Still hopeful for some pleasant surprises

[SirPrizeMe]

I'm moving here, to separated.
My old thread

Quick summary:
By the time we had been married 12 years, W was feeling antsy. changing hair color often. Not terribly satisfied with her deal. In 2004/5, we went through a period where we didn't ML for 10 months. She didn't even notice it, expressed disbelief when I told her how long it had been.

Spring 2006, my job had changed, I began travelling more often. At the same time our best family friends were going through some marriage troubles. That friend's W took a job in another state, came home only on weekends. W and my best friend became closer.
PA started in May 2006.

W of best friend discovered this in in July 2006, called to let me know. I was devastated. We had been planning to move the family across the country; close date on the new house was 10 days away. Decided to go through with it.

We moved, mutually committed to working on the M and R, but never really got on track. W continued to communicate with OM.

W complaints about me escalated as time went on. From, I was always unhappy, to I was scary, to I was controlling. W's current position is that I was abusive for 20 years (this is recent).

We separated Sept 1st, with an agreement that neither of us would file for divorce for 3 months. Almost made it! She filed papers November 27th.

I'm still DBing.

[SirPrizeMe]

The key current question, the one I had posted on the tail end of my prior thread (but I think that thread will lock soon) - should I step into the house, if she invites me in, next time?

some details: she has filed D papers. She changed the locks on the door, made some comment about "I'm afraid you'll come in the middle of the night..." (I've never done this, threatened this, etc). She also sent me an email saying, "given the pattern of abuse in our marriage, I no longer give you permission to enter our house, without my explicit invitation (Etc etc etc)" It sounded like legalese, if you ask me. She did it on advice of someone else, either her sister, her attorney, or a book.

here's how I found out the locks were changed: The wednesday before thanksgiving, I called to arrange a time when I could get my bicycle from the house (asking for an explicit invitation). She informed me that she and the kids were already "gone" for the weekend. I asked if, under the circumstances, it would be ok if I went to the house to collect my bike. It was then she told me I would not be able to get in. I asked, "How am I going to get my bike?" Not grumpy, not angry, not petulant. Just - can you help me solve this problem? She then began to tell me where the spare key was hidden. I stopped her - told her I don't want to know. We arranged to use a neighbor as a trusted broker, but that's not important. The point is she changed the locks on me, and then days later offered to tell me where the key was hidden.

I'm DBing my Arse off. The question now is, should I accept an invitation into the house, if she offers, next time?

I really want to.


Tonight! S10's bday dinner. We're all going out together. This is a milestone. It's been 2+ months.

Should be fun!

[SirPrizeMe]

Birthday dinner for S10 (he'll be 11 tomorrow) was GREAT.
We went out to Mexican (his choice). Everybody had fun.
A very relaxed evening. Everyone laughed and smiled and ... it was just a regular good old time.

S10 got a bunch of good presents, was super psyched. It was awesome to see him so excited. I love it! Especially about the music player that W and I agreed to get him. Wow. That's what it's all about.

Hoooha!

Awesome.

I'm soooooo happy.

Big kisses from all the kids as I said goodbye.
W sees all of this.

This is just another day, but it was a good one. I'm taking it one day at a time. I'm really thankful for this one.

I hope W is seeing the good stuff right in front of her very eyes. If not, I'm enjoying myself anyway.

[WAS32]

Sounds like you got a small positive tonight . Good for you. Keep that feeling close to your heart. It makes the As If attitude so much easier. Be happy and enjoy your happiness. Rooting for you!

As for the going in the house thing. If she invites you I would go in. I wouldn't let H in for awhile and had my locks changed too. (mine was cuz of a break in shortly after he left) But I think if she invites you into the home go. It lets her feel a little bit of trust again and that could be very important. Just make sure you don't over stay your welcome. Good Luck!

[SirPrizeMe]

WAS32, great, thanks for the encouragement and advice.

I am hoping one day to be invited back into her life.
At the same time, she has filed for a divorce. We have a schedule, we have a court date (October 2008).

Here's the next question -
how do I balance the "make every interaction positive" with the "I'm moving on with my life"?

She continues to live in the family house. I'm professionally employed, she is not. all of our income goes to the house. I'm living on savings.

Shall I continue to let her stay in the house, get my apartment on savings? or should I force the timeline on reducing our expenses and living within our means. This would mean selling the house (forcing her to move), and probably, forcing her to get a job.

My attorney advises me to move forward on the financial side. That seems like a good way to divorce. Not sure if it is a good way to DB.

[SirPrizeMe]

Today W sent an email full of worry about unilateral financial moves on my part. My paycheck is direct-deposited into an account, from which our mortgage is automatically paid. Last week I raised the issue budgets with her - now that she has filed for divorce I want to get an apartment so I can have the kids regularly. We cannot afford the house and a new apartment. So we need to cut expenses, which likely means selling the house. I asked if she had a budget plan for her new place. She sounded surprised by this talk. To me, her being surprised is a surprise: She has been "asking" for a divorce since summer 2007, but filed only in late November.

