Hi..boy you guys sure got the storm...will it be melted by June??? Sounds like you are doing ok despite h not being around too much..that's good...good luck on the meeting with ambulance co. hope it all works out for you. Take care...KAW said spring is only 33 days ..yipee Sue
Sorry for being so needy last night. Just having a bad day. Again. Hope DD is doing okay. Maybe today you can get out and enjoy the warm weather. 42 feels like spring!
as always folks thanks for stopping by, it's always a little pma boost to see posts on my thread!!
dotto, don't worry about being "needy" I understand completely...dd has a very bad cold...that is why she was crying she wanted mommies full attention!!
so things are things...looking for the simple little things and trying to stay possitive..
last evening when h got home he let me know that he will be taking on the task of cleaning some roofs...and even elaborated on a conversation he had with buddie about helping him..even though it's simple stuff.. I appreciate it cause for so long h had stopped talking to me about such things...I never really knew what he was doing.
well I attempted last night to make an advance at h...actually don't like to be too forward as i have dealt with years of rejection from h so I try not to humiliate myself to much in that regard...but when we were lying in bed I did say..hey are you asleep..h said yes...then I said..hey..are you "really" asleep...h said yes...oh well so I left it at that...tried not to get pissy about it and went to sleep myself...what can ya do.
h over slept this am...made a joke at himself last night saying "i actually have to be at a certain place at a certain time" oh well...h thanked me for waking him...I told him to be carefull on the roofs...h said he probably wouldn't be on the roof he'd be on the ladder (nice to be the boss send your employees into danger and keep safe on the ladder) well I asked him to call me when he finished each house so I know he didn't get hurt or anyone else either...he smiled.
so off he goes..
still feeling myself headed once again down the negative train...I wonder how much of a correlation there is with physical contact or lack there of and my happiness with the sit??
met with the ambulance director...who as he gave me the tour and explained everything kept asking if he was scaring me away...they are in desperate need of a new facility but we'll have to wait for the voters to approve a new building.
so all I have to do is fill out a criminal record release..when that comes back and is ok'd (I don't think I have a record) then it's a major physical (like a 3 hour one) then I sign up for and take an emt course...have to find one that fit's around the vaca I am taking with the kids.. (going to fla with kids and some friends, h may come for a day or two) I'm pretty excited but also scared..I was told of one womans first three calls being bad ones...three cardiac arrests in a row and all three didn't make it...since she has had better calls but eeeeeggg!!
so another day...we'll see what the rest of the week brings..still have more painting to do in the dining room...took a bit of time off from that..all thats left is some trim (wainscotting) and the china cabinet..and then it's done.
Sounds like LL is having a few of those "normal" days.
Quote: still feeling myself headed once again down the negative train...I wonder how much of a correlation there is with physical contact or lack there of and my happiness with the sit??
You know, I do the exact same thing. If I don't get some sort of physical attention from my W, then I feel distant from her. And, after sex, I usually feel pretty good about things. (why is it that I'm talking about sex so much lately on my posts?) It does seem like your H is trying a little harder in this department?
Quote: still have more painting to do in the dining room...took a bit of time off from that..all thats left is some trim (wainscotting) and the china cabinet..and then it's done.
Taking you long enough... No, I understand. I built and installed a chair rail in my office, then painted different colors above and below it, so I know how long this stuff takes.
it's beautiful outside...like 44 a major difference to the freezing temps of prior weeks!!
dd has bad cold...little snot face!
had a friend come over and stay with her so son and I could go food shopping..
had a recieved call when I got back to the car from h...no message...
just having negative thoughts today..
how could h knowingly spend so much time with ow...how could h just sit and keep his mouth shut for so long when I'd ask if he thought this was the way it was supposed to be...all along knowing he wasn't happy but not saying anything..then all along knowing he was having an innapropriate r with another woman and still not saying anything about it...leaving etc...lying etc...
I wonder if I am having to deal with all these feelings...shame, embarrasment, humiliation, betrayal, despair, anger, frustration etc...is h even feeling anything or is he just happy to have the truth out and is merrily going about life as if it all never happend???
I am very frustrated that h wont go to c...or talk about us...
going with the flow..taking it one day at a time is fine and all but at some point these things will have to be addressed...and my fear is that by the time he's comfy and ready to discuss things I just wont care anymore..
so anyway as you can tell from my tone today...I'm heading back down the waw road...I don't like it I don't want to feel this way but really I am getting sick of "pretending" that all is well when it isn't.
"love is always having to say your sorry" why then does h take the stance that he already said sorry and now we have to move on...what if I'm not satisfied with that.
Quoting lostlove: is he ... merrily going about life as if it all never happend???
I know with my W this seems to be the case and she seems to get upset when she discovers I don't feel the same way. Actually, I wish I knew how she does it. Lately, I catch myself thinking this week last year during the "dark" period, she was doing this or saying that. But what good will come out of rehashing the past. Maybe they're right ... I've haven't tried acting "as-if" it never happened. Would like to try, but wonder how to pull it off?
On the way home from work tonite (I seem to do my best reflecting during the commute home for some reason) , I had sorta a revelation I think into what may drive our S to move forward as like nothing ever happened.
Basically, it is a defense mechanism that our S's use to avoid the guilt that they must feel for knowing they have caused us such hurt. Understandably, the feelings associated with that guilt must s*ck just like our feeling about being betrayed. They don't want to keep feeling that way, so it probably works for them to pretend it never happen. It continues to work for them as long as we "play" along by not making any references to the betrayal ... and there lies our catch-22 ... because we continue measure their actions now in reference to their betrayal as our defense mechanism (DM) to prevent the possibility of being hurt again. Unfortuantely, our DM appears to be not very affective and doesn't work, because in order for it to work it would mean a breakdown in their DM, which will make them feel like crap.
