I've been a bit scarce lately as I've been contemplating summers comments on my thread....
Anyway, trust all is well & I thought I would just share this article with all of you
Best wishes & blessings CM
Quote:
March 10, 2008
The "Good, the Bad, and the Ugly" in Marriage
By Dave Boehi
In recent weeks I've been talking about why marriage is important in an age when an increasing number of couples are choosing to live together but not get married. I continue to receive some perceptive e-mails on the subject, and one theme keeps coming up: A recognition that we need to do a better job of showing couples how to deal with the difficult part of marriage—what one reader calls the "good, the bad, and the ugly."
"Marriage has become a negative term in this culture and society," wrote Elisha McGonagle. "We no longer look at marriage with anticipation, but with fear. Fear drives so many people in this country. People are scared that if they get married then there is the possibility of getting divorced.
"No, marriage does not guarantee a lifelong relationship, but neither does any relationship =2E..
Marriage was designed to be a lifelong relationship. The only reason it is not is because we have made it that way.
We too often look for any easy way out. If we feel unhappy, then just leave. If you feel unfulfilled, then leave. If your husband makes you mad, you can just leave."
Elisha knows first-hand the dangers of weak commitment in marriage. After she and her husband were married nearly four years, they were considering divorce. They talked with their pastor, and he said they needed to throw out the words "separate" and "divorce." "If you don't have those things as an option then you are forced to work things out. What an extraordinary thought ... we actually have to work through our issues."
She goes on:
Our country is a fast-food country. We want things easy and we want it now. No way do we want to do anything that requires effort. We go into marriage thinking that we will have the perfect little marriage and the perfect little family in the cookie-cutter house and we will never argue. Wrong! We need to know what we are actually agreeing to.
We are agreeing to stay with our spouse when things are the worst they have ever been. When they make you angry and call you names and hurt your feelings.
Marriage is not a continuous date. You now get to see the good, the bad, and the ugly.
Other readers shared some practical words on how their faith helps them deal with difficulties and conflict in marriage.
Deborah Lynn Taylor wrote that marriage is designed by the ultimate Architect of love:
Through the love of God I can love my husband. I can love his smelly socks, and I can love the cologne he wears. I can love his bad habit of not taking out the trash, and I can love the way he impeccably cleans our bedroom. God's love is patient and kind. It bears all things. It believes all things and it never fails. My husband and I have been married for seven years. And it has not been an easy road. We went from his surgery only two weeks after our wedding to losing his father.
And all in between there was confusion, money problems, new babies, miscommunication and interference from unwanted life situations.
But I remember that I love him. And I vowed to sustain through all of the good and bad times.
Misty Todd said that she said "I do" to her husband, she meant that commitment to last.
"I don't know how in the world people do it without Christ, though," she wrote. "He is the center of our home, and we still have days that we could really hurt each other without Christ at the center of their hearts and lives."
Finally, Sherry Jennings wrote to remind us that "One of the most important distinctions of marriage the way God intended is that it is a covenant, not just a commitment or a contract.
In marriage the way God intended, each spouse promises to love the other regardless of the other's performance."
Sherry concluded her e-mail with some powerful words:
A marriage is about seeing each other through God's eyes, hearing each other with God's ears, lifting each other with God's hands, encouraging each other with God's Words, and loving each other with God's heart. Marriage is about choosing each day, each minute, to honor God with our words and actions, and in turn, we honor our spouses. Marriage is recognizing that God created my husband specifically for me ->
How can I not love, honor, treasure a perfect gift from my perfect God?
PH Glad you had fun at beach Its hard to figure out what our H mean or dont by their words and actions a thank you card is probably a good idea its nice that your H is willing to be physically close and he helps out take it slow hopefully he will continue to take steps toward you peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Hi Peace, Thank you for your thoughts. I still need to write that Thank You card so he can get it this weekend. I want him to feel really appreciated. Somehow, I have been thinking about him alot yesterday and today. This makes me wonder if he's doing the same about me. Sometimes, it is hard to imagine him making the move to come home. I wish I know what his plan for us is, and his motives are.
PH It seems a lot of LBS see movement right now on this board you have waited a long time but try to continue GAL keep the thank you note light friendly not pushy? get busy and continue to give H space my newest mantra and I used it yesterday while H here NO pressure no pressure no pressure thats the way My H wants it peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Yes. I have sent him many thank you cards in the past. They have been friendly and appreciative. I think he likes them even though he doesn’t say so. In Jan, he mentioned he knows I miss him by the fact that I send him cards and emails. When I responded with “Should I stop sending them?”, he said “I am not saying that.” So I think he likes getting them.
Quote:
get busy and continue to give H space
been doing this for 20 months! He knows I am giving him space. He said so at the end of Dec.
To be honest, I think he wished he went on vacation with me. On Mon, he said “If I went with you, I wouldn’t have been able to walk for 2.5 hours…” Why would he even bring it up, if he wasn’t contemplating going on vacation with me? I didn’t even ask him. Plus he asked if I preferred the beach or a cruise for a vacation. His choice is a cruise and he was testing to see if I would prefer a cruise over the beach. Again, I think he was asking in relation to the possibility of going on vacation with me. And if he did, it’d be a cruise. That’s his suggestion every time we discussed vacation venues before the S.
When I asked him for the dog-sitting favor, I mentioned I didn’t invite him to go on vacation with me because I thought he wouldn’t be interested in going away with me. When I first told him about the vacation venue, he sounded disappointed and surprised. I am pretty sure he was disappointed that I didn’t invite him to go on vacation with me this last time. The day before the vacation, when he came to pick up the dog, he mentioned his passport had expired – meaning he couldn’t have gone with me anyway.
So now, with the Hawaii family reunion coming up, I feel I have to ask him but give him the option to decline. Anyway, I am still praying about it.
MMF, Thanks. He also appears to be distancing, possibly because he's upset about the bills issue, and worried about how he'd handle the expense. Whenwe hugged on Monday as he walked in the door, he turned his face away, implying he doesn't want to kiss at all. When he left, he hugged without a kiss but I reached out and to kiss him. When I did that, he received the kiss willingly. So I have a mixed bag of impressions from Monday's interaction. Thanks for your prayers. Praying for you too.
ANM, Responding to your post (in MMF's thread) here:
Originally Posted By: ANewMe
Thanks, PH. I see lots of positives in your situation and I am glad. I have to admit it is difficult after almost 4 years to see other people making so many gains in their situation and I am still stuck in the same place with H. Another note, I seem to have backslid and I am growing weary of the financial situation as well as not having a vehicle again. I am tired of doing everything alone.
I know what you mean about being stuck. As Bob wrote in The Prodigal's Perspective, the prodigal is going through hell in the far country but tries very hard to convince himself, his W and others that he's happy. Nothing could be further from the truth. This morning, I was contemplating my situation and wishing that my H would go to counselling or self-improvement workshop, etc. I was having doubts about him ever changing. Then this Bible verse came to my mind: Something like "God can do immeasurably more than we can ever imagine.." I don't remember the exact wording so please forgive me if I misquoted slightly. I know it's understandable to feel weary, especially when you're going through tough times. Please don't lose heart. I hope that knowing God loves you will comfort you and that you continue to trust and hope in God.
PH I think prayer is a good way to go I meditate every day and pray I hardly make a choice these days without consulting God Trust your gut about the invite Your H seems open to you
peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
