I am 44 years old today. My W and I have been married 7 years. We met via the Internet when we were both 36. She lived in another state at the time and I traveled to her state weekly to date. She ended up moving to Tennessee about 9 months after we met. I asked her to marry me about 3 months after we met. This is not my first rodeo, I married my first W right out of high school-I was 19, young, immature and did not know what I was doing. That marriage failed after 10 years due to an affair by her, I have a son by the first marriage, he is 23. I had joint custody of him since he was 10 but my first W made it extremely hard to get visitation and other things so my R with my son has been very hard due to things she said and did. I have a daughter by my second wife. My daughter is 2.
My R with my second W started out great. I love her and have loved her since we first met. We had a whirlwind romance and have had many things happen through our R that have been difficult. My W was 36 when we met and had never had a child. I had a vasectomy after my first marriage and had decided I did not want more kids. There was some discussion about a child before we got married but no definite plans. My W moved to Tennessee, we built her dream home up in the mountains (log Home)on land her mother owned and moved in. Shortly after moving in, maybe within a year-year and a half, immense pressure was put on her by her mother and father to have a child. I feel like this is when our problems started. I told my W I did not really want another child. We were not in a good financial position at the time, no money for the vasectomy reversal and then their were age issues, so I waffled. I just could not come to a decision about having another child..My W felt like I made her wait, which I did but not for the reasons she thinks. I made her wait because of the financial part..I ended up have the surgery, she ended up having to have some In vitro procedures done in order to conceive..we have a beautiful daughter now who I love, adore and would not take anything for, I do not regret for 1 minute the decision I made to go ahead and commit to having another child. My biggest regret is that my waffling and indecision has led us to where we are now. My wife informed me on Jan. 21st that she wanted a divorce, she told me again on Feb. 13th. She filed for a divorce on Feb. 26th and told me the papers were waiting on me at the courthouse. I did not pick them up and they have not been served on me. My W and I have been in counseling since 1st of March. We went to 2 sessions with a counselor who was referred to me by my EAP through work, we both thought he was OK during the first session but he either decided he needed to nap, had a stroke or was doped up the second session because he fell asleep 6 times and talked jibberish the second session..SOOOOO, we start with a new therapist tomorrow night.
I am hear, at this place in my life, because I took my W for granted. I look back and see I made so many R mistakes. Her mother has never liked or accepted me and this has caused tremendous problems that I did not handle well. We a problem arose or an argument started I immediately shut down and got quite due to a lack of communication skills. I have worked on myself since Christmas..I have improved my communication with my wife and tried to get her to see the man she fell in love with. I have been working out, lost 28 pounds and may see my Abs soon. I have taken a totally different approach around her mother--her mom is controlling, uses guilt as a weapon..I now let what her mothers crap roll right off my back..I finally figured out a 64 year old woman is not going to change, I have to change. Problem is my W says I killed all her feelings(love) for me and she does not know if she can get those feelings back. We are still in the same house, living in separate bedrooms.
I have read Divorce Busting and Divorce Remedy and have looked around this website quite a bit. I guess I'm looking for support, help and suggestions. There are just so many things we have been through that it's hard to list it all in one post.
Hi M, welcome to divorcebusting.com. and....HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!
My intuition tells me there are other things besides the in laws and your daughter. I think this information sets up the background.... but I think there are other things.
What does SHE say are her complaints?
What is the difference in you from now and when you fell in love?
am hear, at this place in my life, because I took my W for granted. I look back and see I made so many R mistakes. Her mother has never liked or accepted me and this has caused tremendous problems that I did not handle well. We a problem arose or an argument started I immediately shut down and got quite due to a lack of communication skills. I have worked on myself since Christmas..I have improved my communication with my wife and tried to get her to see the man she fell in love with.
You can build communication skills, and we can help you. You can use some of the skills in DR.
Hang in there.....and do something nice for yourself for your birthday.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
Her main complaints are that I am not a family man. She says I am a bachelor at heart. She says I don't help out enough around the house, don't help with our daughter. Don't pay enough of the monthly expenses. I don't put her first..Some of that is true and I have changed all that since Christmas..Dinner is now waiting for her when she comes home, I do the laundry, I'm working my tail off and she notices the changes but is it to late? I keep telling myself, don't give up..but it's difficult. I get up with our daughter on weekends but due to my work schedule it's hard for me to do that through the week. I'm at home with my daughter on my birthday because my W had late work meetings in another city. I'm fine with that. I'm having fun with my daughter 2 is a cool age.
I have had real problems with her mother and her mother with I. Her mother is very controlling and uses guilt to get her way..I have a real problem with being guilted about things. Ask me to do something, I'm good, guilt me there's a problem.
I was a nice guy with a big heart and still am. I'm pretty opinionated and am not afraid to say what I'm thinking which can be very bad sometimes. I feel I have always put her first by making sacrifices for her..building the house she wanted, where she wanted, I changed my work schedule and took a cut in pay because she wanted me home at night. I drive 53 miles daily one way to work so we can live where we do. I feel like I sacrificed for her by getting the surgery, raiding my 401K to get the money to do it..Some of that may be selfish on my part..but it's how I feel sometimes..I always felt marriage was about making sacrifices but I don't know if that's correct now or not. I'm not the same guy that I was you change through the years, but I feel like I can change and get some of the good qualities, that she fell in love with, back. So I'm doing more, contributing more, trying to be her friend, trying not to push or talk to much about us.
The baby issue really started us on this path I think..She really got angry because she had to wait longer because of me and has never forgot it or things that were said during fights we had about the baby...she reminds me of it every chance she gets...
