Minkerman: Neutral is the new Forward!

[Trixi]

Dang Minkerman-

Reading THIS thread I think YOU'RE the inspiration!

Definitely all sounds good to me. I think I need to check out your past thread because based on what I just read, you're kicking butt and taking names!

Keep up the good work!!

[Trixi]

Yup- just read the thread that locked up (soothing the skittish spouse) and you're amazing.

I wish I would have thought to do a Dobson letter; now wouldn't be a good time since my H just announced we're dating exclusively, but still....

I live in the greater Seattle area. I don't know if you guys are doing the outlet malls near the Tulalip Casino in Marysville, but if you are, the Casino often has a live band on the weekend. You might want to look into it. The Afrodisiacs/Spazmatics (same band, different music) are great to see/ fun for dancing. Here's their website: http://www.afrospaz.com/index.html

You're doing so awesome!

[minkerman]

Well, once again, I don't want to bore everyone with my mundane life...but things have once again taken a bad turn. My poor W is having a hell of a time. Which means, so am I.

We were talking on the phone as I drove home tonight. She started in with how I was sending mixed messages...I had "set her free" (Dobson Letter) but I was acting as if I still wanted her. Last night at the wine event, we were all lovey-dovey, then we ML at her place, she told me she loved me at least twice, we cuddled affectionately in bed...who is sending the mixed messages here???

Of course I agreed with her, yes honey I guess I am sending mixed messages...I'm new at this and I'm confused about my feelings too, sorry.

I told her I do want her...I just wasn't waiting by the door for her to come home any more. But that doesn't change the fact that I prefer that we are together!

She said 'but you set me free....it's supposed to be if I come back I was yours...if not then I never was'.

I said 'are you saying that you want to be free?'

'I guess I am' she said.

'So are you saying you are definitely moving on, that you feel there is no hope whatsoever?' I asked

'I'm feeling that way' she said.

'What about the ML...isn't that an indicator that there is something worth exploring?' I asked.

'Well it is very very nice, but sometimes I feel like you're just my f**k buddy'

Ouch.

I said well, you better think long and hard before making a decision like this, that will affect the rest of your life.

She said she doesn't know where I got the idea that we were reconciling, in her mind she was always moving on. I refrained from reminding her that just last night she said she was on the fence...leaning my way. She wouldn't remember anyway.

She has said a ton of things in the past 3 months that left no doubt in my mind that she was considering getting back with me.

'We can talk more tomorrow' she said.

We hung up.

It's now 2 hours later...she called 'just checking in' she said, 'are you OK?'. I'm fine, I said. I was definitely not talkative, just don't feel like talking to her right now. She is not playing fair.

I know it isn't over until the fat lady sings, but this is pretty discouraging. I have so much to offer, and I just want to offer it to her...but she's not buying.

[minkerman]

Oh and I sent her an email 30 minutes ago...saying the following:

W,

I will ask you to do this, for me and for you....

At this critical point in your journey, please take a breather, and talk to somebody.
A counselor, therapist, whatever.....just talk to someone that can help you to understand this.
Someone who will listen nonjudgmentally to your feelings, and help you gain some clarity.

What could it possibly hurt?

You already know that the decision you are about to make will change your life forever.

You don't need to reply....please just think about it.

MM

Pin pulled, grenade tossed.....she has been adamant to this point that she does not need any counseling. BS.

[Purr]

Hi MM,

Just dropping by to catch up on your thread and check in. Sounds like things are going well. Gosh, I think it would be hard to have so much connection and contact and yet W. still sitting on the fence. Seems like you are doing a great job though and I like the post on attraction / "boringness". Good food for thought for me!

Good to see you're doing so well, MM. Keep going!

Purr

[Trixi]

Wow-MM
Yeah, I can see why that would set you back on your heels...

You're right, it ain't over til the fat lady sings.

She is just "feeling" this way right now. And I bet there are some moments in time when if someone asked, you would say you were "feeling" in a negative way.

Hang tight--
Believe me- those WAS's are crazy. In December, my H told me that we should hurry up and file in January. And, in fact, we should do it online because it would be faster and cheaper. (He asked me this in an Instant Message!!)

Well, you know where we are right now. "Exclusively Dating." He was VERY sure in December that divorce was happening- now I am slowly winning him over.

Stay the course. Call your DB coach. ((Minkerman))

[minkerman]

W emailed me about an hour ago.

She did not have a good reaction to my email last night. Asking her to seek counseling before making a life changing decision.

She said "Did I miss something or are you having some bizarre conversation in your head? Are you talking about divorce? I am on the page of separation, which I thought you were OK with, since we are both on our journeys."

I replied that last night I asked her if she thought there was no chance for us...she said she was feeling that way...I took that to mean she was moving on. So I apologized for taking it wrong, and that we could talk about it more tonight.

I need to do some damage control. Any suggestions??

[cw68]

Just give her space. She's sending mixed signals, talking about leaving for good but then backpeddling to separation.

Tell her that you do think counseling would help her but that you're not going to push anything, that your concern was for her and nothing else. Say you'd like to continue to do fun things together and just see where things go, that you're her friend.

And continue to detach, back off and just see where things go. Of course, DB like he|| as you do it!

[Trixi]

I don't know if you need to bring it up to talk further about.

You took what she said the wrong way (ie, as a decision for a direction and not 'just' a feeling).

If you want to discuss more about your personal journeys, fine. But rehashing that you thought she meant divorce when all she meant was that she was feeling negative seems like it could bring more weight to the conversation/her feelings than necessary--it was a misunderstanding. period....if she brings it up, obviously discuss further, if not- move on. Just have fun.

Like I said in my other post to you, at any given moment, we all have negative feelings about our relationships. We all question what we should do and think about throwing in the towel. It doesn't mean that is what we actually PLAN to do. *Feelings* come and go.

Keep up a good PMA and move forward.

[C_K]

From the Hitchikers Guide to the Galaxie

DO NOT PANIC !

You have been doing fine , just stay on course , you are being tested to see if the new minkerman is for real.

What you have been doing has been working , this is a bump wait at least 48hrs before reacting in any way.

Dave