Okay, I DEFINITELY have something to journal about now!
My good friend whose fiance is good friends w/ my W came over today. I had mentioned that my W was being kind of short and rude to me lately because she is getting impatient with the D process. He then said that lately she's losing it -- whenever he sees her all she does is complain about how life isn't fair. He said at first it was just about being broke all of the time, and how she's mad at me because I haven't put the house up for sale yet (so she "and her BF" can get "their" half of the money to buy "their" own place). However, over the last few weeks he said she's been complaining more and more about the OM (I guess they've been having problems for about a month now -- ironically since about the time she moved in with him! . Apparently he never touches her anymore and always comes home and either goes in his room and watches Sportscenter or goes right to bed. Also, it sounds like she always has to cook and pick up after both OUR kids and OM's kids because he doesn't ever do any of it (which makes me kind of chuckle because I used to have to do ALL of this in our marriage). On top of this, another mutual friend has told my friend that every time she has gone over to W and OM's place during the last month, all she sees them do is fight.
Now, this doesn't mean she will or wants to come back to me. In fact, it is my understanding that she still dislikes me a great deal and can't even stand the sound of my voice. However, as wrong as it might be, I'm actually pleased to see her being so miserable of late with OM. I'm so glad that he isn't the White Knight she originally made him out to be, and I honestly can't wait to see their R plunk into the toilet! And, if she DOES decide she wants to try to work things out with me (which, at least at this point, is HIGHLY unlikely), I think I'm perfectly content with telling her I'm not ready to do that at this point. She is still blaming me and the world -- basically everyone but herself -- for her unhappiness, and until she can look inward and begin making changes in herself, I don't want an R/M with this woman. Apparently all she ever does is get angry, bitch, and complain about her life. My friend said that he actually had to give her some money not too long ago to help her out.
It sounds like she has also began to lose her relationship with her boss at work. A few months ago, she was told that as long as she kept up the good work she was going to go corporate and get out of the store. However, she apparently slacked off for the next 3-4 weeks and someone else got the job. Apparently she was being evaluated and when she quit coming in to work for days at a time and/or coming in late everyday, she shot herself in the foot. So after this, she was told she might get a job as a Store Director (i.e. run her own store). This, too, was instead given to someone else. The word now is that she might even lose her job if she keeps it up.
Boy, life sure is tough!
She's going to have to hit rock bottom before she takes any responsibility for getting there, and even then I don't know if she can/will -- she's awfully stubborn!
Something else that recently happened which now has me reconsidering my mediation agreement to give her half of the sale of the house (I still haven't signed it) has been her attitude toward me. She's been increasingly impatient and rude with me because of the slower than expected D process. Yesterday, I was getting ready to sign off on the D, read something in the D decree that I didn't notice before -- that I was to have the house up for sale no later than November 1st. Now, a few weeks ago I talked to W and said that because the market is down I didn't want to put the house up for sale and end up losing money on it (since we just bought it last year). She acted like she understood this, and didn't argue with me about it. However, when I called her yesterday and left a VM telling her that I didn't want a time limit set on when the house was to be up for sale, and to call me to discuss it, she never called me back. That was yesterday at 1:00 and I still haven't heard from her. I'm now thinking more and more that I no longer want to give her the 50% of the house. Actually, I'm thinking about doing one of the following:
1) Only give her 25% of the house sale (still about $125,000), or
2) Offer to buy a house for her and the kids that is UNDER MY NAME, and just act like a landlord for it (fix problems as they occur, pay the property taxes, etc). That way, me or the kids don't lose ANY of my inheritance money, and W can begin saving some money on her own since she will live rent free.
Recently, I also cut a check for $23,000 to pay off her students loans. I did this because she asked me to -- she said she couldn't make any payments and her credit was being affected. She said she would pay me back once she received the money from the sale of the house. I said okay, but now I'm thinking that at this point I will just tell her not to worry about it, and then go the route of one of the choices above.
