I don't know the what's and why's of how this r has reached this place. I don't know if h is in mlc, ow withdrawal, never truly cared etc... and it serves me no good trying to figure it all out.
I am taking back my life. when h first left I was ok (maybe it was denial) I went out was happy did my own thing etc... then reallity set in that h wasn't comming home and I got lost...on came the anxiety attacks (passed out one morning while alone with the kids due to information overload) loosing weight so fast that others were concerned, not sleeping etc. but as time went on I accepted the sit...I was living for me doing my thing, enjoying my life despite the fact that I wanted h in it, stopped asking him to come home and started asking him to just get on with the d. h came to me wanting to try again...I stayed lovingly distant for a while..but as time went on and h started comming home more and more and finally started to live here once again I let go of me and put the focus back on "us" h is not ready to deal with "us"
I must get back to the place I was when h first came home...I must keep my distance from h until he is ready if that time comes great if not I'll deal with it when I'm ready to.
so back to me...I sent in the application to volunteer for the ambulance company and just called to make sure the got the ap.. seems they will accept me, I just have to meet with the director (who taught the cpr course I took) for a tour of the facility and some other things, fill out a few forms and get into an emt course. I'm physched!!!
the dining room is my project for now..it will keep me busy nights for the next few weeks.
this week mon night paint dining room (h may be out plowing and not home til tommorow, may stay at his appartment)
tues night c appointment then stop by home depot for paint for the china cabinet
wed night paint dining room
thurs night movies with a friend "how to lose a guy in ten days" should be a trip!
fri night paint dining room
sat night did have plans to go to a comedy show with another couple but they got sold out so ??? paint??
sunday go to mass 10 am!!!! ??????
just incase your wondering why so much painting in the dining room it has a chair rail and wainscotting so theres a lot to do, plus it's a brand new house with builders flat paint so the first coat get's sucked right in.
making a better life for me...h may join if not...his loss!!
I will be pleasant I will be kind I will be considerate I will be possitive I will do my own thing I will be me!!
? should I bother to make him breakfast anymore??? I don't want him to think I hate him that after all was his justification for ea well at least one of his justifications. mlc or what??
Quote: I was curious about this...wanting a little more info. Does he really say nothing? You know, in a way, he sounds like a lost soul, LL, drifting through life... It's entirely possible that when you say this and that to him about what you think his feelings are, he really doesn't know them himself, so he doesn't respond. Maybe the question is, how does one bring him back to the land of the living? Maybe the answer is to engage his other senses, that it really isn't your R, LL? From what you say, it sounds like he is (and will be with OM) this way with everyone. It sounds like he needs to engage life a little bit...get a taste of something he's been "overlooking" for seemingly many years. Maybe OW was simply a destraction from this pain?
don't really know how to answer all this. for the most part yes h really says nothing and mostly it is because he doesn't have any answers.
for the most part I see that h has very superficial r's with people, I don't know the true nature of the r he had with ow, maybe he was able to be open and talk to her I don't know.
it is not my job to pull h into the land of the living I've been doing that for 10 years I'm done trying to get him to live.
I always had a life...worked, went to college, had friends, went to parties, had parties, danced, sang, made new frieds, worked out (roller blading and gym) etc...h simply sat idly by when he would come to parties he'd fall asleep or get drunk, when I would visit him at his house he'd fall asleep, when he'd visit me at my house I'd fall asleep. when I turned 21 I started to frequent a local bar made some new friends and played darts and had a ball...when h would come he would sit up at the bar while I socialized, some people there didn't know he was with me. imagine going to a bar full of men with your girl and sitting at the bar while she plays dart with them???
I don't know what h wants of this r if he wants anything at all of it.
right now from what h has said he is here because he needs to be here. basically doing the right thing for the family. this in the end will not make h happy nor will it make me happy.
it's snowing and of course h needs to plow however the snow isn't supposed to end till somewhere around 11pm. h left about 11am and didn't plan to come home, intended to stay at his apartment and then go out plowing from there. of course this disturbs me and further sends the message to me that h just doesn't want to be with me.
I let him know ok fine we'll see you tommorow night then. h says what do you mean I said I'll be home sometime in the morning (I know how these storms work) anyway another session of me talking and h with nothing to say.
I let h know how it is that I feel and how what he says and doesn't say re-enforce what I feel and unlike he thinks it is not isolated insident after all I would be a hypocrite if I was just mad because he went out sat night...that it is a compilation of things said and not said done and not done. let him know that what seems to be the only way for me to survive in this r is to just shut down..to accept that my h doesn't want to talk to me to be with me or to "be" with me but that doing that may lead to trouble as I am a fun person, attractive, smart, likeable, sexy etc...and once I leave this house to go to work etc...someone is sure to notice that and what then do I do...say no I am married and accepting the fact that my desire to be wanted and needed and desired aren't being fullfilled but I accept it??
h says he's trying? I say h all I'm asking is that you talk to me..there never seems to be a good time so I say why not go to a c..that would be shceduled time to talk..do I want to drag up old baggage? no...I simply want to sit down and find out how we can each make the other happy...as it seems neither one of us wants to leave so since we don't want to leave why not do something to make it so we are happy?
told him I am done trying...I will live my life for me...h said nothing and so I said goodnight h.
h said he would call later to say goodnight to the kids.
the phone rang saw that it was h so I gave son the phone...
son daddy are you comming to my house? son drops phone on the floor
I give phone to dd who says bla bla bla and then walks away..
h asks what sons problem is... son is 3 that's what his problem is...I just said he wanted you to come home.
well h says he's leaving in a half hour and will be home...he'll wait out the storm here and then go out. thing is that both kids will already be asleep by the time he gets here so why come as he wont be here when they wake and I've already told him I'm done??
