I do not know h...never really did.... I do not know what h does all day... do not know his friends... do not know where he is all day, when he will be home, when he has to leave...
I just don't want to give a rat anymore and I mean it...I am so sick of living my life like this...I tolerated it before it was simply the way my life was....now in the face of all that has happend...ow...separation...wanting d..etc...why should I continue to stay in this r??? why??? h doesn't want to do any of the real work..just wants to make nice nice!!!
maybe some day h will decide to be open and honest with me once again...maybe someday h will want to get down to business and let me be his friend...maybe I'll still be open to the idea but chances are pretty high that by that point I will be spent and just wont care anymore!!!
when my h distanced from me and had a foot out the door and a heart for ow i refused to disapear. i showed up at his work with cookies, at baseball games with the dog, at his friends house just stopping by, etc. this was in 99 and it may have bugged the hell out of him but it felt like i was losing him anyway so why not. i refused to disapear. if you don't know what he does all day, show up. if you want. if you are really so unhappy, maybe you should stop focusing on the m and on what you are going to do.
it sounded like you had some real goals for yourself. go for them. make your life more about you and your future. your h does love you, but right now it doesn't seem to be the way you need him to.
have you guys tried c? what does your c say about all this? lisa
it is difficult for me to just show up as I don't know where to just show up!! h is a landscaper...it is his own business he could be anywhere...he could be at the shop and I know sometimes he is because I get knocked off line when he signs on to check the weather but that is only something he does during the winter...
he is not at the shop all day...he is there for a bit..then to the post office, an appointment, a job site, a customers house screwing the housewife??? I don't know???
the summer before last while I was preg with dd on the way home from doc appointments I would call him to see where he was so I could bring son to see him..then he was leaving home at 5:30 am and not returning til almost 7 or after...h would oblige if he was in the area would meet us at the shop but if I asked him to go get lunch or something he couldn't.
h works in an area that is about 30 miles from here a 30 min ride...to toss two kids (3 1/2 and 1 1/2) into a car and drive to just show up would be ludicrous...
what am I going to do??? live my life for me what else can I do...h doesn't get it or doesn't want to get it...honestly I should have been the one to walk away not him only difference being if I had walked I would not have come back as he has there would be no point.
h is not open to going to c..wont even fill out a questionare that my c gave me for couples entering c to give me an idea of where he is...wont read anything...wont talk about anything..
there is not much that I can do but live my life for me...that I know scares h...because when I told him that is what I will do...h said and just what does that mean...think it's a simple case of " I don't want to be with you...but I don't want you to be with anyone else either"
I've been waiting for to long for this man to open up...I know there is someone in there...for some reason he just doesn't want to share himself with me...
my c thinks maybe h is holding onto some anger or something..don't really know..how can we even begin to have a clue as to what's with h when h doesn't so much as say boo about us.
I don't know if h wants me to be affectionate toward him or just to leave him alone.
I don't know if h wants me to talk to him or just leave him alone
I don't know what h wants I really don't and when I ask h these things I get no answer...
it's just hopeless....
I am afraid...not afraid to live my life...not afraid that I can't live without h as a real part of my life....not afraid that I wont make myself happy...not afraid of things like that...what I am afraid of is ending up in an ea or pa of my own..
ll, it would be very difficult to pack the kids in the car and drive around looking for h. sorry, i hadn't thought of that. if you stay focused on your career goals, you may find you start to feel better about your sitch. your h may still change. fear is an incredible motivater and you mention h seemed scared about you living life just for you. lisa
LL, I know you're frustrated, and I do fear you becoming a WAW. Something in your post caught my attention:
Quote: I do not know h...never really did....
some day h will decide to be open and honest with me once again...
The last sentence kind of contradicts the first one. Are you sure you're not selectively choosing to remember what you want about the past? Seems you're getting ever closer to that WAW point.
I certainly understand your frustrations. However, when you really step back and look at things, I have to agree with KAW, your H does seem to be trying...ever so slowly. For whatever reason, you telling him what you want/need verbally just isn't working. Why do you think? Maybe this is the pattern that needs to change? I don't know, but it seems such a shame to just become apathetic after all of your hard work.
-Have you tried contacting a DB coach? -Have you tried the sticky note idea? -Have you "insisted" H fill out the form from your C?
I still think there are things to try before "giving up." I hate to see you so disheartened.
Sorry things have been so hard for you lately. I wonder what the anger he might be holding onto could be about? It's very difficult that he won't fill out the form. One thing to try might be to make it about you, not him or the R....your C thinks it is very important to get that info to help you work on you.
Happy Valentine's Day! Your generous heart will attract love one way or another.
some day h will decide to be open and honest with me once again... --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The last sentence kind of contradicts the first one. Are you sure you're not selectively choosing to remember what you want about the past? Seems you're getting ever closer to that WAW point.
I never really did know h...h always hid things from me, the only way I ever knew where he went with his friends was when his friends would be around and remenis stories...rrrgggg! I say open up once again because for a bit when h first came home he did seem to start to share little stories about things with me...telling me about his day etc...that has faded.
