partner left after 9 years - MLC or just IDLYA?

[AliSuddenly]

OK...a glimmer of hope !!!! Maybe DB is having some effect on him !? (It has on me, I got a few jobs after he left at last and am doing things I always wanted to do, like taking astrology readings now...etc) I must be careful not to get too excited, but contrary to my worries, he replied again! And this time at 10 am !

Apart from moaning about his guts again (!) he said...

"Leg is getting better but now my neck hurts too! You working tommorow?"

Ahhha ! Is that an invitation to meet? Or perhaps he just wants to know if its ok to call me tommorow (about the mortgage I guess). Damn, wish I'd dyed my hair afterall now !

Really mustnt get too excited, like I said a minute ago, my aim is to stay friends and not lose contact, and thats as far as I can see at the moment. But so far since he moved back down here, we've slowly got into having daily contact, as minimal as it is, which I wasnt expecting. Thats amazing !

Really need to calm down..he could just be feeling a bit more chatty as he is home injured and alone in his poxy flat. :-)

I guess I need to reply to this and my feeling is to not leave it until this evening as I have done pervious nights, but reply in a couple of hours with a sorry about the neck thing and no not working tommorow, got a day off (which is true luckily). And not say, why? But leave it up to him to respond...?

[Virtually_Handsome]

It's too early for me to type a lot...but I would say that he sked a reasonable question, answer, with no why.

[AliSuddenly]

Thanks Jeff! I was just talking to my best friend about all this, and she got quite annoyed, for which she apologised, but she doesnt agree with it at all. She thinks I should just cut off contact, until he may be ready to be friends as any of this is all a waste of time and is just "prolonging the agony". She said, why are you waiting around, hes already made it clear its over and moved out, he doesnt want you in his life anymore, all this is a waste of time. You're just setting yuorself up for a fall and its really painful to see you go through it, up and down like this, and I think you should protect yourself and have no contact with him"

I managed to reassure her that I am of sane mind and I realise that this isnt the usual reaction maybe (most people say they would have told him to F off! She even said that when he told me IDLYA, she would've "ripped his head off and chucked him out there and then"). I told her I am taking a stand to wait and see whilst bearing in mind that nothing may ever change and this really is it, but I wanted to be compassionate and not get angry at him. It was a difficult conversation for me, as she is my best friend and she made me feel wobbly about my stance. But I told her, I realise it is a roller-coaster and I am choosing to stay on for now... I think others here have said they're friends reacted like this too. It is a bit difficult.

Havent replied yet, will send him one back shortly and see what happens...
Ali

[ba065]

Ali:

I believe the friendship can come in time...you were friends first and you can be friends in the end no matter what the outcome. My parents D when I was 13....they are better friends now than ever. They both remarried and meet each other for dinner out when my dad visits the town my mom lives in. This has been great for my kids...graduations, birthdays, etc. we can all celebrate together and everyone gets along.

BA

[AliSuddenly]

Thanks BA! I would hope so too, although having no children makes it less likely of staying in touch, but we were friends for 3 years before we got together, so yes, I would hope we could be. Although, quite honestly, I hope we can get back together one day, but I feel that there is only the slimmest of slim possibilities of that. But then, none of us have crysal balls!?

Ali

[AliSuddenly]

I keep posting but things keep happening! He has texted me back! Again! He wants to come over! Ok...dont get excited. He made another jokey text about his injuries and said "I was thinking of coming over tommorow, if thats ok?"

Does he expect me to say no!? I know in DBing, yuo should turn down some invites, but I wont say no to this. I assume its about the mortgage..but...he could just have phoned about that, so its a slightly positive sign?

Also...got a text before his, out the blue, from his best friends wife, saying, sorry not been in touch, hope you okish, call you tommorow... So thats interesting and I think means one of two things. Either..my BF has been home all week a bit depressed, whingeing on the phone to his best mate, or, he is seeing an OW and has confided to his best friend, and his wife is checking on me, in case I am upset. I did think, perhaps he has been softening me up with the texts this week to then tell me that hes with someone. But it could be the opposite, that hes been a bit lonesome off work in his flat...

So, OH MY GOD! Got to get my brain around seeing him tommorow! Really not sure how to behave, but I have a feeling I should hide my emotions and just be friendly but act as if ?? It does seem so dishonest though, and I worry that he will just think I am fine and ok with it being over and go away relieved that I have moved on, as he has? I would definetly be as if, and distant if there had been an OW, but if there isnt, I dont want to be TOO distant and cool?? I dont know, just be brave I guess. I did treat myself to some new clothes today, which is handy!

Any advice about this meeting tommorow would be very very gratefully received. You were all so brilliant helping me through the last meeting, when he collected his stuff, this one feels like another important milestone, and I dont know yet WHY he wants to come over (could be for a number of reasons).

Ali x

[Virtually_Handsome]

He is making the connection, so roll with it. Behave like a strong, independent, attractive woman... kind of like Ali! Make sure you don't do ant begging, or pleading, or ant of that, I know you won't. Lok good, expect nothing. I think that since he is initiating, you can mirror his behaviour (help him, he typed English!) If he is friendly, go with it, if he is distant, go with it.

I think there is still a connection here, Ali, try to let it grow, but don't try to rush it!

[MichelleLT]

This is another opportunity to DB. Be grateful you have it and take advantage of it.