I hope that made some sense?! Do others agree? If so, there seems to be a conflict of interest in each others DM being used to help deal with the hurt. If this is the case, it seems we need to discover another means to nuture the healing. Any ideas on what these means could be? The obvious one would be in MC where both can feel safe enough to let their DM's down to work together on the healing process, but what can be done when S doesn't want to participate in C for whatever reason?
LL, I hope you don't mind me placing this here, but I hope we can both benefit from any advise given on this and it was your post that got me thinking along these lines.
Quoting KAW: On the way home from work tonite (I seem to do my best reflecting during the commute home for some reason) , I had sorta a revelation I think into what may drive our S to move forward as like nothing ever happened.
Basically, it is a defense mechanism that our S's use to avoid the guilt that they must feel for knowing they have caused us such hurt. Understandably, the feelings associated with that guilt must s*ck just like our feeling about being betrayed. They don't want to keep feeling that way, so it probably works for them to pretend it never happen. It continues to work for them as long as we "play" along by not making any references to the betrayal ... and there lies our catch-22 ... because we continue measure their actions now in reference to their betrayal as our defense mechanism (DM) to prevent the possibility of being hurt again. Unfortuantely, our DM appears to be not very affective and doesn't work, because in order for it to work it would mean a breakdown in their DM, which will make them feel like crap.
I hope that made some sense?! Do others agree?
This makes complete sense to me! I'd had this sense of "conflicting DMs" all along in our M -- my need to talk about EVERYTHING vs. his need to avoid all conflict, etc. I KNEW that I was struggling with needing verbal reassurance from him (details, apology, etc) regarding his A. and that he seemed just not interested but I hadn't really been able to see it as an extreme case of battling DMs until you put it into words.
Quote: If so, there seems to be a conflict of interest in each others DM being used to help deal with the hurt. If this is the case, it seems we need to discover another means to nuture the healing. Any ideas on what these means could be? The obvious one would be in MC where both can feel safe enough to let their DM's down to work together on the healing process, but what can be done when S doesn't want to participate in C for whatever reason?
Well, I'm not sure I have the solution but I'd say that if each person is willing to step outside their comfort zone slightly, then, some progress can be made. For instance, while my knee-jerk reaction is to discuss everything ad nauseaum, I have actually done a lot of the work (getting through my grief, working on the sense of betrayal, etc) silently and on my own. Maybe this seems unfair but it became really clear, really fast that H. wasn't going to be willing to deal with the aftermath in the way that I needed. In fact, marriagebuilders.com and "after the affair" really depressed the hell out of me in the beginning because H. just wasn't fitting the mold of the "total repentent spouse". But, I figured out that I could be really pissed about that and get nowhere OR I could try to work things out a bit on my own, strengthen the marriage in the meantime and see where that takes me.
I DO think that my H. has a responsibility to edge away from his security too -- that means having the conversation when he doesn't want to, etc. But, as I said above -- whereas I may have initiated 10 conversations in the past, now I'd only initiate 1 or 2.
Has it worked? Time will tell, I think, but, our M. feels stronger than it's been in a long time, I've learned a new way to deal with issues (and I feel so much calmer than I thought I would NOT talking about every little thing) and I think (but don't know for a fact) that H. appreciates the way I've handled things. AND, he's definitely showing signs of be willing to involve himself -- just this past weekend, he apologized for creating a scenario where "even email is suspect" after we had a brief argument re. my feelings of insecurity when he checks his email late at night.
Small steps, right?
--Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
LL..thanks for your post..sounds exciting for your emt job..that has to really give you a boost..I feel good for you..KAW really had some stuff to think about..the DM thing..how true that our s can't or don't know how to approach everything that has happened..c did seem to help, as h was able to freely open up..but for us he was so restless thst nothing was going to help until his need for being alone was met..seems like we wasted alot of time and $ going...take care..enjoy thte "warmer" weather..it is going to be 50 in northern Il today!!! Sue
thing is h's way just like sage's h was to always just avoid things..never mentioning that anythings wrong...
now if h is dealing with guilt and remorse about what he's done and said and letting it all out the one time that he did (back when he decided to try to come home) was enough to ease his concience to me though that seems odd I suppose I have to accept it...he got it off his chest made his appologies and I guess then I have to throw out the "love is always having to say your sorry line" it would be nice (for me anyway) if h did have these feelings for him to at least express them on some level to me...maybe he is on some level and I just don't see it because I'm so busy waiting to hear it..but then we don't speak the same language all the time..which leads me to my real issue..
I wasn't happy in this m...my needs weren't being met...I often ran down cheesless tunnel after tunnel trying to fix things...begging..pleading...blaming...crying...etc...to get nowhere...
obviously I wasn't the only one who was unhappy...if I was meeting all h's needs why would he spend time elswhere?? why would he leave?? because I wasn't happy??
I ask h...what are your needs? h doesn't know.. I ask h...what about me makes you want to be near me? h doesn't know I ask h...what about me (or what do I do) makes you want to run away? h doesn't know I ask h..where do you see us in ten years...h doesn't know..
h has NO answers to these questions...not even vauge ones...
I am not totally interested in talking about the a..what I am interested in is talking about what h wants and needs...what h's expectations of us are...what the future holds for us..what h's intentions for us are...is he staying for the kids?? does he plan to some day leave...really I just want to talk about something other than gee this is what I did at work today..a truck broke down bla bla bla this broke that broke...I'll be home at such and such...
weather. 42 feels like spring!
It does seem like your H is trying a little harder in this department?
No, I understand. I built and installed a chair rail in my office, then painted different colors above and below it, so I know how long this stuff takes.