I no longer believe she should be entitled to all of this money. I've come to realize that I bought a lot of things and did a lot for us over the years, which definitely compensated for her paying all of the bills over the years. Also, the fact that her and her BF sound like they're licking their chops and just waiting for the money (I guess they talk about it all the time -- about how they'll buy a house, then keep some of it left over to go to Vegas and such), makes me not want to do this anymore. I'm just not happy with this idea of OM also benefitting from my money anymore. I feel like I'm being used -- like she's just using me to get this money. She doesn't give two sh!ts about me even as a friend or father of her children. She could care less about me, and frankly I'm feeling this more and more about her because of it.
Again, I want the kids to be comfortable at both households, but I don't believe my W (or OM) should benefit monetarily for this. I think buying a house and letting them live in it rent free is fair enough, and though it is in some ways controlling, I don't believe it is unreasonable. Why should she get &125,000 to $250,000 of which came from the death of MY family? I can't really come up with one solid reason, and the more I think about it, I need to protect this money for ME and MY KIDS -- NOT FOR HER!
She chose to leave, she needs to live with the reality of this choice. Life's a bitch -- so sorry about that, W! Maybe you shouldn't continue being one too!
Okay, now I'd really like to hear what everyone thinking about this. Am I justified in my thinking? What do you think I should do?
I think buying a house and letting them live in it rent free is fair enough, and though it is in some ways controlling, I don't believe it is unreasonable. Why should she get &125,000 to $250,000 of which came from the death of MY family? I can't really come up with one solid reason, and the more I think about it, I need to protect this money for ME and MY KIDS -- NOT FOR HER!
I wondered when you'd get to this conclusion.
I agree with you that she's not entitled to the money - I'd go for what she's legally entitled to and that's all, personally. Have you signed anything legally yet saying she'd get the $$?
As for the rest, I definitely would NOT buy a house "for" her and the kids to live in. That's way too controlling, way too much enmeshment in her future life, and just wrong on soo many levels. Let her figure out where she'll live and how, that's not your place anymore. As long as it's safe for the kids, that's all you need to be concerned with.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
It must be nice to hear your suspiscions about how the OM will look when he shows his true colors are correct. You are right, though, not to assume that she will come running back to you just because things w/ OM aren't rosy. You don't want her coming back to you for that reason anyway. You seem to know what you want and what you don't want and that is awesome!
I know it has to be hard to watch her go on the downward spiral that she is going on, though. It might be what she has to do in order to really get her life back together. I have so many people telling me that they pray for my H to be 'broken', which makes me laugh to hear them say that, but I understand what they mean by it. Sometimes you have to hit bottom before you can even think about heading back up.
As far as the money issue, with it being your inheritance, it is truly your money, and I can see how it would be irritating to know that W and OM are salivating over getting their hands on it. I agree w/ Nikki, that I would give her the % of money over buying a house for her. Can you still change the amount of the % that you give to her? I am sure you are more than aware that she will not be happy with you lowering the amount of money that she gets. If you are prepared for the fallout from that, then go for it.
GD-- Can you just set up trusts for the kids? You can even have an outside "professional" manage the trust, paying out things like support (% of a mortgage payment, etc.) rather than give your W more than required. That way, you know that you are working with the best interests of the kids in mind, without rewarding W for her unacceptable behavior and any of her present/future parasitic "boyfriends" who can probably smell the $$ on her a mile away...
I hope that you didn't sign anything yet--get with a lawyer ASAP. I think that your W and my H are on the same ship to the bottom, and we just have to sit back and watch them sink.
I'm struggling with what to do exactly, but I'm pretty sure now that I'm not going to give her a dime because I honestly don't feel like she deserves it anymore (I think my motive was a mixture of guilt and incentive -- both poor reasons, though it did have something to do with making sure my kids are comfortable at both households). I've done A LOT for her both recently and over the years, and though I made some horrible mistakes and exercised poor communication and behavior over the years, I don't feel guilty anymore. I've accepted my role, made the necessary changes in myself and my interactions with W, and have owned and released my mistakes. I cannot and will not buy her forgiveness. It just isn't healthy, and she is not deserved of any of my inheritance.
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I agree with you that she's not entitled to the money - I'd go for what she's legally entitled to and that's all, personally.
