I responded back wishing him Happy Anniversary and thanking him for the note. I told him I also had an anniversary. He responded back with a "Happy Anniversary" wish and stated that I should be so proud of myself for having come out of these past 7 tough years.
I have been feeling grateful for last Monday's interaction. I remember that he called me endearments a few times. He asked about my friends (one by one) and also my sisters. It really was a very comfortable interaction, and I am thankful for that.
I am going to send him an email tomorrow about the long overdue bills. I am praying that he will take the information well. I am nervous about it.
I have so much to tell him this week, and need to space it out, if possible: 1) our puppy's 1st anniversary of passing away - this Fri 2) ask him if he's interested in watching our dog during my vacation, AND taking her to hydrotherapy. He's never seen her at the pool so it'd be nice for him to do that, I think. It would be so much better for the dog to be with him than at the kennel - because she has arthritis and the kennel floor would be too hard, and cold (this time of year). 3) this Fri, there will be waltz class at the dance studio, and I am contemplating inviting him. I am nervous about asking him (for fear of getting hurt if he turns me down). He has asked me about my dancing a few times (Nov, and last Monday) 4) the bills
I just emailed my H some financial information. It's a relief because I kept this to myself since Oct 2006. It came with a cost because I paid for his expenses all this time. So I hope he receives the information positively and appreciates that I took care of it without making a deal of it. I am not making a deal of it now either. I think my email is kind and considerate. So I am leaving this to God now.
The other stuff on my list for this week will jsut have to wait....
Sounds like you are having some great interactions and the talking is getting easier.
It all takes time. At least things seem to be moving in a positive direction.
The Bomb: 08/05 H moves out: 06/2006 H moves back: 01/07 & Out again: 01/07 H moves back: 03/08 & Out again: 04/08 H moves back: 05/09 & Out again: 07/09 Divorced 08-12 Kids: 22, 20, 19
Steelers, MMF, Thanks for the encouragement. He did respond back pretty nicely. Here's his email response: Thank you for putting this together. I appreciate you keeping the boys and I on your insurance. I do not fully understand the breakdown and labeling. I have no doubt that you are being as honest as possible.
I think we will have to meet face to face and go over this so I can understand the breakdown a bit better.
Remember that for about 6 months I think about Dec or Jan until I moved out, I was paying all of the bills (both your share and mine) and you were paying off the mortgage very fast. We could tell exactly which months by going back to the mortgage payments and see when they jumped up. We need to figure out that amount also.
Once again, thanks for your work in organizing this, and I am sure we can come close on agreeing what we owe each other.
What does that mean, he was paying all of the bills so he feels that it is/was okay if you paid on the health insurance?
Whatever he means, be calm and explain.
The Bomb: 08/05 H moves out: 06/2006 H moves back: 01/07 & Out again: 01/07 H moves back: 03/08 & Out again: 04/08 H moves back: 05/09 & Out again: 07/09 Divorced 08-12 Kids: 22, 20, 19
Steelers, I don't know what he meant. The spreadsheet showed everything (from Dec-June 2006), the amounts he paid for the bills and the amounts I paid. I tried to be as clear as possible. Maybe the large balance made him so nervous that it was hard for him to accept. Plus he may have thought he paid much more than he did.
I still have not responded. I think this "face-to-face" will either make or break the M. I am confident we will work it out. I see this issue as our opportunity to show each other that we can make it, with God's help.
Yes, thanks - I will be calm when explaining. Just need to remember all the details for him.
PH, it is a tough situation to have to face in the best of circumstances. Finances is difficult to discuss between spouses even on good terms. I would say that you do not have to "agree" with anything that you do not feel confident with. You can take what he believes to be accurate and reconcile it against any receipts, check stubs, etc.
Chances are that he will be trying to be honest with you but it will be his perception of the finances as he sees them. Try to keep it as non-personal as you can.
And remember, God is the one that is in control in this. Be on His side while you are discussing this and you will be fine.
Me:56, W:51 D:26,S:24,S:22 Married:18 Bomb 9/27/06 Separated 11/27/06 Divorced 10/6/08 Leaving it up to God
PH Thanks for the information on that book I will get it I like your positive attitude that will take you far hope the face to face interaction goes well peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
MMF, Thanks for your insightful thoughts. I agree that finances is often a difficult topic to discuss. It was always tough for us, for sure. It's alos related to baggage from his 1st M where he felt that his xW ripped him off. I think he always worried about money and his parents have often helped him out with this and that through their generosity. SOmetimes, I think he's been spoilt by his parents generosity and sometimes I feel that he expects me to bail him out. I have paid for some big items just because he says it's not what he wants so if I want it I have to pay, e.g. expenses related to starting a family. I guess sometimes I questioned his love for me. Sometimes, things like these, makes me wonder if his efforts towards the M (before the separation) was to win my love rather than to show me true love.
Since the separation, I have been trying my best to give him the benefit of the doubt. Now, I am trying to trust God to change my H, for him to take ownership of his circumstances instead of blaming his "misfortunes" or his unhappiness on me or on God.
Quote:
Chances are that he will be trying to be honest with you but it will be his perception of the finances as he sees them. Try to keep it as non-personal as you can.
Well said. Yes, I have to try to keep this non-personal. This is challenging for me.
I think you'll appreciate this story: Tonight, I had a pretty horrible experience. After my dog's hydrotherapy, I put her in the car. AFter I shut the car door, I realized that the door locked (without me locking it). Not sure how it happened. My door locks have been playing up lately. Anyway, my purse and spare key and cell phone were also inside the car. The pool owner spent the next 2 hours trying to locate a locksmith. In the meantime, a cop came out to help, to no avail. SO my poor dog was freezing inside the cold, cold car with her WET fur. Finally, the locksmith showed up (2.5 hours later), and after $180, got the door unlocked. My poor dog was literally frozen. Her ears were hard from, and there was ice all over her fur. Poor baby! I think I will need to wear a necklace with my car key on it. I just got home!!!
