well all I can say is that h left some time in the wee hours to go out plowing...I was asleep but obviously not asleep enough because I remember h leaving...when he left h came over to me kissed my forhead and let me know he was going that he'd call later...and then asked if he could have a hug before he left...I sleepily obliged. h called this am to see how things were going round here...kaos!!! now I know why they invented school...to keep moms from going insane!! summer can't get here fast enough.
when h called he did ask if I had plans for tonight...I have a c appointment at 7 so let him know, then asked why he said just wondering. so maybe I shook something up with my taking a stance don't know...will have you know though that after all the things that I said to him..I let him know that I've never hated him (he thought I did over the summer) I've always loved him, respected him, admired him, and appreciated him.
maybe it was a dobson letter in words I don't know. still not expecting anything...
so far I've done a good job not making any mention of valentines day at all!!! hope I can hold it together if the day comes and goes with nothing from him.
Quoting lostlove: when he left h came over to me kissed my forhead and let me know he was going that he'd call later...and then asked if he could have a hug before he left...
Quoting lostlove: ...I remember h leaving...when he left h came over to me kissed my forhead and let me know he was going that he'd call later...and then asked if he could have a hug before he left...
...when h called he did ask if I had plans for tonight... ...so maybe I shook something up with my taking a stance don't know...still not expecting anything...
Just sit back and watch. While your H may never be comfortable with verbal expression, he seems to be more comfortable with responding by making positive changes in his actions. The key here is to catch him when he is doing it right and letting him know how you appreciate it. Then he is less likely to stall out by thinking there is nothing he can do to make you feel better, and then it will become less likely you will have to jumpstart the cycle all over again.
I was a bit more long winded when responding to Bob last night, but afterwards the words came to me ... encouragement to be more attentive towards each other on a personal level is the first step to sparking a higher level of intimacy in the R from which is the source of those feelings you wish to nurture.
let's see now...my h spent what he admits to being 3 times a week at this womans house for 30min or so and talking to her on the phone on a daily basis (and you know it wasn't to see how her kids were or to say what time he'd be home) left me and somehow was able to communicate to her his feelings for her whithout so much as a kiss...a passionate embrace??? am I a friggen loonatic or something...
this is why either want the words to come from h or for h to admit that his r with ow was infact a pa and not simply the ea he expects me to think it.
at this point I do not believe ow is totaly gone...maybe he doesn't see her as often or talk to her as often or at all but ow is indeed still there...she may never go away...and I do not want to have half a h.
if h doesn't love me the way he wants to love a woman then there really is no point and that is why I take my stance. he is free to do whatever it is that makes him happy. in the end it will be his loss cause ow isn't much of a woman!!
Quote: this is why either want the words to come from h or for h to admit that his r with ow was infact a pa and not simply the ea he expects me to think it.
LL, Based on what I've read on this board and in Michele's books, I doubt that either you or I will ever hear these words.
Aha! I’ve got it. There’s a central commissary where all of our WASs, betraying Ss, and distancing spouses go to eat the same common slop that turns their brains to mush and messes up their internal gyroscopes. Up is down, black is white, cheating is OK, lying is now permitted, skulking around with OP is terrific, and on and on. Y’all know the drill. And those of us who truly care for them, wish for our families to stay together and enjoy a wholesome homelife, are considered as mere conveniences by them. And that holds, whether they actually leave, or stay behind but live secret lives. All we can do in these cases, is to cultivate our own gardens, do those things for ourselves which we’ve surely been putting off (I know that I have); maintain that old PMA as much as possible; cool it with the pursuing, OR talks, snooping, begging, chasing; assuming an air of mystery; and, in general, distancing in a healthy way.
Re: the air of mystery bit, a funny thing happened today. By way of background, W has, on a couple of occasions, suggested that I “go out and find someone more compatible.” Mine is not to reason why, but perhaps it’s to justify her own extracurricular amorous activities. Anyway, this afternoon, I mentioned to her that I had spoken by phone with Ms.X, a very beautiful, desirable (and available) friend of ours who had moved away about five years ago. W asked, “Oh, and who called who?” I quickly added that I called her. W was taken aback somewhat but quickly recovered. I have the feeling that it’s little DB’ing incidents like this that possibly have a cumulative effect which just might lead to more consistent, desired behavior by the S.
I know how much frustration you must feel. By reading your post, I can relate completely the interactions with my W. I am a slow feeler, as my W is complaining that she could not understand my feeling. The only difference was that she walked out on me, while you stayed.
Hang in there, LL. All I can say is it takes time. I thought I was sensitive and emotional, but I also had a hard time trying to express my feelings in front of my W, no matter how much I tried. I know I'll get there. with time, your H will too...
If you would like to offer some advise of talking about feelings, I would love to get your thoughts on my thread...
I fear I am in danger unless I keep faith and ignore the part of my brain that tells me this will never get any better than it is...
h is trying he just doesn't seem to know what to say or do...and despite the fact that I basically am "holding up the cue cards for him" (is what my c said) h still doesn't know what to do.
was reading "charcoals" thread over in newcommers..she is a potential waw but is trying...her h has been asking her to commit and she runs off to the library or book store...his asking..pleading for her to commit is pushing her away...and yet she is commited at least temporarily she has not left, not filed, cut off om, is comming here seeking advice etc... interesting..I told her that perhaps since she cannot pledge her undying love to h to show him that commitment she could simply tell him that she is commited to trying to make the r one in wich they can both feel happy and fullfilled. she had not thought of putting it that way...wish I could be an annonomous person telling that to my h and getting him to say it to me. but then I should simply look and see that h is commited to trying just in his way...he doesn't always say or do what I want and sometimes doesn't say or do anything at all..but h is here and I have to place more meaning in that....he didn't have to come home as in his own words..we were doing ok with him gone.
charcoal mentioned a book "a piece of crap" she grabbed of the shelf for h...she began reading it and it made sense to her...it contains (loss for word...worksheets etc) to do together to open the line...get to know your partner better etc...maybe I will pick it up..look through it and see if it would be something non-threatening for h and I to do...make a game of it or something ya know.
I don't want to be un-happy and I don't want h to be un-happy...neither one of us wants to leave (well not really) so then something has to be done...if we can do it in a fun way then it is still getting done.
I have hope...for how long I don't know but patience is something I must keep.
btw...h finally mentioned v day...after a comercial for v stuff...said so what do you want to do? I told him I was leaving it to his discretion..so we'll see what happens.
You know, LL, I got kind of a wild thought when I read your post. So, you've told your H X, Y, and Z about what you need from him, yet he doesn't know how to implement your suggestions. You also mentioned the cue card analogy. What if you left sticky notes in odd places around the house to tell him what you want today? For example: - Leave one in his pants pocket that says, "Call me at 10:30 and tell me you love me." - Put one on the shower door that says, "give me a deep kiss ON THE LIPS before you leave for work." - Put one on his comb that says, "when you come downstairs for breakfast, come up behind me, put your arms around me and kiss my neck."
Perhaps leave one for him each day. Over time, hopefully by him actually doing these things, they'll sink in and become more "instinctive." Frankly, maybe you REALLY do need cue cards!
