She's gone...I'm devastated, but hopeful - Part 2

[minkerman]

Truthfully MM, it almost seems like you're a plant from DB to be a success story. :-D

Now THAT'S funny! I only wish that it were true, then I wouldn't have had to go through all the pain. I wouldn't have wished that on anybody.

LN, when I have a bit of time (I'm at work right now), I will indeed post what we have talked about...hopefully it can help you and others.

Last night was like a dream...2 weeks ago, we were so far gone, and she is now coming back. I got quite a few ILY's, and yesterday in an email she ended it with xoxox...a first since October.

We are both feeling good about our future, and at the end of March when we move back in together, we will truly start piecing.

I look forward to switching forums

[Broken Tree]

MM I want to be like you man!

[fish]

Nice work Mink!

I am trying to get to where you are right now. My W and I have been doing a lot of texting over the past few days.

Agreed to dinner, then 3 day weekend, then she back off 3 day weekend and we are back to dinner next Thursday.

I need to let her drive the train but it is very tough for me. I am a take charge kind of guy.

[minkerman]

When you feel like building on the positive moments, ask yourself "is what I am about to do going to bring us closer together, or push us further apart?"

This really helped me...whenever she pulled back, it was because I just HAD to send that last email, or make that last phone call, even though my conscience was telling me to let it hang, and leave her wanting more.

If she initially agreed to the weekend, then backed off, I'm thinking it's because she felt pressured; either by you suggesting the weekend, or something you said about it afterward. She may not feel you're ready for that step yet, and it is a big one.

My W is coming over to my (our) place for the weekend...so this is a big one for us, spending the weekend together. I will play it cool and make sure she feels no pressure at all. So far I think she is feeling comfortable...so I'm going to "stick with what is working" for us.

I'm by no means an expert, just saying what worked for me.

[Broken Tree]

MM,

Stick with what works. I just had a great convo with my W best friend and it made me feel really good. For now, That works for me. Little steps.

BT

[minkerman]

This is in response to LoginName's request for what was off-kilter in our marriage.

On the surface, it doesn't seem like much. In fact, when we reunite, I'm sure we will seem exactly the same to our family and friends. But to her, it was plenty.

Back when I had the affair, and we recommitted to each other, we did a bit of counseling, not much, maybe 4-5 sessions. We thought we had gotten to the bottom of the issues and could move forward. Not so. The counseling focused on issues that we now know to be not-so-relevant to our sitch at the time.

Anyway, my issues were actually all around low self-esteem, feeling unworthy of love, and treating my W as a mother figure, which I lacked in my life. In addition, over the years, my passion for life and living dwindled to the point where I was a boring, uninteresting bump on a log, and I dragged her down with me.

Many times, my bride told me she didn't like our life and that she was unhappy. I didn't want to talk about it, I was complacent.

After she left and I realized all my issues and where they came from (very painful BTW) I got to work. I realized I had to find how I had lost the 'authentic' me. I have done that, I have rediscovered my passion, and I am challenging myself like never before.

What got her attention and changed her thinking?

- I had sent her emails describing intense interactions at work. This was a change - recently, when she had asked me 'how was work', I just said "fine".
- I didn't purposely do this, it was quite innocent.
- She saw these interactions as being indicative of my reignited passion. This made me attractive to her. That was the day she decided to accompany me to the wine-tasting event.
- That night she invited me up, we ML, I stayed the night. No ILY's, just mindblowing sex, the first for both of us in 2 months.
- The big breakthrough came the night before valentines day. We were having a glass of wine and just talking...I told her that the biggest change for me came when I suddenly realized I didn't need her in order to go forward or be happy. I wanted her, but didn't need her.
- She was blown away. That's when we both realized that she was no longer a mother figure to me...she was my lover, whom I was passionate about.
- This also indicated that I was strong, not needy. I said it to her with confidence and conviction.
- Another big one was when she brought up that we may be moving too fast toward reconciliation...I said, yeah, I think that way too sometimes...and we proceeded to have a great convo about it. HUGE 180 for me, she had never seen this side of me.

So that's pretty much it. Subtle changes in me that made her shift her thinking. She now thinks we will be able to pick up the pieces and move forward together, based on these changes.

I thought it was MLC, and all about her. Nope.

She was actually just bored stiff in our marriage, and that part was all about me. I made the changes in my thinking, awareness, communication style and actions, and she decided to give us another shot.

Does that help explain it?

[Purr]

MMan,

Read the latest on your thread...wow, congrats! This is really great news, and it's not just a day of good news; seems like from everything you've been relaying, things are really looking up. That's so great that she has been testing out the waters because it speaks to a greater seriousness on her part. Excellent also the part of her being with you at your (your) place together.

