Wife has filed, what do I do ?

[micoms]

My wife has filed for D. We have been m 27 years, together over 30, have 4 children S26, S25, D24, & D19. We've been separated since 7/12/07, when she first left I did the typical stuff, cried, begged pleaded,etc. She moved in with our D24 and her BF & son. We were seeing each other, going out to dinner and movies, I'd go to see her 3 to 4 times a week at D's. Didn't give her any time or space.
We even went on a vacation to Fla in Aug together (we had planned last winter). Things were great until 2 days before our return. She got a voice message or text and went cold &distant.We had been seeing a MC, Wife had said she was moving back home after vaca. On coming home she said she was still going to stay with D24.
I have suspected she has had an affair with a co-worker. Now I think it could have been 2 or 3 over the last three years. Our problems started shortly after she took a part time job to help with expenses for S26's wedding. The job was to be 2 or 3 nights per week, but became 5 nights a week, on top of a full time job. She wouldn't get home until 11PM. We had serious problems withD19 when she was 16, she met a 22yo weasle who convinced her to give up everything and runaway with him. She is very bright, 4.45GPA( extra for adv placement classes) and very gifted in soccer. She would have gotten a full ride to college. My W quit both jobs when D came back home. We still didn't do things together, someone had to stay home to make sure D didn't run away. Eventually W went back to work at her Part time job, but now working 6 nights per week, only a weekend night off every 3 to 4 months. She left this job to go to another, working evenings until 11PM. They changed her hours to 4AM to 1PM, and working every Sat & Sun. After this all she would do is work and sleep. I'd come home from work she'd be asleep, wake up for dinner and be asleep by 7PM. Three plus years of not doing things together took it's toll. Her affair with co-worker started at this new job.

After coming back from vaca on 9/02 she had moved back with D24. On 9/26 she told me she wanted a D. I stopped seeing her as often, would only see her at D's house if I was invited over by D. On 10/15 I had quad bypass surgery. She came to see me in hosp every day, but only for about 1.5 hrs. 11/09 she filed D papers. I'm currently not working and won't until 1/15/08, guess her atty told her to file at this time.

I want to still try to work it out between us. Do I drag out the divorce, or go along with it. While we were seeing a MC, Mc said W was having a midlife crisis. W said in counseling she didn't know what she wanted or had any outside interests. Kids were adults now and didn't need a mommy. So do I drag my feet as much as I can, or go along with the D?

Mike

[micoms]

Wanting to hear from fellow DBers about how to proceed, drag my feet or just go with the D?
One thing good about the separation is W was the one to keep in touch with the kids. I have been talking more to my children. S25 & D19 still live in the house with me. (S25 is trying to get a job as a police officer, doesn't want to sign a lease then have to move into the city or community where he is working.)D19 & S25 have been very helpful to me in my recovery. I talk to S26 about twice a week, go over his house to see him, his W & my granddaughter about every 2 weeks. I talk to D24 about four times a week, she works for an eye doctor and gets weekdays off. She gets me out of the house and to a mall to get my walking in.

[ladydi1127]

micoms, I'm all about dragging feet. Not the best person to advise you on DBing, but I think give her more time to think. Sorry to hear about your surgery. Hope you are feeling better. Check our rejoiceministires.org.
LadyDi

[lushmd]

micoms, I'm all about dragging feet. Not the best person to advise you on DBing, but I think give her more time to think. Sorry to hear about your surgery. Hope you are feeling better. Check our rejoiceministires.org.
LadyDi

Sorry to meet you in this venue, but if its of any help, my counselor suggested the same thing (delaying/stalling as much as possible to give the other person time to really think and clear their heads).

[micoms]

Thanks ladydi and lush, that is what I was thinking. I'll have to get an atty now. Got a response on legalmatch.com, atty said court can grant a 90 day conciliation if both parties don't agree. Don't want to run up atty fees too much.

One thing our sep has done for me is I'm closer to my kids now, have S26, S25, D24, D19. W was the one to call them and keep me updated on them. I call S26 twice a week and go to his house About 2x a month. I see D24 at least 2x week, she works for an eye doctor and get weekdays off, takes me to the mall just to get out of the house. S25 & D19 live at home with me and have been a great help the first weeks of my recuperation. W is living with D24, D's BF & our GS (grandson). But both S's she has little contact with, calls S25 about once a month or less, has been to S26's house maybe twice in the past year. She works terrible hours 4AM to 1PM. She will fall asleep anywhere at about 6 to 7PM.

I thought W was reconsidering our sitch, She called S26 on her way to annual trip to Gatlinburg with girlfriends. While talking to her he said she started crying, when he asked her what's wrong she told him she was depressed. Odd your on the way to a fun weekend with friends and your depressed! On 11/09 she filed for the D, haven't been served the papers yet.

Had been making changes, she noticed one> I'm a blue jeans and tee shirt kind of guy, but when I'm going to be around her it's Dockers & a dress shirt. She ask why so dress up, I said it feels nice after spending The last few weeks in hosp gowns & PJ's. Other changes are on hold cleaning & repairs to house, I've been upgraded to lifting, pushing or pulling 10lbs from 5lbs. Also been working on losing weight, lost over 50lbs since Feb, down to 213!!

[micoms]

Any other opinions on what to do? Should I drag my feet on the D or go along with it? I still want to work on making changes for myself and DBing. I want to work our marriage problems out. MC thinks W is in MLC. Our kids and I think she is also, of course she denies she is. I had talked to W about holding off on the D for a few months, I have great medical coverage, if we D she can't stay on it.

I truly am at a loss for what to do. I know if we work on it we can have a new and better marriage.

