Wife has filed, what do I do ?

[christarn]

Mike...that is so cool about Dr. Phil's people actually getting back to you! Have you read any of his stuff? I have read a couple of his books...good stuff! The idea of the pic. frame you got for your wife was way cool!! Glad you're doing well! take care, Christa

PS keep us posted about the dr phil stuff!!

[fooled again]

Hi Mike,

I see your point about your W sleeping all the time. I guess she kindof checked out of your M awhile ago, by taking this job she ensured that there wasn't much you could do, seeing as you couldn't even talk to her most days. It further confirms the notion that alot of this really is all about the S, they have to deal with it and find their own way out. Whatever we do to help or affect them is like spinning our wheels. Which leads back to GALing. All DB roads seem to lead back to GALing.

I'm not sure if it was an MLC that led to my H having his A - though I do recognize and accept partial responsibility for the issues in our M that made the choice easier for my H. We had stopped communicating in any meaningful way. He lived his life, work, travel for work, socializing w/ coworkers & clients, sports. I had my life which revolved around my D (I was a SAHM). The only interaction we had was in our home and mainly concerned our D and a couple of mutual friends. We never went out on dates, tho we did ML once every couple of wks.

But I think it was his travel that killed us - I resented him for being away so much so I shut down and when he came home I punished him by withdrawing my affection. I have to admit that I was close to being a WAW; it's taken me awhile but I see that now. He was away and lonely, so he started going out when he was on the road, stopped calling home, which made me more angry. When he was home, we were like roommates, and I was critical of him and he of me.

And now... My GALing is about fitness, friends and my interests. Oh and we are getting a dog - that will add a fun distraction to my life and my D's.

I'm happy to hear you are doing so well with getting back into fighting shape after your surgery. The body & mind are so inter-connected - you need to be strong physically to be strong mentally & emotionally. It's the only way I would have survived the last 1.5 years with my sanity.

Digital picture frame is a great idea for a gift. Maybe you're right and it will spark some good memories, let her see that her life hasn't been all bad. When you're depressed, you have such tunnel vision - all you see is negativity. It may not sink in right away, but it might get her mind going. You should switch pictures every now and again (does yours have a memory card you can swap out?). Then she may get curious as to what you'll put on it next - maybe pictures of places she's wanted to go, or works of art she likes, old, old family pics of her growing up, you know what I mean?

With the Dr. Phil thing, does that mean you'd go on TV about your sitch? Wow, I could NEVER do that - I'm way too private. But I have watched some of his shows, and he seems to have some pretty good advice about M's. Good luck w/ that & let me know if you get on so I can tape it.

So many people have recommended Retrouvaille. My H and I were raised Catholic so the religion thing wouldn't bug us. The thing is that my H is very, very private about his dirty laundry and he has always maintained that we can fix our own problems. I would really like to find a way to get him to go with me to something like this, but I don't know how. Maybe my detaching and forcing him to choose to approach me about working on our M will be my segue into that conversation. I'll see.

He seems to be acting much more loving toward me this week, as I have been trying to detach and give him more space, keeping my emotions, fears, suspicions to myself. I talk to him pleasantly, except yesterday, and don't ask for much, always assuming that he has other things to do. I haven't called or text him in 5 days. He has been proposing that we do more things together, suppers at the house, etc. He did stay over NYE, but left after brunch to watch sports w/ his friends NYD. I figure I'll just do my thing and not ask him for anything, continue to let him call me when he wants to talk. Detaching is the hardest thing I've ever had to do, especially if I'm to do it so that I can respond to his positive actions towards me without pursuing him, and ignore the negative actions that make me feel anxious. But I guess it seems to be working in that he's pursuing me to some extent.

Of course, when I let myself think it, in the back of my mind is this thought: "Is he lying? Is he really doing what he says he's doing or is he with OW?" I guess detaching is about giving the S enough rope to either hang themselves or pull themselves back to us.

Okay, once again I've gone on too long with my post. Keep up the good work getting back in shape. Good luck with asking your wife out for dinner.

FA

[micoms]

Christa,

I read his book, Relationship Rescue. I had forgotten all about sending something in to his shows website, I sent it 6 weeks ago. I was shocked when I got the call last night. I guess it's no guarantee anything will come of it, but my W does watch his show and respects his work.

I didn't get a lot of pics loaded into it when I gave it to her. I've been loading pictures into the computer through the scanner all day. I'm hoping W will see pics of kids when they were young and vaca pics and remember times weren't always bad and start remembering the good times instead of focusing on the bad.

Mike

[micoms]

fooled,

I also realize that I partly responsible for where my M is today. I could have talked to W about the effect her job was having on us but I thought she knew ans it might be considered too controlling to tell her to quit. Her not being home (working evenings) or awake evenings has gone on for over four years. My hobbies are bowling and refereeing soccer games. Last year I bowled twice a week, only once a week until I had surgery and refereeing soccer games. I've bowled the whole time we've been married but only one night a week. Refereeing lasts about 12 weeks in the spring and another 12 weeks in the fall. Other than that I was usually around the house. I would come home make dinner for the kids clean up and take a shower. Throw in yard work, not a lot of time left. When W got new hours she would usually make dinner.

