes in me are more evident. 5. She will feel less pressure to make a decision, and will let it happen naturally. 6. I will regain the life that I had before I became boring and complacent. 7. I will become someone that she would not want to lose.
One of my "original" goals when I first started this program was that I would notice her coming closer, by her initiating at least 25% of contact. Well, that is probably 40-50% now, so that has been achieved. Plus, a lot of her contact is just touching base, or checking in...so that shows a level of comfort that was not there before.
Next....
She told me in plain English that she needed space. She needs to think, without having me in her face. She wants to be alone. At first, I had trouble with that. Now it's pretty good. When I pushed too hard to do things with her or ask her out on dates too often, or call/text/email her, she told me I was smothering her. That wasn't respecting her request for space, and did NOT help.
Next....
I got a DB coach. She has been GREAT, and really helped me in focusing on what I needed to do, in the short term. She was able to tell me what my wife's actions and reactions really meant, as I tried various things.
Last, but not least....
I really try to keep busy. I have reconnected with friends. I am auditioning for a rock band. I am recording music at home. I go for walks and hikes...alone! I am painting watercolors. I read books (and not just marriage-saving books). I rent movies, and go to movies alone. I visit my kids, and have gone to movies with them as well. I signed up for a 10k run, and have been training for it. I signed up for yoga. I lift weights. Blah blah blah. My point is, sitting around feeling bad was not helping. I needed to get moving, and when I did that, two things happened. 1. My wife started commenting on it. 2. I started to feel a lot better.
I still have my bad days, as you know...but mostly I am very grateful for a very good life.
It would just be better if my W was sharing all of this with me!
The 'expectations circus is rolling back into town' - I'm trying not to buy a ticket.
LOL-I love that!!!
You're continuing to do fantastic!
Me-43 H-46 M 12 yrs 7/09 T 15 2 grown kids bomb 7/05/07 H moved out 8/04/07 11/22/09 told him I quit;let's get ball rolling Mid Dec- he isn't sure he wants D End 2/2010-Starting to consider piecing
No problem enjoying the circus for a while , just remember you will need to go home at some stage.
She is starting to do some of the work in this R and thats a very good thing. Its softly softly now , prepare for the bumps you know will come , enjoy the good bits of the ride.
Your response to Marcum on sustaining hope and the goals was really great! I may "borrow" a few of your goals if you don't mind for myself!
Hmm...your post made me think a little differently. I've been feeling very aimless, but I realize I've actually been working towards some goals all along without knowing it. But putting them down in a format like you have seems like a good step. I'm going to give it a try!
I don't think you're tiptoeing, it's more that you've learning what doesn't work and your avoiding that. You know what you're doing!
Me: 42/H: 37 T: 10 years/M: 8 D9, S8 Bomb: 7.23.07 Separated: 1.20.08 D Final 3.19.09 Affair started in '05, found out parts in 11/07. They married 11.26.09
Yes, that's sort of what I meant, CW. Tiptoeing, to me, is proceeding cautiously...as opposed to walking on eggshells, where one is in fear of making one false move.
In any case, I am fairly comfortable with where we are right now. Back to "slow and easy, let's see where it goes, no forced outcomes or expectations".
We are going to a yacht club meeting together on Thursday night, then she has asked me to stay overnight "if I want to". The next morning we are headed to Seattle for 3 days. It's our 28th anniversary that weekend, and we are going down to hang out, see the sights, go to a concert (Dave Matthews / Dalai Lama), and do some shopping.
Also, I'm sure we are seeing if we can stand each other for 3 days in a row, after being separated 3 months!
Have you thought about not taking her up on her offers to stay overnight? Perhaps you shouldn't stay overnight this time and tell her that you think the upcoming three days will be a lot of time together and giving a little space beforehand would be a good idea.
Your W can anticipate the weekend while she's alone. She'll be looking forward to seeing you.
I like your tiptoe/eggshell comments. Eggshells: bad. Tiptoeing: good.
Me: 42/H: 37 T: 10 years/M: 8 D9, S8 Bomb: 7.23.07 Separated: 1.20.08 D Final 3.19.09 Affair started in '05, found out parts in 11/07. They married 11.26.09
Went out for a really nice dinner with friends last night. I was "paired up" with another single lady, we both joked all night how we were on a date, but it wasn't like that.
I was sitting back and observing my thoughts in this situation - quite interesting.
It showed me that I am definitely not ready to date anyone...although I was very attracted to the lady, I kept thinking of W and how I feel in my bones that we are not "done" yet.
Detachment is good though, I don't find myself thinking of her all the time, which is far more healthy. For example, this morning when I woke up, I thought of 2 or 3 other things before she even crossed my mind. Big change.
