Out of the Blue?

[tomcat65]

thanks for talking to me ken.i see your fighting through this just the same as me.keeping your cool while you talk to her is like trying to hold back a tidal wave.but you seem to be doing good at this!Dont give up,Anything worth having is worth fighting for.Hope you feel better Tom

[kturnernc]

Thanks for the words of encouragement. I can keep my cool. I think mainly because we have not argued since this started. There is no overall animosity. As hard as it is to say, i just want the best for both of this. And am hoping that she realizes or decides that what is best with her is to be with me.

[smith18]

Pretty weird on the timing of her getting her own account and changing the locks, but that could be a natural panic reaction to what is going on in her confused mind.

Today is one month of your separation. You have a lot going for you. You have a good shared custody, she misses the kids when she does not have them, she has some remorse towards what she is doing to you and she has not given any reason why she is a WAW. Give this time. You are doing the right thing by detaching, planning for the worst and hoping for the best.

[kturnernc]

Thanks for the words Kerry. I do think that the timing of her actions was panic and probably the advice of all her 'supportive' friends.

Anyway, the update... This morning the wife came to pick up the kids early. Like almost 45 minutes early, so I was not ready for her. I had not showered and once I let her in I ran to get a shower and told her to feel free to grab a brownie i had made last night. Anyway, after she left, I realized that she was acting a bit nervous and left quickly. I also realized that I had left a book on the table and that it was moved from where i had left it. The book was Light Her Fire, about how to increase her desire for you. I hope that leaving the book out (which was an accident) did not make us back slide any.

Should I be worried about this? Or am I just being paranoid?

Oh, by the way, I have a therapist appointment today, which helped me in the beginning. She is still agreeing to meet jointly to work on things, but has made no move to contact him at all. I really don't want to keep pushing her on this because of her past. In a nutshell, she went to therapy in the past and has been on antidepressants for years. Currently I think she has stopped taking them, maybe for as long as the past 6 months or more. So everytime that we talk about this, she accuses me of thinking or suggesting she is the crazy one and needs help. So it is a sensitive subject.

PS: I do think she needs to see a therapist because she does need help.

[kturnernc]

Well I think that I may have back slid a little. I went to pick up the kids today from the W and got into a little bit of an argument. First a little back story on today's events...

I had a therapist appointment today. During the session he brought up a few points that I have only sort of thought about. The first point was what would I do if she wanted back and the second was how would I feel if she started dating someone. Well the dating kinda rubbed me raw a bit and understood that I would be upset so soon after we separated. Fast forward to me picking up the boys.

I walked in and noticed that she had her scrubs on (she is a nurse). I asked if she was going to work and her response was "yeah, I picked up a shift because I did not have the kids and I did not have a date". Well after the session earlier, I was a bit upset. So I responded that dating was something that we had to talk about. Then I left the room to get the kids ready. Well we started talking about it and she was hot. Accusing me of wanting to date and telling me that she was offended that I thought that she was a slut. That she did not want to date and that she would never bring anyone around the house. I was floored! I did not mean any of that at all. So I apologized that the context got out of whack and that was not what I meant. Anyway, after a few minutes I hurried up and left with the kids.

After I left, I felt bad that I had hurt her, so I emailed her and told her I was sorry again, and that I had not meant to upset her. That I had spoken about it in session and it was on my mind.

Was this a bad thing? How bad did i screw up? I had not mentioned anything for the past week or so at all!! DAMMIT!

[tomcat65]

You didnt screw up at all!Keep your cool.Your just human,Dont for get this is still pretty much brand new to you.Lots of emotions.If thats the first time you screwed up,you are way ahead of the game.Hang in there.youll be fine just screw your head back on.Were all here with you!!!You just got caught off guard,thats all.

[kturnernc]

Well she responded to the email saying that she does not mind if I started dating. And that I deserve to be happy. What!?!? I have never stated or hinted that I ever wanted anyone but her. I do not want to date at all.

I emailed her back telling her that i had no desire to date and that I made a choice years ago, that it sucks that we are having to go through this crisis apart, but that ultimately i want whatever will make her happy and that i hope she understands that i will always be there for her if she needs me. I did not mention anything about love or getting back together.

Normally, I would not respond, but since she is very hesitent about communicating in person, I am figuring that she will feel more comfortable doing it via email. After this last one, I am going to pull back a bit more.

Today just has not been going well. It is cold and dreary outside, the 2 year old is sick and has been crying all morning, and then the email from her. I am going to go and try to relax.

[kturnernc]

OK, a quick update. I have to take the oldest son tonight to a Cub Scout function tonight. The WAW will be there. We have been friendly but I have just found out that someone she knows is fixing her up and she has been contacted for a date. I do not know how I will be able to make it through tonight. I am extremely upset right now and am trying to calm down before we get ready to go.

This is definately a low point in the progress that I have been making. I do not know how I will make it through this.

[addie]

You have to remain calm. Do not show her that you are upset no matter how upset you really are. Prepare yourself mentally beforehand - think about how you should react when you see her and rehearse that in your mind. Release some of the anger before you see her tonight. Unfortunately, you can't control how she spends her time. She already knows you want to work on your M. Showing her that you're upset will only place more pressure on her and may push her further away. Remain calm, friendly but detached.

[kturnernc]

I am going to try hardest. But as mentioned, right now I am seriously freaking out. I am extremely jealous (of course) and hurt considering that it was just yesterday that she told me she had no desire at all to be dating. It makes me wonder now how many other things she has said that I took as truth. This is going to be extremely difficult for me to remain calm and friendly.