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#1291651 12/11/07 02:31 AM
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We spend a lot of time discussing the path of the MLCer. What about YOUR path? I will write about mine. I think it would be good for newbies in particular to know that sometimes the worst time is bomb...and things will get better, not worse. At least they did for me. I don't want D but I no longer fear it.

1. Worried, scared. Know something is wrong as everything I do seems to annoy H. Trying DB techniques and seeing a little success but not enough. H is raging self-righteous nut. Feelng timid and intimidated by rages. Don't really know what is wrong but think we can work through it.

2. Bomb. Crushed. Devastated. Shaky confidence. Can't sleep. Lose weight, related health problems. Ls consulted, spouse moves out. Lots of tears. Struggling to cope.

3. Anger. Desire to hurt spouse in creative ways. Want to see him pay. Wish for revenge. "Zsa Zsa" stage of making it all about me...but flaunting in his face. "Up the ante" to make him see "my way." Still arguing.

Very important to GAL at this time, take focus off spouse and start paying attention to self. Good to have friends/people to confide in....

4. Rising. More self-confidence--real self-confidence. Less interest in impressing H. Doing what I want and finding about me. Actually forgetting H's opinion on certain things and doing what I want for myself. Tears with certain memories. Recognizing my role in the problems and feeling overguilty about it.

4. Rope-drop. More self-confidence. Also some ambivalence/resignation. Some empathy for spouse..but doubts on R. I see my role...but I also know what I need him to do. Have doubts if he is capable of coming through. Still, able to be more friendly...but only if I feel H is not taking advantage of me. Less worried about whole idea of D. Start to think about forming new memories instead of clinging to old ones. Laughing more and enjoying life, developing new routines and new tastes. For some, begin to look at others and consider what we want R to be like. Not so ashamed of situation.

Still would be crushed at D...but the whole idea is not as devastating as it was at Bomb and even begins to have some tentative pros.....

5. ??? Those of you at this for a while, and especially those who've been successful, help me out....????

Last edited by breton39; 12/11/07 02:46 AM.

M: 16 years
Bomb 4/07
OW 20s long gone
Divorced 11/09
I remarried New Guy
Cooperative r w/X regarding D

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Oh--I decided to add that I'm not *entirely* into Rising and Rope Drop stages. Like the MLCer, I still have flashes of anger, some of them intense.

But more and more I'm moving forward. I find that living alone without MLC anger is far preferable to dealing with a raging whining complaining nightmare.

It's been all about ME for a while and it's been good for me.

Last edited by breton39; 12/11/07 03:22 AM.

M: 16 years
Bomb 4/07
OW 20s long gone
Divorced 11/09
I remarried New Guy
Cooperative r w/X regarding D

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Okay I'll bite..a bit different for me.

One year ago today, exactly.

H brings me flowers. Morning wakes me up and tells me he has been having an 8 month affair with our friend. I burst into tears, leave the room. We talk all day. ML. (He calls OW to end affair.) I am in shock, can't think, cry a lot. Keep asking why. Angry. Afraid. Act cheery for my son who is home for Christmas. Sick to my stomach, always. Can't sleep. Go to Sundance, have fun. Cry when alone.

End of January
Month of tears, hurt, anger, mixed with ML all the time, MC, checking phones and emails only to find affair still going. He ends affair again. OW attacks house and me. I am freaked out. Can't sleep, can't eat, can't function. Lose more weight. Am in absolute pain all the time. Disoriented a lot. Speed talking a lot.

March
He recommits. I start to calm down.

April
Affair starts again, I lose it and tell he to leave. (as now I know about hep-C). I throw up, can't sleep that night, can't breathe, book a flight to NYC to be with son.

He comes to NYC in three day to say he wants a divorce and to marry OW. I collapse on the floor, don't talk or move or eat for 2 weeks. Live on milk and Motrin. Son in bed for days. Friend comes by to help us as we are unable to feed ourselves. Total PTSD. Cut off all my hair (tons of curls gone).

May..July
Come home. Hire a lawyer, file for divorce, start to get my life together. Book myself every hour of everyday with something. Read every book I can find. Rearrange furniture. Go NC on H as much as possible. Pace in circles a lot. Go out. Make new friends. Call everyone I know and let them know. Go to EMDR therapy for PTSD (have been in IC all along). Go to yoga. Go to spas. Keep busy. start to feel better. Do lots of paperwork. Cry a lot. In pain.