A few more items I forgot to mention which may be pertinent..When my wife had our daughter, she had complications from the surgery, her C-section scar took 11 weeks to heal, her thyroid got out of whack, she told me at Christmas that she suffered from postpartum depression but did not tell me until 20 months after my daughter was born and I had no idea...she acted the same as she always did. She gained a lot of weight during the pregnancy and has been unable to lose it. I know this bothers her. She's on Prozac now and being treated for Hypothyroidism..I feel all this is connected..her health, my communication skills, issues we have faced during our marriage, lack of money, her mother....it's all wrapped up...I feel like our marriage can be saved...it's going to take a lot of work on my part. I know I contributed to getting us here by my actions and inactions.
I can relate to some of your problems. My wife left and it made me realize how much I had taken her for granted. Even though I thought I was doing all the important things a H should and none of the things a husband shouldn't do, I really missed the mark as far as what really counts. If you haven't read "the 5 love languages" or "his needs, her needs" I would recommend one or the other, they opened my eyes to a lot of what was going wrong. Like not doing chores wasn't just making her feel like I didn't do enough around the house but actually made her feel like I didn't love her by not doing these things. weird but it makes more sense to me now.
Wow. So you have a lot of information. And you are also trying to take care of EVERYTHING at once.
Women tend to say everything on their minds with their complaints. What you want to do is make sure with each complaint that you understand HOW important each one is to her. This is so that you aren't doing eleven things that have the importance of a 3 on a scale of one to ten, when you could do two 9's and she would be crazy in love with you again. Because if you do the eleven 3's and she's still complaining to you, you are going to burn out.
You mentioned you are a good person but you are opinionated. I am too. And a while ago I received feedback that it makes some people think I don't listen to them. Actually, I do. But it isn't the impression they get. So I've changed that. I give them 'more time' to talk. Even if they say the same darned thing over and over again. I ask them if they have any more thoughts or feelings about that. Ask them questions to discover more about what they are talking about. I don't like doing that. The things I have opinions about I've researched and thought through them a lot. But it works to do this. And I hold my tongue more. They don't have to know that I know what I know. Get it?
I'm sure you've done it. But you could probably do more of it. We women LOVE to be listened to.
I think the more you do that, you will find out how important each complaint is for her, and you may find ways to help her through her depression. One caution...don't offer her advice. Help her to offer herself some advice.
What do YOU think about what I just said?
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
Did you really just say.. He has N*C? Wait.. I should tone that back.
NIHTFI = No Idea How To Fix It.
OMG Becky.. She has fallen prey to.. What others think.
Here sgctxok.. I'll push a little. He is not gonna hear you.
People will show you the way..
M from Tennessee ...
"I don't put her first"
Trust in that. If she is saying it.. Listen to it.
"I was a nice guy with a big heart and still am. I'm pretty opinionated and am not afraid to say what I'm thinking which can be very bad sometimes."
You have the "good will".
"I feel I have always put her first by making sacrifices for her..building the house she wanted, where she wanted, I changed my work schedule and took a cut in pay because she wanted me home at night. I drive 53 miles daily one way to work so we can live where we do. I feel like I sacrificed for her by getting the surgery, raiding my 401K to get the money to do it..Some of that may be selfish on my part..but it's how I feel sometimes."
I feel ya. I see the sacrifice. You were not speaking her language. That had DAM all over it.
"I'm not the same guy that I was you change through the years"
Liar. You are exactly who you were. You would give anything. Sacrifice it all. You just don't understand how she can't see it.
"I know I contributed to getting us here by my actions and inactions."
This is a huge stepping stone. Now you posted. You got my vote. What do you need to do to make this better. Or.. What do you need to do to "fix" it.
You did take advantage of the wife in expecting her to always be here. Thats ok. You have to realize she may not always be. She does not have to stay. You have been there and done that.
If you have been there and done that. Why! are you doing it again.
"she told me at Christmas that she suffered from postpartum depression but did not tell me until 20 months after my daughter was born and I had no idea...she acted the same as she always did."
Are you really gonna tell me you had "no idea". Or did you spend almost 2 years trying to figure out how to "fix" it?
She is showing you the way. Your "Little Voice" is talking to you.
Don't let the "emotion" take that away.
"Love is patient, love is kind...love never fails."
Hmmm...
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
Forrest Gump-you are correct I have told her I would do anything, sacrafice everything to have her back, our relationship better and our family stay together. Honestly, I thought what she said was postpartum depression was just her being sick all the time. She has been constantly sick since the baby was born-colds, broncitus (sp.) and other viruses, illness. I attempted to get her to go to the doctor more often but she always got mad when I mentioned it. She is now going and the doctor is trying to get the thyroid straightened out. I can tell she feels better, she talks with me more about everyday things..small talk mostly..she does things that make me feel everything will be OK, then she does things to make me think that the papers will be served just anyday..I am letting her lead me..I know she is showing me the way as you said.. She says she has fallenm out of love with me and does not like who she is or what she has become....Anyway, I have changed a lot...I don't argue with her, I listen to her..she always has problems with her mother guilting her, so now instead of me getting mad at her mother when her mother guilts her, I've just started listening to my wife, telling her I'm sorry her mother does that to her and that her mothers guilt trips should not ruin my wifes day or what she is doing. Thanks for both the responses. I hear what both of you are saying and I appreciate the comments.
MC tonight with a new counselor. We both liked her a lot better than the last one. C says we both brought so much baggage into this marriage that we are lucky to still be married. C says there is much work to do. W agreed to go back next week..I still have hope and am trying to be patient..
