What about some more concrete questions, following Love Languages? Do you feel more loved when I cook you breakfast or when I let you know how much I appreciate you doing (something)? Etc....
Maybe he really is out of touch with his emotional needs, maybe he doesn't have the words to describe them.
Quote: Maybe he really is out of touch with his emotional needs, maybe he doesn't have the words to describe them.
maybe I should just buy a copy of love languages and leave it somewhere for him???
I did leave the c form with the bills I folded for him and in snooping in his truck last night (ya ya shame on me) found it in a manila envelope?? odd place for it but better than the trash I suppose..don't know if that means he's considering filling it out or if he just didn't want to throw it away??
maybe if I leave the book around he might be inclined? maybe not...don't think it can hurt much..as he does seem commited to trying to make things work and is trying to hear what my needs are...perhaps in reading a bit he might discover what his are?? or it may just confuse the hell out of him.
today I feel like taking a ride down...ringing ow's doorbell looking at her and then driving away..I really wish I knew what she looks like...then I wouldn't think of her whenever I see someone who I think may look like her..but then I know I'd be tempted to spit at her or beat her over the head with a copy of dr... wonder if her h is still living there...if they are still getting a d...if they are talking etc??? does it matter to my sit...probably not...so why do I care??? because I simply do...I don't like divorce...I don't like for families to be torn apart for no good reason...probably the only reason for me to have tried to save a m that I wasn't happy in to begin with.
LL who still isn't totaly sure what it is she wants either, but at least she's willing to talk about it!
Well, I have to agree with KAW. I think our Ses don't want to face the fact that they've inflicted great pain upon us. They don't want to face the guilt, etc. I know my W simply likes to think that I'm floating through this thing pretty well without too many bumps. When does she acknowledge my pain? When I happen to mention that I'm hurting. She NEVER just comes out and says that she's sorry...but she has already any number of times...in tears. So, what good does it do for me to keep having her relive her guilt when I know she already has it?
Just because our Ses don't say anything doesn't mean they don't feel guilty. Talking about it just makes it worse...
LL, I have asked my W what she needs so we can try and work things out. I'm pretty much met with a roadblock here because she has as much said that I'm doing pretty much everything that she could want. When we went over our exercises in the "After the Affair" book I tried to identify what I could do for her, and she had VERY little to add. My list you ask? Well, like yours would be, mine was quite large.
I bet when your H responds that he doesn't know his needs, he's probably pretty happy with the things you do for him. Maybe he just doesn't have too many complaints? At this point, I know my W doesn't. It's frustrating for us because we want to "fix." We can't fix them, though, as they need to fix themselves. We're pretty much helpless here.
will I ever feel good in this r?? will I ever feel confident that h isn't going to leave? will h tell me he loves me? will h ask me to put my ring back on? will h be happy? is h happy? will I ever be able to walk up to my h and give him a big hug when he walks in the door? (right now I am afraid to I wait for him...I don't ignore him and am not cold..just indifferent...I hide behind the kids..even when he leaves in the am I don't go to kiss him good bye...when the kids go to the door to kiss him I stand back until he looks for me or asks for me) I don't like it this way... I don't like feeling that I can't just call my h during the day to say hey wsup?? having to hide behind son calling him... I don't like all the uncertainty... I don't like the indifference I am often met with.. I don't like acting indifferent when I am not.
I don't know how long I can keep up this stuff...I feel like I am just waiting for something...and fear it will never come and I will be left with an empty life...not empty of "family"..or a life of my own...but a rather empty r...
at night now I find myself getting in bed and wishing I were in it alone... I did after all spend a year in it alone...before h left at the end of my pregnancy he stayed on the couch (supposedly to give me more room, whatever) and then after she was born stayed on the couch because his sleep was being disturbed (ya again whatever) then left for 6+ months...so honestly I sleep better when he's not there.
I am swaying again aren't I...
I just get tired of waiting for something and I don't even know what I'm waiting for.
a hug a smile a kiss an invitation a response neg or possitive either will do something???
LL kreeping back into waw mode once again as the snow melts..
I used to look forward to h comming home from work..even when he wasn't really here but was simply here...I used to want to do things with h..even when he didn't want to do things with me...
I find myself now not really caring one way or another if h work round the clock...when it snows..I just don't feel like I care anymore..and I know that is not the way it is supposed to be...I've grown to expect nothing from h...I still get a bit resentful at him for being here but not fully being here perhaps he is here as fully as is capable for him and not because part of him is elsewhere but because there is just something wrong with him??
I don't know??? but the one thing I do know is...this m isn't going to last and if for some stupid reason it does...it will not be a healthy one for at least one of us.
LL, I know we've gone over this before, but at some point I really think you need to say something to your H. Maybe be honest with him about how you're feeling? I know you're kind of afraid of his response...whether he'll just be apathetic about your feelings or not, but maybe you need to try. It's high time he begin to deposit credits into your Love Bank. Seems you are really running dry.
Now, to switch gears a moment, has he not been a bit better about making those deposits? When he went outside of the V-day box, didn't you feel a bit better? When he found your earrings, didn't you feel better? Has he not been a bit more "present?" As frustrated as you are with the incredibly slow progress, it's important to recognize that he is trying.
I think what's going to happen over more time is you will continue to gravitate towards being a WAW. Eventually it will get to a point where you won't be able to stand it any longer. And what will happen if (and when) you meet someone who meets some of your needs? Perhaps before things get worse you should be very clear with your H about some expectations you have about your R? I think it's fair that now that he's home, he listens to some of your needs and follows through with them. It almost seems like with each passing day, you feel as though you have less and less to lose. So, what would it hurt?
I have very clearly stated to h how I feel...that if things continue the way they are I better not leave the house cause I am sure to have an a once someone gives me the things I am asking for...
h knows what I want and v day was a perfect example...after thanking him for all the gifts I said...do you know what my favorite gift was?? h said yes...the fact taht I gave you two hugs....
so h does get it...he does know...
the day h came home to look for my earings...first thing he did when he got here was pull me aside and give me a hug..
h knows what I want and need...is just cheap with it...
I have been a bit short lately..not sharp just short...h has on a couple occasions...said what's wrong with you?? I say nothing...cause honestly how many friggen times can a woman tell you and in how many different ways...you know you hear her..you know what she wants...how simple it could all be...what are you so afraid of...why don't you want to have a happy wife...what's the big deal...when you come in the door...grab her..hug her tight..kiss her cheek...ask her to sit on the couch with you...she is after all willing to watch your boring repetative cnn with you...say i love you to her...tell her she looks nice...smells nice...tell her something...about her...not the damn dining room wich you didn't want her to do in the first place!!
basically the only way h may wake the hell up is if I stop threatening and actually call a lawyer get the papers and give them to h...
is h even capable of doing the work it would take??? maybe not with me...he did after all convince an ow of his love for her enough so that she would leave her h for him...so maybe h just doesn't belong with me...
LL there never was anything for me to loose cept for the "family" when h left. was part of why he left...he knew I felt that way.
Perhaps before things get worse you should be very clear with your H about some expectations you have about your R? I think it's fair that now that he's home, he listens to some of your needs and follows through with them. It almost seems like with each passing day, you feel as though you have less and less to lose. So, what would it hurt?