August..
PTSD gone. Feel awake. Can finally eat a meal. Buy new clothes. start laughing. Seeing friends. Still cry sometimes. Still in pain sometimes.

Sept.
A few meetings with H after the I miss you emails. Don't go well. I am confused as to what he wants. Start to see he is unhappy.

October
Find DB site. Decide to think about H. Start to answer phone and emails once in a while. Start talking without anger or tears to him. Start feeling much better. Forgive him. Feel great about me.
Start to doubt divorce idea. Fires in LA work with him to get cats out.

Nov...
Doing great. Feel positive about myself and my future. Miss my H, but decide its okay. Accept he is gone, am pleasant but removed emotionally when I see him. Having a great time. Cry rarely.

Dec..

He wants to put divorce on hold. I am okay with that.

Last edited by short1; 12/11/07 04:38 AM.

me 54
WAH 53
M 26 yr/T 30 yr
S 18
Sep April 07
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Okay breton lets see if I can remember:

May 2005, H's mother dies unexpectedly. H doesn't really grieve, holds everything inside. About a month later he becomes really distant, irritable, angry. I am there asking if he needs to talk, he is okay. He wants to be alone.

I am questioning everything and I even ask him if there was someone else and he said no. H is getting really depressed loosing weight like crazy. Sleeping in bed but way over on the other side. No ML, no kissing.

I am so confused, worried and upset. Things are okay for a while and then we go on vacation for family reunion. Calls keep coming in on his work cell phone. At this time I am dropping weight, no sleeping, crying all the time, pleading with him to tell me what is wrong.

He tells me that he isn't happy and hasn't been for a couple of years. He wants to move out when we get back from vacation. I fall apart. He phone rings again and he became very quiet. I ask him who it was and he said it was a friend. That is when I knew there was someone else. He still didn't tell me that it was an ow, it was just a friend. I become very angry!

I get home a day before he does because I left him there in colorado with my family and drove back to TX by my self, checked into a hotel room. Cried what seemed like was forever. I hated him for what he did to me and our kids. I wanted him to feel the pain that I was feeling.

When he got back from Colorado he still denied the ow. Said he was moving out and he didn't care what I said. I pleaded to him to lets work on us. I cried, lost more weight, then calmed my self and told him if that is what he needed to do then do it.

He did, then came clean about the ow. The anger that I had been holding in came out in floods. I felt loss, grief all at the same time. I wanted to kill him and the ow!!!! Wanted to play "Clara Harris" and run them both over with my car!

September I decided I was tired of feeling like this and went to a C. She helped me to cope and to let go of my h. Before I would call him all the time, several times a day, just to hear his voice.

Started GALing. Doing things for me. H started to come around more. He would call our S.

As I let the rope drop things started changing. I didn't cry all the time. I felt more at peace with myself. I let God take control of my h. I felt relief!!!!

My h noticed my attitude change and my self confidence. He started paying more attention to me. It was then i was question myself. Did I want my h back? Did my love dwindle for him? Would it be better or would it continue like the pervious 2 years. For those of you that know my sitch my h came and left several times saying that he was done with the ow.

I gave it to God and let him guide me.

Fianlly in January 2007 h came home and broke all contact with the ow. He has been attending C every week for over a year and just recently stopped with the advice of his C.

Things are fantastic and better that ever with me and h and I am glad that I waited. I am glad that I listened and found this BB. I am glad that I went to C or I don't know if I would have been M right now.


Breton, I know this is long but the thoughts just came pouring out!

Y

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Hmm...based on these posts I wonder if the 6th stage of the LBSer is acceptance? And maybe there is yet another one....

YR, you seem to fit into the same general stages:

1. Worried, scared.
2. Bomb. Crushed. Devastated. Shaky confidence.
3. Anger.
4. Rising. More self-confidence--real self-confidence.
5. Rope-drop. More self-confidence. Also some ambivalence/resignation.
6. Acceptance.


M: 16 years
Bomb 4/07
OW 20s long gone
Divorced 11/09
I remarried New Guy
Cooperative r w/X regarding D

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breton

I think we all follow the same path. Some go through "stages" longer than others depending on the stich!

