Turning the Page

[theforlornhope]

So, I locked my own thread. Just number two for me.

Well, she peeked out of the tunnel this morning and spewed all over me before running back in. (EEEWwwww, I just showered.) She had her state mandated "parenting class" last night, I think that had a lot to do with it.

I'm kind of journaling here while it's fresh.

I was helping the boys get dressed, and S6 started crying over not having the socks he wanted. (really over fears and anxiety that he can't express.) I had him in my lap and was talking to him when she came into the room. She interrupted us and asked him why he was crying, I told her "It's nothing, it's taken care of." Lately she has been doing that when I am dealing with him, it's not concern so much as trying to take over what I am doing with him. This screws up what I am doing with him, so I am going to set my first boundary here. (another milestone.)

Anyway, I asked her to talk in the other room. I told her that I was handling the situation, and please don't interrupt what I am doing. Her reply was "you always do that to me." (not.) Then she said "I know you think I don't care about them, and that I don't think this D is going to hurt them, and that I don't think it's important, but I do."

I said "I think it's the most important thing there is, but I don't want to fight with you." I went back and finished getting them ready.

Later while I was making breakfast she approached me and said "I'm not trying to start a fight, but I have to say this. I think it is worse for children to grow up in a house where one spouse doesn't love the other one, and they are exposed to fighting all the time." (we almost never fought in front of them.)

I said "all right, I understand, but I have something to say as well."

"I understand that this is how you feel, and in some cases, I could say that's valid. But in our case, I don't believe that it is. I don't feel that there is anything in our marriage that is irreparable."


"I understand that you don't love me. I understand why you think that this is the best thing for you. I agree that this might be the best thing for you to do. I understand that you are going through a lot right now, and that you are unhappy. I know that there are a lot of things going on with you that you haven't told me about, but I know that these things exist and are hard for you."

"This is not what's best for me. I know that you think it is because you have said that in the past. But it is not. This is the worst thing for me. Please don't pretend that it is or say that to me or other people."

"I chose to love you. I still choose to love you. I haven't changed my mind about that. I believe that there is a lot of choice involved in love. I understand that you have chosen not to love me but that is your choice."

"The boys don't have a say in this decision. I know you think this is better for them, but I respectfully disagree. I believe that this is the worst thing possible for them."

I'm not trying to make you feel guilty, or change your mind. I don't think it would be better if you stayed out of guilt."

After that, it went straight downhill. She was accusing me of blaming her, and the alien spew started in earnest. Things like "You have never understood me," "you always disregard what I say," "you don't respect me."

I told her that I did respect who she was, that she is smart successful, and capable, and that I respected her more than anyone else I know. I realized that this was arguing, not listening, so I asked her what do I do that makes you feel I disregard you?

She broke it off and left the room.

I left it alone.

I think what she heard me say was "you're wrong and this is all your fault."

I need an MLC interpreter

I suppose that this was backsliding and pushing, but she initiated the subject twice, and I did feel like I needed to say those things calmly once and for all.

I write letters to her, edit them a few times, look for anger and other unwanted emotions in them, and tear them up.

Most of what I said was from a letter I have been editing lately. I think I would have done a better job if I could have given it to her instead of talking.

[RedHeadWife]

I don't think it was backsliding or pushing AT ALL. I think what you said was valid and she needed to hear it. Hopefully she didn't just hear it, but listened as well. Time will tell.

I hated the "I don't love you anymore" and I know how much that hurts. Wish I could give you a hug!!

[theforlornhope]

Thanks RHW. I needed to say it for me at some point before the D happens. Calmly, not in a heated argument, so she could hear it.

She probably didn't, I think she had her MLC-Muffs on. She was spoiling for a fight, (we all know our spouses signs for that,) but I didn't give in.

What a hateful phrase that is. I hope I never hurt anyone that badly.

What's the count? There should be a little ticker by your name counting down the time.

You're the bomb.

(((RHW)))

[theforlornhope]

Happy Thanksgiving everyone. (In the US. )

[RedHeadWife]

25 days to go! Having a rough time right now though -- more details over on my thread in Piecing, but I'll get over it/through it.

Hope you have a good turkey day too We get off @ noon today and I am SO looking forward to a nap this afternoon w/ no children in the house

Just wanted to say again, though, that I think you did very well w/ the convo w/ your W!

[Rollercoasterider]

theforlornhope,

There was no backslide there. If that dialogue is an accurate description of what happened I rather feel it is an excellent example of how to have a discussion, validate while disagreeing and show your spouse this is not what you want. Others shold read it to learn how to do it.

And backsliding, that's not always bad either...or what people think is backsliding. Sometimes oyu've got to push, you've got to vent at your spouse...because venting here isn't getting the message to them.

She reacted and you responded. Beautiful. Every action has an opposite and equal reaction. MLCers react; it is something done an autopilot. You responded with forethought. And her reactions were waht we can expect right now...of course she accused of not validating and such. Your job is to remain consistent through that. Reacting is biting the bait and allowing an argument to escalate. Responding is letting her stand there and argue while you don't. She will think you had an argument, but thse won't relaize she had one with her Self only.
Hopefully she will catch on and stop trying to push more to find your weak spot. She may then find someone else who will react or stop pushing and move on to other tactics.

You did well; ver well.

HUGS,
RCR

[Jack_Three_Beans]

FH,

Nah man you did fine. You could have shortened it up a little bit, but heh, I'm arm chair quarterbacking here.

I detect a little pride in your confrontation?
It's ok we all feel that way when it happens.

I'm not trying to start a fight, but

She opened the door, she put men on the border.

Your response was excellent, a bit wordy...you sure you were a marine? j/k man.

As for taking thoughts from you letter. That is actually a pretty good tactic, you have already crafted these thoughts and gone over them in your head, these are not spur of the moment words, if you are going to backslide, a controlled backslide is the best way to go. Logically rather than an emotionally fueld backslide that may take you to the base of the mountain.

And as RC said, I do not think this was a backslide.
If the MLC is going to open the door...
You can open it, or depending on the situation, come through with a room sweeper.


BTW, Bob Seger, or Metallica's cover? Nice title either way.

[RedHeadWife]

I would have to vote for Bob Seger

[missmyfriend]

tfh, I agree with everyone. I had a similar convo with my W. She started seeing a C the following month and has gone every week since. Was it related to what I said to her? She had said the kids and I needed to see a therapist to get over this and I finally said you keep telling us to see a therapist when you are the one that has chosen an alternative lifestyle betraying your faith and leaving the husband and children that love you. You really need to see a therapist.

Was it wrong? Probably. But I was beat up so many times and she needs to see a therapist. Since then I am very quiet even when she is blaming me.

[RedHeadWife]

Just checking in. Hope you had a good day.