I am not becomming a waw...I am in the begining stages of waw and have been long before any of this even happened...honestly I did at times sit and think...well someday maybe something will happen to h and then I can find real love...horrible I know...thing is now I know h feels the same of me only he didn't wait til something happend to me he just went out and found it for himself and now is forcing me to live with it.
there really is not much that I can do or want to do at this point...honestly I don't think I even love h anymore...he is my h the father of our children etc...but do I really want to spend the rest of my life with him??? don't think so...will I leave soon...no...when will I leave..I don't know...will h try to stop me...no!! he will finally be free of me like he wants!
there is no point in my calling a db coach..what they will tell me is what I already know...leave him alone...be happy, be mysterious, do things for me that make me happy, no or or r talks, no talk of ow, act as if etc...
sticky notes? honestly would just piss him off...the old no matter what I do "it's not enough for you"
insitst that h fill out the c form?? last tues night I asked him to fill out the form, read a book, go to c, do something that shows me that he is truly interested in this r...h did nothing...I did however put his form in with his business bills that I folded stuffed sealed and stamped for him...(did notice no bill for ow, either he took it out or she didn't have any plowing or sanding done and no forwarded balance for the past months) I don't think h gives a rat...
and I am begining to think I don't give a rat anymore either...I will live in a nice house...take care of my children and do my best to get along with h so the kids can enjoy a "family" become an emt...a part of the community...after I get comfy with being a volunteer emt I will find a company that pays...pick up a few shifts...put the money asside..go to school...further my education...get my life in order...do things for me...and eventually if h doesn't change I will leave or ask him to. will he be schocked like so many of the men that come to this board..will he try to win me back...read books...suggest c...reflect...etc...nope..he will let me go. honestly if I were to call a lawyer today and start filing h would accept..hey after all he tried didn't he? he came home didn't he? he showed everyone that he did the right thing didn't he? he's made himself look like the good guy now hasn't he? I will be the bad, bad woman who leaves her h simply because he doesn't love her...I will be just as ignorant and selfish as the ow herself...I understand her always did the only part I didn't understand was how she could carry on a r with a married man...that I wouldn't be so ignorant to do.
there is no point to any of it..h will never change and honestly I don't want him to change I just want him to be him with me..that is something he doesn't want to do or just doesn't know how to do and he is unwilling to do what it takes.
what could h do to make LL happy?
go to c...even if just once by himself
ask me to put my ring back on...even if in a mad way "why don't you put your damn ring back on!!" I would gladly with a smile!!
ask me to go out somewhere with him...anywhere...I'd be happy to just go run an errand for christs sake!!
h to initiate sex or physical intimacy at least once a week (come on now it's been at least two weeks!!!)
h to tell me something funny or annoying about his day at least 3x a week
h to let me know what his schedule is...
h to let me know what his intentions are (is he staying around for the kids? will he stay forever or just till they are old enough?)
h to tell me that he loves me without me saying anything to prompt it
h to ask me to sit on the couch with him once again
h to call me during the day for no other reason than to say hi!! and let me know what he's up to.
h to consider me his friend
h to confide in me something
h to express some desire to have me around...ie...when I go out maybe call me and say "hope your having fun...I miss you" "wish you were here" or even a pathetic...please don't go out tonight I want to hang out with you.
h to be a h!!!! not just a breadwinner doing the right thing comming home to his poor little w and kids!!
I am to good for this...I am to much of a woman to feel this way...I am special...I've got umf (as some guy told me the first night h left...I couldn't stay home so went out with a friend and within an hour or so had a guy following me around like a puppy all night!!)
I am smart I am funny I am independant I am beautiful (hot damn!! yes I am!!) I am sexy I am adventurous I am loving I am considerate I am kind I am genuine I am sincere I am honest I am a lot of things that h see's and doesn't see I am a prize and should be treated as such or at least treated as someone special or important or of value...
in this r i feel dumb i feel ugly i feel fat i feel mean i feel useless i feel selfish i feel needy i feel unloved i feel boring i feel hopeless
h knows how i feel always has and yet h has never wanted to do anything about it...h's idea of how to fix things was to go make another friend...to leave his w etc...
I don't think any of it really matters anymore
so you fear I'm in danger of becomming a waw...I already am one!! I'm just not walking away!
let's see it's valentines day...let's see what last minute card h can scrape up...and gee will he foolishly spend ridiculous money on roses again even after so many years of my asking him not to on v day? will he not bother to get me anything...will we simply eat our chinese food while watching cnn and then go to sleep..will h try to initiate sex?? hope not because I don't want him to anymore...if I want "sex" i can go up to my room and have "sex" myself...i don't need a man for that...I want physical intimacy and h doesn't seem to want to be mentally intimate with me wich is where it should start!!!
honestly even as I type this I just feel empty...yes it bothers me to feel this way but the tears have faded the anger dull it's just numbness now total numbness!! when and if h does something will it be too little to late? probably so..but then h probably wont to anything anyway...h is content to live this empty life!!