One of the things she was upset with is house repairs. I put them off while running with the kids when they were young and involved with sports. All four kids were pretty good at soccer. S26 played on a-level select and on a team that played in Europe, S25 played b-level and went to Australia to play in a tournament, D25 never played select but played on the boys high school team (there was no girls team that year)and started a few games as a freshman. D19 was the best of them all. She played at the high level of select. Your team had to win the premier division of another league to apply for the league she played in. Her coaches were N Kentucky's womens coaches as an 8th grader. W traveled all over for tournaments. New Jersey, St Louis, Virginia, Indiana, Chicago, Tennessee are some of the trips we made with their teams in addition to local ones. D19's team was even invited to a Disney Invitational. Her team won the State Cup three times, runners up twice and finished in the semi-finals every other year.

I've read you can look back and find a traumatic event that triggered the MLC. In my W's case it was when D19 was 16. D met a 21yo weasel who convinced her we were the enemy and she ran away with him. My W's heart was broken. D ran away three or four times that summer until the weasel was caught. we had a protection order against him to stay away from D. If I'd have known then some of the things he did to her, I'd probably be in jail. He was physically and mentally an abusive person, she was afraid to leave or break up with him. When he went to jail for a year she finally saw the light. Looking back I think that's when my W started into depression. I didn't recognize it then. I tried to take her out to dinner 2 times a week or so. never on weekends because of her job. Never doing any thing together on weekends I think caused us to drift apart. We used to go out dancing once or twice a month, I really enjoyed that but her job stopped that.

I was shocked when I got the call last night from the Dr. Phil Show. I had sent them an e-mail about 6 weeks ago, I'd forgotten all about it. Doesn't mean we'll be on yet or if W would even go. I don't think all the therapy he does is just on the TV.

My W s Catholic also, I'd love to go to Retrouvaille with her.

Congrats on getting a dog, every kid should grow up with one. It will be a brother or sister to D and give both of you unconditional love. I have a black lab, she's a big baby, a 90lb baby. Pretty big for a female.

I've read that when we detach S starts to come closer. I'm glad you got to share NYE together.

Mike

[grid, lost]

Retrouvaille? what is this??

everyone keep track of micoms/Mike, he gives great advice!!!

grid, lost

[micoms]

Grid,

Retrouvaille is sponsored by the Catholic Church, it's is a weekend experience with follow up meetings. It's open to all denominations. The web site is http://retrouvaille.org. you meet with a priest or minister and three couples who have been where we are. I found out about it on a post here don't remember, but I've seen it mentioned several times.

I've never been, but it has to be more intensive than MC. It starts on a Friday, ends on Sunday. Follow up sessions are usually every other weekend, don't know how long those sessions are.

Mike

[grid, lost]

,All this talk of pizza has me getting anxious to make some!>

Ok Mike
I have to ask , will you share your pizza sauce Recpt. or is this a Mike secret speciality??
grid, lost

[micoms]

Grid,

All this talk of pizza has me salivating myself. When S26 left the house NYD he asked when are we going to do the pizza night? Seems the kids are looking forward to it, maybe I should do it once a month.

I really don't have a measured out recipe. I use a couple of cans of crushed tomatoes add some minced garlic, oregano, anise, fennel seed and a little crushed red pepper. I cook it down until it is thick. I just add more spices until it tastes right. I know it's frustrating not having any measurements. I would call my Grand mother for a recipe for one of her dishes, She would tell me add a small handful of this ,a little bit of that just a pinch. Now thats how I cook. I make a hamburger potato and chicken with homemade egg noodle soup (you can eat it from a plate), I just add spices let it cook awhile and add more if it needs it. Made some of the potato soup last week D24 took some home with her, she wants more.

Well got to go, going to see if W wants to have dinner with me tonight or tomorrow. If tomorrow I'm going bowling with S25 tonight.

Mike

[fooled again]

Mike &, Grid,

Oh my, more pizza talk. Talk about helping maintain a PMA - that'll do it for me. I always wanted to make my own sauce - the canned stuff is so bland. Think I might try it myself.

BTW Mike, we have the dog for the w/e as a trial run. She is a gorgeous, lovable golden retriever, and my D6 is thrilled beyond belief, and having trouble getting to sleep (no surprise there). I do believe that this dog will help us both get through some of the lonely tough times. It's that unconditional love you mentioned.

Have fun bowling!

FA

[micoms]

fooled,

Ended up not going bowling, I couldn't have done it anyway due to surgery. I bowled in a league until I had my problem, I average 200+.

I've got a black lab myself, smartest dog I've ever had. She's a big girl, 90lbs. A 70lb female is considered big. She is a field breed, loves the water. Goldens are good dogs also. Is your dog a puppy? Using a cage is a great way to housebreak a dog. We did that with ours, labs are a den dog they like their own "den". She was mad when we put the cage away, she still lays on the floor were it used to sit 5 years later.

Used to use the canned pizza sauce to start with, added garlic and fennel seed to dress it up. When kids were in high school their friends would ask if dad was making pizza this weekend and would stop by to see if any was left over. Most of their friends call my W and I mom and dad.

Mike

Mike