I identify with your most recent post about becoming a bloody boring lump on a log. I think that's an important part of what has (not) gone on for me. Hmm. I will have to think about this, but it further motivates me on my own pursuit of GAL. I know my W has her own share of stuff, but your story helps give me a bit more of the much needed courage to keep working on making a stronger, more rounded me.

I smiled when I was reading your news, Minkerman. It's great to hear of this kind of a story in the midst of so much other hurt, pain, and confusion.

Best,

Purr

[Broken Tree]

Keep working Mink and Purr. Stay on track!

[SirPrizeMe]

BT - your thread locked!!

[minkerman]

Quoted from my own post, a couple days back.....

My W is coming over to my (our) place for the weekend...so this is a big one for us, spending the weekend together. I will play it cool and make sure she feels no pressure at all. So far I think she is feeling comfortable...so I'm going to "stick with what is working" for us.

She left about 30 minutes ago (5pm Sunday evening). I'll give a play-by-play of what happened.

The last night I slept with my wife in 'our' bed was Dec 28th. She has visited the apartment twice since we separated, and we have not had any pajama parties here We have been sleeping together over the past 10 days, at her place.

Anyway.

She texted me at 10am Saturday morning "I'm on my way". I went out and bought 2 bottles of wine and a red rose, which I placed in a vase on the coffee table in the livingroom. She arrived with a big smile and a hug and kiss. I was relieved to see that she didn't have second thoughts on staying over, since she brought her overnight bag. She told me right away that she felt "weirded out" by by coming here, but she was going to work through it.

We talked for a while and decided to go out for lunch, to our favorite burger joint. On the way she said "I'm going to be totally honest with you - I feel that we might be moving a bit too fast in this". I said "OK, let's talk about it" (big 180 for me). Over lunch I found that she felt she was being drawn back into the relationship, and being expected to commit, when she still felt she hadn't explored herself fully by living on her own. I reminded her that it was HER that started the dialog that brought us back together, and it was HER who had reached out every time we had gotten together over the past week. I suggested that perhaps she felt subconsciously that we should recommit, and that maybe she should listen to her gut feeling. I said it in a gentle way, while holding her hand across the table. She said - "yeah, maybe you're right, I do tend to overthink things, especially after you have left. When you're here it feels so right, but when you go, I start questioning. I'm just scared, since this is a total turnaround for me from 2 weeks ago."

I totally get that - but I never realized how firmly set she was that she was moving on alone. She said she had left the door cracked open, but it was closing, not opening.

Anyway, we came back to the apartment after lunch and started working on a presentation she has to do at work on Tuesday. She had asked for my help, and I am happy to do it, since this is my strength. We worked hard on it, brainstormed like crazy, and came up with a great presentation...4 hours' work! She really appreciated my help and told me so.

The next couple of hours, we got into more R talk, and it was good. We talked about the things that both of us were scared about, and possible pitfalls of reuniting. There were very few we could come up with!

Then I ordered chinese food, and we had an awesome meal and cracked the 1st bottle of wine. More talk. In fact, we got into the 2nd bottle and almost finished it before heading to bed.

She was a little apprehensive about sleeping in our bed again, because she was in such a bad place emotionally the last time she slept there. She was sure she would wake up at 2am like she used to do when she was upset, and that scared her.

I lit a bunch of candles, we went to bed and made love like two old pros. Over an hour, a solid 10/10 for both of us. We went to sleep.

We both woke up at 2:15...arrgghh! Anyway, we took a different approach and ML again. That tuckered us out, and we woke again at 7am, with the sun shining right on our faces. Nice! What a good sleep.

While she showered, I cooked her breakfast. We had a wonderful morning, and she said she was feeling far more comfortable with how we were doing, and that her fears were starting to reduce. She is seeing the changes in me and liking them a lot. I said "the only reason you are seeing me like this is because we are spending time together". She agreed.

We went out to a pub for lunch, and talked some more (we have NEVER talked this much) and realized that our hopes and dreams for the future were the same.

She asked me to tell her why I had such a positive outlook for us. I said:
- we are very attracted to each other
- we want the same things out of life
- we love each other
- more importantly, we LIKE each other
- we communicate on a soulful level
- we have a lot of fun together
- I have made serious changes

I asked her the same thing. She said "I can't add anything to that - I agree with all of it".

I asked her if she felt pressured when I said "I love you". She said no, I like it. I get about a 50% return on it, that's why I asked. She does say it to me, unprompted, sometimes.

We came back to the apartment, gathered her stuff and we walked to her car. I told her that this time I wasn't sad that she was leaving, because I knew that we were going to go forward together, and that I would be patient with her. She said, "I know I am a handful, and I appreciate the patience". We kissed, and she left.

I never could have pictured us at this point two weeks ago, but here we are. Everyone's support here has been fantastic, and the DB process is a good one.