Michael - yes, we've both been doing a lot of reading and sharing of books. I think W's biggest issue is obsessing over the EA details, and needing constant assurances that I am not ready to give. I AM ready to give, and I DO give assurances around not repeating the EA- because at the end of the day this was the wrong way to deal with issues, and if need be, end the M. Having the affair was WRONG WRONG WRONG - i know this ethically and morally - but (and I only offer this sparingly because i understand some readers on this forum will have a hard time hearin this)- i do not regret or feel remorse to feel such love in my life - perhaps down the road I will come off this high (endorphin-related, according to many)- and determine that it was the worse kind of satanic temptation - a promise of happiness on this earth at the expense of hurting others, but for now it actually feels like Love. And I don't feel wrong for experiencing it.
saffie - thanks again for the insight.
I'm going to be off these boards for a while, but I really appreciate all of the insight and suggestions I've heard here. I wish all of you luck in finding and maintaining emotional stability and fulfillment in your lives.
UP
me-35 W34 D11,D8,S6 M12yrs EA 6/20-11/12/07 S 10/12-11/12/07 S2/7-present
Hmmm; strange. I could have sworn I replied to "UP" when he said that he was no longer "in love with" his wife with something like:
"Are you sure it's not just the well-publicized 're-writing of marital history'?? Have you sent any love letters/notes/cards to your wife in the past few years that would indicate that you were, in fact, 'in love' with her?"
I wouldn't worry about whether or not I felt guilt and what that means, or sad because I left the "love of my life" (OW)..... try to just worry about today and the friendship you are building or rebuilding with your wife. And creating a great family with your children and their mom.
I think you can be honest and tell your wife that your feelings are "unsettled." Tell her you know what's right and wrong and want to keep your family together, be with your kids and try to create a great family and a good marriage. Tell her you want to work on being a wonderful husband and father, and that's your goal. Tell her feelings take time to rebuild. Unfortunately, it may to be difficult to "love" your wife right now. She may be a little emotional for about a year or so. Even a short affair can take a good year or two to work though. The damage can be pretty heavy. Good luck to you. I think you are wise to want to stay with your family and raise your own children. I do admire people when they make that choise and I believe in the long run you will be most content with your family and your kids....
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
i tried that book -it was useful, but also glossed over the areas of "what is remorse? how do i know if I'm feeling it?" and "am I really committed? what does it mean to be committed?"
no one, and I mean, NO ONE has addressed these two topics in all of the literature I've seen on marriage, infidelity, and divorce.
Remorse is being sorry enough about what you've done, that you will never do it again. Because you understand in your gut and in your spirit, the pain that you have caused and because of that understanding, your infidelity has now crushed YOU.
That should also sum up your question as to what committment is.