[christarn]

Micoms, You asked on a previous post what made me change my mind about wanting my H back, and deciding against the D...sorry it took me so long to respond to you, worked all weekend ;(!!!

1. I was born and raised Catholic, catholic schools etc...divorce is something that we don't believe in, a few months after I left, I truely started to pray again, and I try to go to church as often as I can...I made vow in front of God, unfortuntantly, I realized the meaning of it, a little too late

2. I made a vow in front of family, friends and God to love this man until death...most importantly I promised him, and when times got bad, i chickend out...I walked...something I doubt he would have never done to me

3. I realized that 75% of our fights were me trying to be a selfish bitch, I wanted things my way or no way. I went from living straight with my dad (who spoiled me wrotten!) to living with my H, it was treamendous culture shock, about 6 months after we married I went back to school, he was not working steadily, and I was just stressed to the max...I had NFC how to deal with it all, I caved, and walked.

4. I realize now that our main problem stems from lack of communication, and that simple things I can do would help to fix that.

5. My husband saw me thru the deaths of both my parents, he knew both of my parents and that is quality no man could ever replace, and a quality maybe someday he could teach my children about (nobody else could)

6. I miss my H's strong arms to snuggle into when I have a bad day or when I come home from work and just need to vent....or coming home to eat with him...it's the little things in every day life sometimes that matter the most

7. I think most of all just knowing not only did I let our marriage down, I let him down, and I live with that everyday, and I know what it's like to be in these shoes fighting hard every day to not call, text or drive over to see him, it's hell. I just wish that there were more things I could be doing to be actively saving my M, but at this point, I don't know what that would be. So for now, I just wait, wait and pray, pray a lot that maybe one day he will turn around and see that I'm sincere about wanting him back. That he can trust me not to turn and run when things get bad. Until that day comes, I'm here with everybody else riding this roller coaster!

I hope that maybe your W, will see things differently soon for you, take care of yourself...it's the only thing you can do thru all of this! Take care, Christa

[micoms]

Thanks Christa,

Good luck to and your sitch. Like you my W is Catholic.Her father died when she was 3, her mother when she was 14, then she lived with an aunt who is a devout Catholic.

W is in MLC, she said it herself in MC and MC confirms. She has lost sight of who she is in her own words. She has served me with D papers. Talked to an atty, meeting on 26th.

W said herself we can work it out but is afraid of it going back to where we're at now. I know I can't stop her & the D but I hope to slow it down to give her more time to come out of the fog. I've seen glimpses. I broke down an called her Fri night, I know against DB. We talked 1hr, no R. She came over with D24 & GS Sat morn. Good convo, again no R. When she left,walked out to her car to help with GS. Looking into her eyes i asked for a hug, she said ok. Leaning in for hug, still looking into her eyes, I thought about a peck on the lips. Thought better about that turned my head and she kissed me on the cheek. Maybe I see too much in this, but it seems she still has feelings.

Will see her on T-day, We always had it at our house, 4 weeks ago I had quad bypass surgery. I can't do it this year, D24 is having it, I'm paying for food and have to show her what to do. W has to work until 2PM, but will be there. A week ago she filed for the D.

I'm praying us and kids being together will make her think. Kids are against D, they see signs of MLC also.

[christarn]

Quad bypass, wow...I'm a cardiology nurse...where did you have it done at? sorry just curious? 4 weeks out how are you feeling physically with all of this going on?

Are you still in MC? My H, refuses MC....we were doing things for the first few months, but over the past 2 he has really retreated, I don't know why. Wish I did, would try to fix it.

Remember D's take time, lots of time, during this time, work on your changes and 180's...show her your stuff at T-day

Best wishes for a speedy recovery...keep up your walks...and coughing and deep breathing!!!

[micoms]

I live in Ohio, was done at Mercy Fairfield by Dr Patel.Physically i feel great. I referee soccer, typically do 3 games on Sat 3 or 4 on Sun. They say you get in 1 to 11/2 miles of running, jogging and walking in one game. Blood sugar, cholesterol, bp, etc fine, had a physical before problems. Family history got me. Since Feb I've lost over 55lbs!!!. Down to 208, was 220 before surgery. Was over265 at one time. Started cardio rehab last Wed, told them today their not working me hard enough. I don't break a sweat and pulse rate only goes up to 100, starts at 93. Mentally I'm down, with my sitch and unable to do anything, bored outta my mind.

I'm not in MLC my W is. We were seeing a MC and MC confirms. kids also see it. W works horrible hours, 4AM to 2PM no weekends off, two days off during week. D19 goes out during the week,W would go out with her sometimes. D19 told me today W would act like she was 20 when out with her, it was embarrassing. Looking back W MLC probably triggered by D19 then 16 met a 22yo weasel who convinced her to runaway from home. That summer she ran 4 times. This broke W's heart. Came home finally when weasel got caught picking her up from school. Was held no bond, he skipped on last one. He spent 1 yr in jail with 1yr in state pen suspended. When D was away from him she saw what he was. What she tells me now, if I'd have known then what he did to her, I'd probably be in jail now.

Now W lives with D24, d"s BF and GS. Her life is about the same as when she was home. Go to work, come home, sleep, wake up for dinner and back to sleep. I guess I felt rejected because I'd only see her awake for dinner, we'd never go out on weekends because she never got them off. Only about every 3 or 4mos. I withdrew felt her job was more important than me. I never strayed or flirted with other women though some would come on to me.

She on the other hand had at least one EA/PA possibly 1 or 2 more. I know it's part of MLC cycle, I can forgive her. I want to work on M. She wants to run away from it.