UP, I am going to give you a piece of advice, tell her everything. She asks a question answer it, HONESTLY. I am speaking from experance on both sides of the fence. I just ended things with OM, and H had A a couple of years ago. When H had his I wanted to know everything, when I say everything, I mean everything. And H thought that he owed it to me to tell me what happened, how, where and all of that. It really helped me move though the process of starting to trust again. That is something if you are willing to stay and work on things you need to rebuild. Now that the shoe is on the other foot, I am the one having to answer those questions. just my two cents.
UP, I was in the same situation as you except on the other side - sounds like where your BS is. We got married because of a pregnancy (there was really no other reason but we were trying to do the right thing). I always looked in the mirror and told myself I loved him, but I wondered if we would have been together if it weren't for our son. I never said this out loud though. WE stayed faithful and had another kid at a good moment, but here it is 8 years later and I found out he cheated about 10 months ago. Still I wanted him to stay because of our kids, and because I felt like he owed it to us. He hasn't had contact with AP (I don't think, and I snoop!) but he seems the same as before - like he's not really into the marriage. I have to admit that I really wanted him to stay because I don't want to break up our family, but we always talk about whether we would have gotten married at all if it weren't for the kid. If I'm honest, I don't think I would have married him either. I'm truley shattered by the A but also not sure I can go on living with someone that I can't connect with. I know I would leave the minute our kids graduate. I am wondering if the affair is giving me a good reason to end it. I want my kids to grow up knowing what a loving relationship is. As it is, we're either silent or fighting, and he always seems distant. We even tried Retrouvaille and tho it was a great way to communicate without our normal screaming and for me to forgive the affair, we also realized that if we're honest, neither one of us has ever been "into" our relationship. Are we just each other's jail sentence. We're thinking of S now becaise not sure if either one has it in us anymore.
Anyway, speaking from a BS perspective, if you can really give her love, you should stay. Not just for the kids tho - I think other people have said this too. Obligation and love aren't the same and I think my kids - even tho at 8 and 6 they are pretty little still - can sense that there isn't love between us.
tornin2 Me, BS 32 Him WH 34 DS 8, DS 6 Trying R but not sure we're feeling it Thinking of S
I want my kids to grow up knowing what a loving relationship is.
Good luck! If that were so easy there wouldn't be so many divorces or relationship books out there. And chances of things working out well with a second (or third) marriage are even slimmer. Honestly, few divorced people I know are ever able to do that (at least for any length of time... those "love" feelings typically end when the good and bad stuff in a relationship start emerging... and they always do). Unfortunately, statistics are heavily against it.
Originally Posted By: tornin2
Anyway, speaking from a BS perspective, if you can really give her love, you should stay. Not just for the kids tho - I think other people have said this too. Obligation and love aren't the same and I think my kids - even tho at 8 and 6 they are pretty little still - can sense that there isn't love between us.
So what's this definition of love here? I'm not saying there aren't good reasons for a divorce. But oftentimes people think pretty negatively of their situation and later regret leaving it because the relationships they find end up being worse... and, not only that, they have to raise, or live with, someone else's kids (who hate them), and only visit their own children (who love them).
Is that gamble worth it?
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