I think that's pretty much where I'm at now, though I'm continuing to mull it over (48 hr rule).
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Have you signed anything legally yet saying she'd get the $$?
NOPE -- WHEW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm so thankful for this now!
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Let her figure out where she'll live and how, that's not your place anymore. As long as it's safe for the kids, that's all you need to be concerned with.
Great point -- thanks for the reinforcement!
Kat,
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It must be nice to hear your suspiscions about how the OM will look when he shows his true colors are correct.
You damn right it does!!! I even found out (forgot to post this earlier) that this guy actually has some kind of memorabilia box that contains things from his 2 past marriages, which includes naked photos of both of his exs! W knows this, and apparently it ticks her off (duh!). All I can say is: What a dumb arse! He obviously hasn't learned a stinkin' thing about how to make a relationship work (or just doesn't care about my W too much, and by the choices it sounds like he's making I think it's both!).
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You are right, though, not to assume that she will come running back to you just because things w/ OM aren't rosy. You don't want her coming back to you for that reason anyway.
Nope, sure don't. In fact, I don't want her back until she's ready to invest 110% in both herself and the changes needed there, as well as the M itself. And even then, I'm going to have to think carefully now... She's going to have to prove herself over a decent period of time before I take her back. She certainly won't come back to me for convenience sake, that's for sure.
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As far as the money issue, with it being your inheritance, it is truly your money, and I can see how it would be irritating to know that W and OM are salivating over getting their hands on it.
Very much so -- that's something that pisses me off now to no end. They're actually making plans together around it, and it isn't even deservedly hers! It is going to be for my kids, and I will not give her the satisfaction of using me so her and her BF can be comfortable.
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I am sure you are more than aware that she will not be happy with you lowering the amount of money that she gets. If you are prepared for the fallout from that, then go for it.
I am quite aware of this, and am definitely prepared for it. I've realized that she isn't the woman I want to be married to and raise a family with. I'll be much better off raising the kids without her given her current values. I'm pretty sure this move could severe any possible chance of reconciliation EVER, but it's a move I'm ready to take. I'd like things to be different, but I'm just fine with not being with her ever again.
Thanks for your feedback ladies -- always appreciated!
I agree completely with Donna and the others, give her only what is required. You can always help the kids out directly, not through a permanent situation like renting her a house.
Let her go completely and then see how much she misses you.
SD
PS - thanks for the PMA boost, I need it right now.
Me 41 W 41 Kids: S9 S7 Married 16 years Bomb dropped 2/2/07 Still living together! current thread
Not sure why I'd want to pay for her mortgage payment if she doesn't deserve it or isn't entitled to it. That's kind of the point I'm trying to make.
I will set up trusts for the kids, but W will not get squat from these or anything else. Our child support is waived, since we both make equal amounts in terms of our earning potential and we have agreed on joint legal and physical custody of the kids. I just paid off her $23,000 in student loans last week -- that's the last thing she's getting from me.
Did you read what I found out about OM and his R with W? In two words -- small victory! Though it may be wrong of me to feel this way, I'm pumping my fist Kirk Gibson style (for all you baseball fans).
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Let her go completely and then see how much she misses you.
She's not going to miss me -- she's going to be pissed at me (possibly forever!)
GD - sounds like you're getting there, but I think you should go with what's legal in your state. No more, no less. It's not about the mortgage, who pays which bill... if you owe her support (child or spousal), pay it. If not, don't. Let/make her figure out the rest. Take the emotion out of it for a minute and look at it as a PURELY business decision. I think it'll be quite clear what to do.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
I am just beginning to see this stuff about the house. So I want to check the facts. You got an inheritance, and then paid all cash for the house putting it in both names? There isn't a mortgage?
. Apparently he never touches her anymore and always comes home and either goes in his room and watches Sportscenter or goes right to bed. Also, it sounds like she always has to cook and pick up after both OUR kids and OM's kids because he doesn't ever do any of it (which makes me kind of chuckle because I used to have to do ALL of this in our marriage). On top of this, another mutual friend has told my friend that every time she has gone over to W and OM's place during the last month, all she sees them do is fight.