Anyway now she is worried about me "taking back" half my paycheck, warned me it would have repercussions on my credit rating. (As if that is top of mind for me?). I replied assuring her I had no intentions of making unilateral changes, but that we needed to get realistic about our expenses. We needed to prepare for the split. At our current rate, we are spending much more than I make in income, every month. This financial distress is not helping our relationship.

( deep breaths. in... out.... calm envelopes me as I breathe. in....out....)

I feel horrible about her situation. I hate being the one to bring the unpleasant news, that she cannot continue to live in the big house while I live in a box. But at this point I need to see my kids more often and more regularly, and they need to see me as a Dad with a solid foundation (a house, apartment). If we eventually divorce I need to have a place where they can stay. Since I am barred from her house (formerly our house), I need a place of my own, which means we gotta sell the place where she lives.

Options?

1. I could continue to live on borrowed funds while she lives in the large expensive family home, contributing no income. This is basically what I am doing now, and it feels like she is abusing her position of me. Also it's not healthy for me, living in a room at a friend's house. No closet, no place to call my own.
2. She could re-instate her permission for me to come into the house. Then I could see the kids regularly, on weekends and evenings, whether she is there or not. I wouldn't need an apartment. I feel this would be a big step (not likely at this point) toward re-building our marriage. It would represent a huge de-escalation on her part.
3. We could sell the house and both of us could get our own apartments. This feels like moving rapidly away from each other.
4. She could move out into her friend's basement (nearby, free) and I could move back into the house. I would of course welcome her to visit her kids any time. I feel like this would be a big concession on her part, at least. She'd be willing to endure some hardship for the good of the family.

Should I propose this list to her?
I don't want to pursue. I don't want to say "let's call the whole divorce thing off!" because she knows my views, I have said it many times.

I think maybe the best approach is to wait. Take it slow. See what develops. Stay positive while waiting!

[SirPrizeMe]

How come no one ever replies any more to my essays??!!?

I moved from newcomers to "separated" thinking it was more appropriate but it is awfully quiet here.

[Trixi]

Hey SirPrizeMe-
I don't want you to feel ignored. I have read your "essays". I usually keep quiet with regard to doling out advice because my thoughts are probably not very DB. And given that my H has just informed me that he wants to hurry and and get divorced, I am obviously not a DB success story.

Having said that- why should SHE get to be in the big house? SHE is the one that wants to divorce. SHE needs to understand what it will be like. YOU are not the instigator.

Personally, I think that outlining ALL the options is the right way to handle it. And then you both discuss what you both can live with. She needs to understand that her choices will not afford her the same lifestyle. If she made a *choice* to remain married and work on creating a mutually satisfying marriage, then these financial issues wouldn't exist. Why should the savings be depleted?

My 2 cents.

[WAS32]

It's hard to give advise when you are new to this. I am just trying to figure out things myself. But i do agree with trixi on the moving out part. She wats out then I guess she should get out. At the very least sit down and have a talk about the finances with you. My H was the one who needed out of the M so out he went. We live an hour away from each other and he is starting to complain about how much it costs to drive back and forth. Well the way i see it. He left. He took the big truck. He decided to move that far away. It's his problem.

I know that there are kids involved and it's hard to see them have to move but if you can't afford the keep the house you have to do what is necessary.

Then again, what about the friends free basement? Sounds like the best plan on the list. This way nothing drastic is done and it can give you some more time for DBing.

Anyways, this is just my opinion.

[SirPrizeMe]

Thanks Trixi and WAS32.

On the why should she get to stay in the big house? question, it just is. Over the summer she repeatedly asked me for a separation. For a couple of reasons I did not want to move out. Obviously I would miss my family. Secondly money was an issue. Finally it was pleasant in the house - there were no fights. She just ignored me all the time. I was hoping she'd stay and see me for the good father I was trying to be.

Then one evening she told me she still calls her OM and "he'll always be my friend." I left the house the next day, telling her, she can do what she wants, but her ongoing relationship with OM is not good for me, so it is time for us to sell this house. Well the day after that, she asked me to go to MC again with her. She actually went to MC for one session then she backed out.

So,... how did I get here? I don't know exactly. but yes, she is still in the big house.

But it is a temporary thing. I'm not worried about it, except so far as it impacts my chances at reconciliation. Sure it's inconvenient for me and I want my own place, a space to call my own. But it will pass. Either I'll reconcile with W, or I will not, but in either case I will get my own space. And it won't be long.

I think I will lay out these options, but not yet. Patience.
We'll see.

SHE is the one that wants to divorce. SHE needs to understand what it will be like. YOU are not the instigator.

Yes! This is where we are getting to, now. When I moved out she didn't feel it. Everything was the same except no hubby to scowl at and actively ignore. But now it is brass tacks time. Budgets! and rent! and moving! oh my!

If she made a *choice* to remain married and work on creating a mutually satisfying marriage, then these financial issues wouldn't exist. Why should the savings be depleted?

Trixi, That is exactly the realization I am hoping she will have, though I don't know if I want to say the words to her. It's better if she figures that out herself. On the other hand, again, spending the savings is a short-term thing for me. I'll make more money. (On the other hand it is much more painful for her.)


thanks for the support.