I scratch my head and wonder WTF????
I still plan to paint tonight...I have nothing left to say to h.
ball dropped.
I don't get it, h only wants to be with me when I give up??? when I say that I will be ok without him, that I don't need him? it baffles me truly baffles me.
LL who doesn't have an alien on her hands but a real weirdo!!
Quote: well h says he's leaving in a half hour and will be home...he'll wait out the storm here and then go out.
thing is that both kids will already be asleep by the time he gets here so why come as he wont be here when they wake and I've already told him I'm done??
Because he wants to be with you. Guys can be very stupid about expressing themselves to their spouses. Believe me - I'm one of them!
Quote: I don't get it, h only wants to be with me when I give up??? when I say that I will be ok without him, that I don't need him? it baffles me truly baffles me.
You're detaching from him - your sitch. He knows it and is trying to react to it the only way he knows how - by spending time with you. In a way it's a good thing but you want more. Frankly LL, you deserve more. To borrow something from my work with the outplacement service - he does not have your skill set. To put a humorous spin on it:
The wheel is turning but the hamster is d**d!
He's a few fries short of a Happy Meal!
He's two tacos short of a combo platter!
But what can you do? I like the items that you listed at the beginning of the thread - especially the one about the volunteer EMS. Spread your wings, LL!
I am far from a Christian person but I particularly like one of their sayings on the BB:
Let go, Let God.
Protect yourself - protect those wonderful children of yours. I need to go fix dinner for mine...
P.S. - Really this CyberSitter software W put on our home computers!
Quote: it is not my job to pull h into the land of the living I've been doing that for 10 years I'm done trying to get him to live.
Agreed. What I was kind of meaning (which I guess wasn't very clear) is that when you begin to really detach and do things for LL, maybe he'll gravitate towards you a bit more. He'll see you doing X, Y, and Z and want to participate. Was this the LL when your H first came home and seemed to be attentive for a few weeks?
Quote: I always had a life...worked, went to college, had friends, went to parties, had parties, danced, sang, made new friends, worked out (roller blading and gym) etc...
Okay...I guess I questioned the "extent" to which you have done this because of something else you wrote:
Quote: it is funny that when I tell people I am insecure they don't believe me when I tell people I am shy they don't believe me. when I tell people that I feel anxious when going out to parties and social gatherings they don't believe me.
My point in saying this is that doing the opposite of these things is a 180 for you. So, right now with all the activities you've listed in other posts, it certainly sounds like you are doing 180s. Were you doing these 180s when your H came back, then kind of stopped...only to restart recently? Is it possible that you fell into some of the usual R patterns of the past?
Quote: Is it possible that you fell into some of the usual R patterns of the past?
yup! foolishly I expected that i would be h's friend not his only friend of course becuase he is not mine. but I had hoped that we would do things together and be like best friends or at least close.
I still go out at least once a week and do my own thing although when h first came around there were nights when I would take off by myself and go to the movies or to a bar to play darts (can't do that cause it will lead to trouble feeling the way I do, last time I wasn't there 15 min shooting darts by myself and a man asked to play with me) don't mind going to the movies alone (actually I recomend it now)
I don't want to just go out all the time with my friends or myself and have my fun elsewhere...I want for h to be a part of my life...yes I want my own life and for him to have his...but I would like for OUR life to be more than put the kids to bed and then turn on the tv and that is the way it is unless I say let's go out (actually it's a 180 for him to accept, as before even when we'd get an invitation he'd decline...but hell I'd still go)
I wonder what if anything h will have to say to me tonight.
could be good, could be bad...I'm actually not even expecting him to say anything..once dd falls asleep I'm going to start painting. (have to wait til she's asleep as I don't want to have to go to pick her up while I have painty hands)
I for one second the guys opinion: we are sometimes just very slow. It is good that you keep a low expectation. On the other hand, your H is trying. He even admitted he was trying. That is some pride to swallow... (sorry, another guy talk as we tend to stick to beer bottle and little jokes rather than admitting that we are smushy )
Wish you good night painting. I sensed that your H noticed your change. He will catch up...
h is a strange one...he came...he lit fire..commented on my painting (wonder if I'm just making a big mess that I'll end up painting over anyway, oh ms doubtful that I am) get this one the man who likes all white walls and thought the room looked fine the way it was said "it looks good" "it's different, different is good" do do do do (twilight zone theme) so he sat and flipped through the news channels lit a fire..I went in to sneak a butt (only smoke in the house when the fire is lit and sit basically on top of it) h asks how much longer I'll be painting...a little bit..h says he's gonna sleep for a bit has to get up about 1 or so for plowing...will the alarm bother me or should he bring the alarm down to the couch? (HELLO IS THERE ANYBODY HOME??) I told him it was his choice. h again commented on the dining room and gave me a kiss on the cheek??
say something damn it!!! speak!
ok then so ??? I don't get it, don't get it, and know I wont be getting it tonight though I would love a massage but wont ask cause for some reason h's massages never stay innocent.
so I still don't know what's going on here but I continue to take my stance the ball is in h's hands now!!
LL, sounds like you are having fun painting...and h said it was nice...gave you a kiss..keep doing things for you..you have come along way since last summer...some bad days, but hopefully more good ones.. Sue
)
though I would love a massage but wont ask cause for some reason h's massages never stay innocent.