Y

Last edited by yellowrose; 12/11/07 09:19 PM.
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I would add..

7. True forgiveness/empathy


me 54
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YellowRose:

I know I've talked to you on my thread but I just read your stages. Wow, I could just put myself right in there and I would think it was me except I am still at the crying all the time stage. Not so much around him anymore, I try to control that.
I am trying to GAL and ignore him as much as possible but it is extremely hard. I'm not sure when he plans on leaving as I've stated before all the bags are packed. Piles of clothes everywhere. Kids are devastated and D15 hates looking at his suitcase. He won't talk to the kids face to face so he emailed D15. Hasn't talked to D21 since Thanksgiving when she was home. She is very angry with him. She is coming home on Thursday. He will act all happy and crap.

I want to let my rope out. I want to get him out of my head and the OW. The thoughts of them roll around in my head and I try to get them out. Usually I end in tears.

I hope yellow that since my sitch is so close to yours that I end just like you. I want my marriage to be on my terms and if I want him to stay. Will I ever get there? I found out about OW last January. Not sure their relationship right now. Probably PA but for sure EA.

Treese


Treese

H 49
M 45
D 23, D17, S12
M 25 T 31
01/07 OW H at my door w/proof
Bomb ILYBINILWY 06/07
Sep 01/08 headed for the greener grass,
Mar08.B#2H has child who is 9
11/08 pos.paternity




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1. Worried, scared. Know something is wrong as everything I do seems to annoy H. Trying DB techniques and seeing a little success but not enough. H is raging self-righteous nut. Feeling timid and intimidated by rages. Don't really know what is wrong but think we can work through it.

I was here. I'd add terrified to this one. So confused and I couldn't get to the bottom of the problem no matter how I tried.

2. Bomb. Crushed. Devastated. Shaky confidence. Can't sleep. Lose weight, related health problems. Ls consulted, spouse moves out. Lots of tears. Struggling to cope.

Oh dear God, if you look this up in the LBS dictionary, my picture is there. I was a mess. I had a very, very hard time in this stage.

3. Anger. Desire to hurt spouse in creative ways. Want to see him pay. Wish for revenge. "Zsa Zsa" stage of making it all about me...but flaunting in his face. "Up the ante" to make him see "my way." Still arguing.

I never hit anger. I was so sad, disappointed, but never hated H.

Very important to GAL at this time, take focus off spouse and start paying attention to self. Good to have friends/people to confide in....

4. Rising. More self-confidence--real self-confidence. Less interest in impressing H. Doing what I want and finding about me. Actually forgetting H's opinion on certain things and doing what I want for myself. Tears with certain memories. Recognizing my role in the problems and feeling overguilty about it.

Definitely felt myself shift into this stage about a year ago. What a relief to be moving on in some way. Tears with memories-I identify with that a lot.

4. Rope-drop. More self-confidence. Also some ambivalence/resignation. Some empathy for spouse..but doubts on R. I see my role...but I also know what I need him to do. Have doubts if he is capable of coming through. Still, able to be more friendly...but only if I feel H is not taking advantage of me. Less worried about whole idea of D. Start to think about forming new memories instead of clinging to old ones. Laughing more and enjoying life, developing new routines and new tastes. For some, begin to look at others and consider what we want R to be like. Not so ashamed of situation.

I am here now. I float back and forth between this one and the one prior. I am doing much better than I was before and I've found out a lot about myself, who I am, what I like and don't. It's really miraculous that I am able to do these things after how shaken up I once was.


Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
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What a great thread....

The journey of the LBS is just as important as that of the MLC'er.

We emerge from the crisis as a much better version.

We grow up.

We become strong and confident.

We also become more loving and forgiving.

We become better friends and sisters and brothers and parents.

This is our journey just as much as theirs.

Embrace it.

Do things for yourself that you only dreamed about.

See a therapist for yourself not your Marriage.

Travel.

Learn a language.

Take up a hobby.

Eat in a different restaurant and try something new.

Change your hair color.

Lose weight.

Don't get lost in your MLC'ers life, you can not stop living just because they are temporarily insane.

You do not need them to be happy.

You may want them in your life, but you do not need them.

There is a difference.


There can be no testimony without a test.
I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
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