Plan to be friendly and cool and look good. If he wants to chat or whatever do it. If he doesn't be fine with that. If you feel yourself getting upset, take a break or tell him you have plans and need to go. Better yet, make plans so you have something else to look forward to - either another great thing to top off the day or a pick me up if you are feeling down. Hang in there, you are doing great!

[transformer]

I was just talking to my best friend about all this, and she got quite annoyed, for which she apologised, but she doesnt agree with it at all. She thinks I should just cut off contact, until he may be ready to be friends as any of this is all a waste of time and is just "prolonging the agony".

Ali!! I had a very similar experience last night with one of my best friends. She wants me to contact my B. Different advice but same scenario--friend tries to advise and doesn't really "get" the db'ing. I tried to explain to her that he's not going to tell me anything I want to hear until he's good and ready and if I reach out and push him, especially when I am needy and hurting, he will just withdraw further. It was a really difficult conversation because I felt like I needed support, but then, when I reached for it, I didn't really get it.

What I think it comes down to is:
Trust YOURSELF. I had to stop asking everyone else for advice. I can't expect others to have the DB mindset unless they have the DB mindset. No matter how much they love you, they won't necessarily understand.

Elsewhere on the site someone wrote:
Do not ask friends for advice unless they saved their own M from crisis.

This is one of the most helpful things I ever read....

To change the subject, I also have been thinking a lot about your doubts. I know you have a lot of doubts. And I remember a while ago you wrote that you didn't understand where everyone's faith comes from. But ... can you have faith in yourself?

Would you believe that you can, babystep by babystep, learn a new way to relate?
Would you believe that you can, babystep by babystep, become a more compassionate person?
Would you believe that you have the capacity to be a more joyful and fulfilled human being, step by step?
Would you believe that you can learn and grow from all of the things you're realizing now?
Would you believe you can create a new life for yourself, full of love and sustenance, just for Ali?
Would you believe that these new skills and your rediscovery of your own true nature as a joyful and fulfilled woman might make you more attractive and create the potential for a new dynamic in a new R?
Would you believe there is a chance that this would entice your beloved to come closer, and possibly even, ever so slowly, while you are ever so patient, open his arms and his heart to you again?
Would you believe this is possible?
Then believe it Ali... believe in yourself. Believe in your capacity to grow and transform. Believe. You are the one who has the power.

We don't know what will happen. That is OK. Either way we will be fine. But if we accept this challenge, we can really, really, really grow.

Also... did you get my email ? Thank you SO MUCH for the charts. It is such a beautiful gift! Read my email, I won't say all the same things again here.

As for tomorrow:

Look Good, and different! (I saw you already got new clothes!)
Stay Cool.
If you start to freak out, excuse yourself and regain your composure.
Act like you would with a really good friend.
Be the first to leave/end the time together.
Don't press for R information... keep the conversation lighthearted and fun.
If he starts to bring up R talk, take it slow slow slow. Listen and validate. If you aren't sure how to respond you do not need to respond in that moment. You can always just validate and respond later.
If for some reason he brings up stuff you don't want to hear, stay cool and don't lash out.

My backup plan for any stressful interaction I don't feel prepared for (and honestly, this is like months in the future as I am still dark) is:
It's better not to say anything at all than something I will regret later!

Most of all:
ACT AS IF you're happy and confident !!

I hope this helps... thank you for helping me! We can pull each other up!!

((HUGS))
T

[Essie]

Yay Ali!! You sound really good!!! So happy for you! I'm really glad that you are getting a bit more clarity, it sounds like you are accepting things and detaching.

Now you mustn't get too excited for tomorrow. Prepare for the absolute worst - that he wants to separate all your finances, and that he has moved in with a beautiful OW. And then look and see that even if its the worst you will still be OK. You really will be OK Ali. Look and see if you will be OK or not.

Yep then you have to play the game....
Acting as if he is the one missing out on you. And really he is!!! Look at you - doing paid astrology readings, new clothes, planning trips to Berlin, and all this personal development! You are fantastic..... and all you are missing out on is a guy living in a dingy flat, who is having trouble with his bowel movements! Ha ha!!

Yes you are right - I'm definitely aiming for the friendship with H. And the great thing about that is, if I can be friends with him it means that I've detached - that the choices he has made to leave me etc, are OK, and I support them because I want him to be happy. Friendship with H is what will make ME happy - I dont want to bitter, or angry, or feeling sorry for myself.

Your not aiming for distant and cool. You are aiming for mysterious and intriguing. You are aiming for the attitude that says "I'm great, and my life is good, and it must suck to be you missing out on me". You are aiming to show him that you are centered - you are happy in the midst of this chaos that he has created. That centeredness and joy from within is so attractive - that is the thing that is going to draw him back to you. And you are aiming to create a 'safe' place for him to come - somewhere he can be himself, and open up to you without you becoming a hysterical needing crying mess. Try and think of this meeting as building a tiny bridge for him to come back to you.

Please be ready for disappointment..... after he visits he is going to leave. He may look like he hasn't missed you or doesn't care about you in the slightest. (I dont believe that could be true for a minute, but he might give that impression to protect himself). Please be ready to adjust your waiting time - this meeting isnt going to be a joyous reunion. Its just going to be a little bridge. If you want to wait for him, you have to be prepared that you are looking at months if not years of patience....

Can you get your hair dyed between now and then? Either way I know you will look fabulous, and you are going to be great - you have come a long way in just a week, so he is going to notice.

Thinking of you!!!