Turning the Page

[missmyfriend]

My W started the D process back in June and she started talking about it back in Sept of last year right when she dropped the bomb on me. I went from thinking my W was in love with me to D city in one 24 hour period. I am sure that is the same for most here.

Anyway, she and I are stalled at the parenting plan. I am not stalling her. I don't want the D but that is not what is stalling it. She wants me to sign a document that is not accurate. It states that we are sharing the children (I hate how that sounds -- sharing; like they are property) 50/50. I asked her if she was going to have the 50% of the time and she said no. She was going to stay with our current arrangement where the boys come over every other Friday night and sometimes the Saturday night too. Our D almost never goes over and she said that. I asked her for a document that reflects that and she said she couldnt because the kids would think she doesnt want them???? Funny, but I think actions speak louder than words. Anyway, I won't sign the document and she won't accept anything else. So about a month ago she commented I guess that you (me) will be married to me longer like you want. Sheesh! I say I will sign an accurate document and she thinks I am stalling. Maybe I am not the one who is stalling

So, Jack is right. You may not be D in two months. Wait and see what happens.

[w8ing]

TFH - My H will not be happy that I am not blindly accepting his property settlement proposal. He says it is fair and if we can not use lawyers - that would be better.

Right.

RCR gave me good advice. He will spew. He will react like a child who hasn't gotten his own way. Let him. Let my lawyer deal with this.

I understand wanting to DB...but you have to protect yourself. Let her be angry. Just don't reflect her emotion.

[theforlornhope]

Jack,

No you don't. You think you will, and you should stop that as well. Belief is power.

Of all the thought provoking things to say! I've been struggling with this since I read it.

Really struggling. Believing that way was helping me cope. Helping me get through preparing for the D settlement logistics. I actually got a little irritated when I read it.

The light bulb finally came on. When we used to plan missions, we would have tons of contingency plans. We never got bent or just went straight to end-game. (Like I have been.)

Something else that drew a strong parrallel, on our debriefing, we would NEVER say to G2, I saw such-and-such. We would say I saw what "appeared to be" such-and-such, and give a detailed description or sketch.

I would like to revise my post.

It appears that I will be divorced in several weeks.

The mission isn't over yet.


Man am I glad you're hard to kill. I wish I had had you on my team.

[theforlornhope]

MMF,

I went from thinking my W was in love with me to D city in one 24 hour period. I am sure that is the same for most here.

Oh man. I can't believe the amount of pain floating around out there.

I asked her for a document that reflects that and she said she couldnt because the kids would think she doesnt want them???? Funny, but I think actions speak louder than words.

My W's (I'm not caling her STBXW anymore, see post above!) stated reason for leaving is to find that "romantic spark with someone else." I don't see where the boys fit into this.

I asked her for full custody with any visitation she wanted. She refused in a dramatic way. Our MC advised that the "societal pressures" on her probably prevented her from agreeing even if that is what she would like. Her parents, co-workers, friends and peers, etc. would look down on any "woman who gave up custody of her kids."

I put some weight to this since she is rabidly paranoid about what other people think as far as our divorce being caused by her and OM.

I am fortunate in my state that I will probably get 50% physical custody regardless. I hope that as things get more "time consuming" for her, I will have them more, regardless of the decree.

So about a month ago she commented I guess that you (me) will be married to me longer like you want. Sheesh! I say I will sign an accurate document and she thinks I am stalling. Maybe I am not the one who is stalling

Ssswwwweeeeeeeeeeeeeettttttttt!

Does dragging feet count as baby steps???

Wait and see what happens.

Check!

[AmyC]

TFH - I read your post on my thread and took the liberty of changing your sig line. It sounded too hopeless. See how you like....





AmyC

[theforlornhope]

W8ing,

I'm in the same boat as far as the settlement issues.

My H will not be happy that I am not blindly accepting his property settlement proposal.

In the beginning, just after the D bomb, I was thinking like "her husband," and when she said "I want to keep my 401K and you keep yours," I assumed it was a matter of a few thousand dollars. I agreed.

My W has been keeping her 401K/retirement statements in her office for about 3 years, (feature this, about the same time as the OM/IDLYA bomb,) along with her cell phone records.

Then....

I asked her for full custody, it got ugly.

We tried to talk about transferring to either of our home states, it got ugly.

I let her cool off, and asked her how she wanted to proceed with the custody / logistics discussions since we can't talk about them on our own.

She was still pissed, and said "I want to let the lawyers handle it."

At the first settlement conference, we disclosed all assets & debts. I was SHOCKED. I said "no way, we split down the middle." It got ugly later.

If she had just lied to me and agreed to transfer (without meaning to,) I would have agreed to her version of the settlement without full disclosure.

I'm glad she was acting selfish. It saved me a TON.

[AmyC]

Just read this:

When we used to plan missions, we would have tons of contingency plans. We never got bent or just went straight to end-game.

I think I'm gonna run try to dig up a couple of my old posts that you might be able to relate to.

Standby...

[AmyC]

From 3/07 1:06am

For the last week I have had one word keep popping up in my head.

Fortified.

I couldn't figure out why that word kept bugging me.

