She's gone...I'm devastated, but hopeful - Part 2

[minkerman]

Journaling:

Just a few pointers on DB'ing in my set of circumstances, especially through the darkest days.

- I had to feel out the "situation of the day" and modify my approach to suit it.
- there is no one-size-fits-all.
- some days I had to stay dim, other days I was able to talk or email multiple times, and she was responsive.
- usually, when we had been very close or very affectionate, she was distant or cool the next day. When this started to change, I felt we had made progress.
- I firmly believe that if I had "gone dark", I would have lost her...I had to keep that thread of a connection going.
- I did do some LRT, and that helped.
- I felt that when I pushed her or talked about our future early in the separation, she would pull back and get cool...sometimes I just couldn't help myself.
- she said that when we talked about OR, she felt that I was lecturing her. I learned from this.

It isn't over yet by any stretch - we are still living in separate houses. I just want to tell folks what has worked well for us so far.

I'm going to be 50 in 4 months, and I feel like I am 15 again!

BREAKING NEWS: I just got off the phone after a 30 minute convo with W. She said she told her mom that we were picking up the pieces to try again, and that her mom was happy for us. What a huge positive that was, to hear her say that!

[whatisis]

That's great news, Minkerman. Yahoo !!!!
Now, remember the rollercoaster is still on the tracks, there will still be ups and downs, and those freakin' downs are still gonna hurt, it's still a long ride to go but, that said, you feel that good feeling NOW and enjoy this huge upswing! We're all rootin' for ya.

[minkerman]

Thank you, my man!

[cw68]

From someone who just entered the separation phase, your positive story gives me hope and pointers. Congratulations to you both.

[minkerman]

Thank you cw68...good luck to both of you.

[LoginName]

MM,
Things are going well, aren't they?

Some possible dangers yet to watch out for (you might not run into these, you might find totally new ones)
- Resentment. You may feel like you did all this work,suffered so much, tried so hard, that you deserve something. You may resent your W for putting your through this, needlessly (seemingly) and you may resent her for not honoring you enough for all the hard work you did.
- Regret. Regret that all the opportunities you may have seen opening up to you through your GALing maybe left behind when you are back with your W. Don't you want to take the new you out for a spin?
- Fear, that she could do it again, that the real issues haven't been fixed, addressed, that she won't communicate when she's unhappy and you'll be hit again.

Some ways of dealing with these things: Remember, she has been working hard during this time too, very hard, maybe harder than you. She has many fears too, among them, what if you don't forgive her?

I think your tips are really good. Every sitch is different. Going Dark, too much, isnt' right for everty sitch. Some generalities still apply though
- pushing about the R almost always pushes them away.
- GAL, positive attitude, is important to bust the D, and everyday, in a good relationship too.

Did you take the antidepressants?

My W and d12 are flying in this coming weekend. We're going to have a great time. I was able to get reservations at one of the best restaurants in town (in the country, I think) because my best friend is head waiter there. MM, It sounds like you like food and wine, so I thought you'd appreciate this. The restaurant is Fruition, you can check it out here if you're interested http://www.fruitionrestaurant.com/ I'm a little nervous and excited. I'm 46 and feel like a teenager on a date too. Got to get a haircut, clean up the house, etc. This will be a much better valentine's day than last year.

[sgctxok]

^

[minkerman]

Thanks for the advice, LN, I appreciate it a lot.

Today she was home sick with a cold, so I called her to ask how she was feeling. During the conversation, she asked "so what is going to be different this time after we get back together?" She kind of took me aback with that one!

So I went over the changes we have both made, how we are both so much better communicators than we were before, how we are obviously physically attracted to each other, and how we now understand why we have made the mistakes we have made. She agreed that those were all pretty positive changes, she was just wondering. Hmmm.

But then a major (to me) positive happened. I was driving home from work, and she called me. Out of the blue. No reason for the call, other than to just chat. So we kept it light, lots of laughter, and she said to enjoy my yoga class.

Felt pretty good after that.

Upon reflection, I guess it's good that she's asking questions...she wants to be sure as to what she's coming back to...and so do I! She is testing the waters, and although it makes me nervous, I think I get it.

Just a little dip on the rollercoaster, LN!

I am so incredibly committed to doing what I need to do, and should have always been doing, to make my marriage work. Once we reunite, I expect no less from her.

So, we were going to go to a hockey game on valentine's day. Now that she isn't feeling so good, I said I would come to her place and cook her a wonderful dinner. She said "dinner sounds nice". So we shall see. Wish Minkerman luck!!!

[minkerman]

I have worked hard to give my W the space she craved, and it has paid off. Last night she called me as I was driving home and said, why don't we go out for sushi? I picked her up, we went to our favorite sushi bar, and then as I was driving her home she asked if I was coming up.

We ended up in about 3 hours of R talk...sure, it may seem non-DB, but in our sitch, the time was right.

We had a breakthrough in understanding how we both feel about ourselves and each other, and what has driven our changes.

We spent the night together, and this morning, she woke me up with a soft kiss and said "happy valentine's day". As we drove to work, she said she feels really good about where we are headed, and I said I feel confident that we are going to make it.

We are having dinner tonight for Valentines Day, and she is coming to "my place" (actually our place) Saturday night.

She told me a little while ago that she was 90% out the door, and couldn't imagine us together after what we had been through. Now she is committing to working on the marriage with me. All of the reaching out came from her.

It does happen, and I am so thankful for DB, DR, and the support I have received from this board.

It's still one day at a time, but now we have a goal to work toward. Happy Valentine's Day? YEAH IT IS!

[LoginName]

sounds really great MM,
And R talks are definitely OK is she starts it and the time is right.
You are really peicing now.

If you have the time though, I'd be interested in what you and she talked about. I'm asking for selfish reasons. I have ideas of what was wrong with my M, but I'm not sure. I feel like I might be missing something important. How can things be so good now with my W when in October I was ready to say I didn't care if we stayed married or not.

I'm curious about your sitch too. What do you feel the problem was?

Truthfully MM, it almost seems like you're a plant from DB to be a success story. :-D

I'm sure it wasn't easy though.

Happy valentine's day