Not bad, MM. Of course, what we all want is for our S to run up to us and say, "I made a HUGE mistake! Yes, let's be together forever!" but the reality of it is that they need to be as sure as they can if/when they come back or the cycle will most likely repeat. I think part of my husband's mind can't get around the idea of coming back because he sat there wanting to escape for so long.
I think you're in good shape and are reacting honestly as well as comforting. Keep it up.
Me: 42/H: 37 T: 10 years/M: 8 D9, S8 Bomb: 7.23.07 Separated: 1.20.08 D Final 3.19.09 Affair started in '05, found out parts in 11/07. They married 11.26.09
She feels that coming back home would feel like a "failure to execute her plan" that she had been cooking up over the past year or so. I said, yeah, I can see that, especially based on how we were when you left. Of course you have to realize things have changed between us now, and you would not be coming back to the same situation....she knows that, and that's the part that makes her want to come home, but "the past" makes her 2nd-guess her decision.
I told her she thinks too much!
this indecision thing is the same with my W. says she wants to work on the marrage but if she does make a move she retreats as its " scary". I know exacly the pain you feel when she says stuff like that, if your outsides cool or not. there gets to be a " what about me? when is it my turn?" feeling. Im glad you told her you wouldn't wait for ever. i realise that like myself you probably will ( incert weak laugh) but they cant know that
Thanks Fish. I was really just going with the flow. Clint Eastwood was on my mind
No foot rubs this coming weekend, maybe I will suggest one for myself "it's my turn, honey".
On another note: A bit of an "aha moment" last night. A peek into her tent...
I sent her one email the day before yesterday, mentioning a concert by an artist she likes, that I had heard announced on the radio. Thought she might like to know, just for herself.
Then yesterday I emailed her asking what time she was getting off work. So last night, she said to me (in a playful manner) "you can't go a day without contacting me, can you?" I said "Can too". Later, I thought about what she was really saying...she seems to see it as predictable and needy.
So, no calls or emails until I see her next time. I'm pissed about that, mostly at myself. But also at her too...this has always been our dynamic, with me initiating contact.
This is a perfect opportunity to change that dynamic.
What you are doing, is working. The primary DB motto is, "Keep doing what works, stop doing what doesnt work."
So i would suggest not making changes to what you are doing, just because someone else thinks you need to "act like a real man".
Forget "acting like a real man"... act in the way your wife shows you by her actions, that she wants.
PS: on your wife's comment... she might just as easily have been fishing for a compliment. She MIGHT have been fishing for, "you're right, you are just irresistible!"
Dont just go with what has worked with other peoples' wives. Go with what works, for your wife
You might be right in that it could be time for you to stop daily pursuing. Consider that "not pursuing" is a lot different from "turning down a direct request for a foot rub", though. If you want some attention for yourself, you might want to instead counter with, "how about giving me one first?"
Last edited by Dom R; 03/13/0806:33 PM.
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
Thanks Dom...appreciate you looking in on my thread.
I am phoning today to schedule my next DB Coaching appointment. Hopefully I can get something tomorrow morning or afternoon.
W was more upbeat this morning than she was last night, but I have learned not to read too much into the daily mood swings and/or communications.
As long as it remains neutral with brief periods of forward movement, I am satisfied. She did ask to slow things down a few days ago, and the best way to do that is to reduce pursuing behavior to a minimum and let her take the lead.
If she is cool, be cool. If she is talking of 'our future', be receptive, but still cool.
I am pretty sure she will return, but certainly not because of anything I say or do. At this point it's more about what I don't do, I think!!
Hey MM you are my hero. every time i get down about mu sich ( whitch is every day lol) i read your threads and see theres hope. do me a favor and read my new stuff. my wife likes wine like you guys seem to and i need some info on what to do this upcpmmin weekend
Then yesterday I emailed her asking what time she was getting off work. So last night, she said to me (in a playful manner) "you can't go a day without contacting me, can you?" I said "Can too". Later, I thought about what she was really saying...she seems to see it as predictable and needy.
Maybe I was a little off base. She is being playful with this one and teasing me, but I am still not sure how to read her!
Today, I (unfortunately) HAD to email her because it was concerning something I needed her input on.
Here is the exchange:
Me: Have an appointment to go down and do the contract today after work, before dinner. Feedback?
W: Hi MM, It was so nice to get my daily e-mail from you :-P. Good work on the <deleted>. I will await your thoughts!
Me: Well since this is happening today, it’s only fair that you are looped in. :-P
W: teehee, couldn't resist!
Me: Just for that, no emails tomorrow. You might get a phone call in the evening if you behave. Now quit emailing me, I’m busy ;-)
I deflected her teasing with some humor of my own, which hopefully comes across as confidence. Her comments indicate that this isn't a huge deal, but it is something I need to park in the back corner of my mind.
I will find out tomorrow...I really will not email her tomorrow. I do need to call her in the evening to set up how we are meeting to go to yoga class together on Saturday morning (this was her 'reaching out' idea). Do we meet at our apartment? At the yoga studio? What time? But it will be a 5 min phone call.
I am going to a rock concert, at a casino, on Friday night, all by myself. She is still getting her head around that one...definitely not something I would ever do!! Plus, I did not invite her. All part of GAL for me. But it's still nice to see her surprised.