I looked it up for an official definition as opposed to my just thinking along the lines of vitamins.

Interesting.

It means "strengthened against attack".[/quote]


My post later that evening after I took my daughter to the battlefield at Yorktown:

My daughter and I decided this afternoon that we were going to walk on the beach at Yorktown. Being raised here, we take that place for granted and although my kids have gone there on field trips, I can't say I have walked the battlefields with them other than to sit on the cannons when they were little.
We went onto the battlefield today and walked around. We found an old cemetary and walked around reading the tombstones that dated back to the 1800s.

At one point, I was in what I called a trench. I was down below and she was up a few feet higher than me. I looked over at the sign they had posted and a word caught my eye. The sign said "field fortification" and then went on to describe how the troops basically dug in and built mounds of dirt around themselves to be protected from enemy troops. That's when I looked around. I was standing basically in a huge oval area and all around me was a wall of dirt with grass on it.
No one on top, unless they were right there looking down, could have seen me. If I were in a war, the walls all around me would have protected me against attack.

Now here's my "holy crap" moment....

When I looked around this evening and saw the wall built around me, I was pretty much just dumbstruck.

No one in this world or even straight out of hell could convince me now that I haven't been being readied to make THIS very stand.

That word being in my mind and then me standing there like I did tonight was no coincidence.

So TFH - what I am saying to you is this, generally I believe that if a person ends up here, they have been strenghtened to stand. They just don't feel it most of the time because this is such a hard road. Even I, at my weakest, had to literally be shown what that meant - to be "fortified". You may or may not believe the same about yourself. But I felt led to show you that old post. There is also another one. Might take a couple minutes for me to track that one down...

[theforlornhope]

Thanks AmyC.

Check out the emperors new clothes...

[AmyC]

I learned a new definition for the word filibustertoday. In Church. And it gave me something to think about and it can be applied to our situations very effectively. The definition is below....Keep reading if you want to know how it applies to us...

Filibuster is the historical name, used predominantly in the 19th century, for private individuals who settled in foreign states with the intent of eventually overthrowing the existing government


Any of us, while we were lost or even if we were just uneducated in the ways of matrimony, caught up in our own selfishness, too busy to notice the sad condition of our homes...whatever the source of our marital problems, we can be considered to have been residing at that time in a "foreign territory". The enemy's territory. Only his work was being done at that time: destroying the family from within. For example, it applies to me in that I was lost and deeply mired in the sin of adultery and all the other sin that entails....so I was residing in a foreign territory - wholly welcomed by it's 'government' - living in the enemy's domain. Accomplishing his work and destroying my family.

But soon there came another Another who represented a better Government. He set me free - opened my eyes - forgave me - and I joined HIS battle to take back all the enemy had taken from me while I was deceived.

And now it's war. What will you do? What will I do?
Will we fight for what we know is His WILL...that our marriages be brought back from the brink of divorce TO HIS GLORY?

It only takes one person to stand up and change things. Change the ENTIRE course of events. All throughout history there have been men and women who have done so for causes less than ours and causes EXACTLY like ours.
Our cause is His cause. So all of heaven is behind us and there's nothing in hell or from hell that will change that. Unless we lay down. We are called to stand. We have to stand there against everything that comes against us but we are not standing without protection. We have the Armor of God and He tells us to put it on...

Gird your loins with Truth
The Breastplate of Righteousness
Feet shod with preparation on the Gospel of Peace
The Shield of Faith
The Helmet of Salvation
The Sword of the Spirit

And so we fight.

Do we get tired? Yes.
Do we get disillusioned? Yes.
Do we give up? The truth is some will. I came close.

The more believers that gather, the stronger we are. And we have the only weapon we need. The Word. It doesn't matter what the circumstances say to us, or even what our spouses say....it only matters what God says but we have to claim it and KEEP CLAIMING IT until we see the manifestation of our faith. That is the restoration of our marriages. The facts may be that we and our spouses messed up really bad. The facts may be that we don't see any signs of reconciliation. The TRUTH is God said He will "restore the years the locust has eaten"...He did not say He MIGHT restore. He said He WILL. We are always asking Him for something. Maybe now He wants something from US. He wants to see faith. Yes, He wants us to believe in what we do not see. THAT'S what faith IS.

In the Gospel of Luke are several stories where Jesus said to someone "your faith has saved you", "your faith has made you whole". Another story tells of a man with palsy who's friends, trying to get him to Jesus, lowered him down from the roof into the house where Jesus was...they so believed He could heal their friend...the Bible says "when He saw their faith He said to the man 'your sins are forgiven'". It's about faith. And if faith the size of a mustard seed can move a mountain, we have what it takes, through Him, to save our marriages. He said in Luke 10:19 "Behold I give you authority to tread on serpents and scorpions, and over all the power of the enemy, and nothing shall by any means hurt you."

We are in a battle. It doesn't matter if you THINK you are or not. Or if you WANT to be or not.
You ARE in it.
Everyone is.
It is only a question of which side.

You can take that post for what it is worth to you, TFH.
You can try to remove the spiritual aspects if you need to and still gain from it, only not as much in my opinion.

Hope you get something out of these!



AmyC