I just went through five days of deciding to work on this, now I'm right back to unsure. Sad part is that I would probably come out pretty clean from the D financially, I'm just really thinking of moving on.
I hear you, bro, and it is completely understandable. The WASs love to check out the picnic and then dart back into the castle. They take a step forward, then a step back, and this is what your sitch does too. She's still lost and unsure about what she wants to do. The only thing you can do is show her why she would be better off with you and that you are going to be okay and happy, with or without her. We all have to draw a line as to when we will have had enough and decide to throw in the towel. Sometimes that line moves, but only you know when it can't be drawn any farther back. I feel for you a lot right now, Atlas -- W is making horrible decisions, and whether or not this dinner date is with a guy or girl, what the intentions are, etc, the fact of the matter is she didn't have to tell you she had a dinner date and yet she did. She's testing your boundaries IMO (specifically the one about no dating while separated), and also testing your reactions to see if she can get a rise out of you. They expect us LBSs to respond in certain ways to negative things, and when we don't they get frustrated because it is difficult for them to make more justifications for why they should leave us.
I support you either way, Atlas. Make sure that the choice you make is something you can always live with. Can't say that one enough.
She's testing your boundaries IMO (specifically the one about no dating while separated), and also testing your reactions to see if she can get a rise out of you.
This is what mom told me that my W is doing to me, pushing my buttons to see if I'll blow up. She keeps bringing up things I did almost 7 years ago because I haven't given her any reason presently to justify her actions.
Me:38 W: 35 Married 11 years 2 daughters ages 7 and 3 D filed by her [url]http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1143353&page=2#Post1143353[/url]
Good Dustin! Eventually, she'll tire of bringing up old garbage. She's doing it to justify her reason to leave you. If there is nothing presently that can do this, then the past is what they resort to. If you keep DBing, listening and validating, you'll take out the wind in her sails and she'll be left sputtering with nothing else to go on. That's when reality sets in and the seeds of doubt finally begin sprouting...
thanks and you guys are right, she is testing, unfortunetly i failed it big time yesterday.
sorry righ shift key is broke, no caps.
my boss is going through the same thing with his w, turned him onto db'ing and he is reading. luckily his sitch isn't all lost, she wants things to work, 3 kids, but he found a few ea online. but they are doing well, he just feel insecure. well he was there when she called and asked what happened. told him, and he says you can't think the rest of the day, and we just finished a big project so he sends to the weekend early.
i meet a friend at a pub, and had a late lunch. he had some great advice. no matter what i have to get her to agree to file mutually, hammer out the details and the things we can't agree on we take to a mediator. well i was planning on hanging with him for the evening and some other friends. he had to take off to a family dinner for a couple and he drops me at his house. well i'm already drunk and shouldn't have been.
i sit for a few more hours and then make the mistake. i call her, we get into it, we havn't argued or fought since she left. we have talked a lot, but not fought. i basically tell her i'm done, i'm not living like this and i am filing. i want out and she can go live her life. she starts asking about s and i tell her that i'm seeking 50/50 legal and physical. she losses it, and asks me if that is so i don't have to pay child support. i couldn't believe it, i'm yelling back that he is my s too and i have a right to see him and be with him.
then she reminds me that she has a lawyer, and she will fight me for s. i try to tell her that she can fight all she wants but in the end it will be money out the door because i will get equal split on him. so we continue to argue. finally i can't take it and end the conversation. i call my sis to come pick me up i'm in no condition to drive. w calls back and starts in on me again. wants to know about all the terms, i basically lay it out for her, that i'm giving her half on everything and no matter how much she spends on a lawyer, in the end the court will split it all, sure i'll have some child support and alimony, but i'll push for a one time payment on the alimony and the child support is so small per month i'll per her yearly.
go home, sis is worried about me but i tell her i'll be fine. i pass out at 8pm. great drinker, huh?
next morning is the s drop off, not sure how to handle this. were do you start, say sorry, won't work. well w pulls up and i basically give it a good swallow. w asks if we can talk.
w says, "i don't want you to worry about last night, you were drunk and angry and i understand that you didn't mean the things you were saying. i don't want to you apologize but i want you to control your drinking or stop and get help." w then proceeds to tell me that she wanted to talk to me this weekend about working things out, but after this episode she can't do it right now. she grabs my hand and tells me i'm a great dad, that she loves me, and that she couldn't have a better daddy for her s. i'm so floored at this point, think i'm being db'ed.
well she tells me that if i want to go to an aa meeting tonight that she will come watch s and then we could spend the evening together. i need to do it so i'm more than happy to.
w then tells me about all the guys, lays everything out. nothing physical has happened, both tried and so she no longer sees them. she says she goes out when she can, but its only with girls and she hasn't done anything that would destroy or marriage. that i just need to give her space and let things work themselves out. she then tells me her dinner date next friday is with her co-worker. he is 65 and dying, poor guy can't quit smoking and has the oxygen tank. i asked why then didn't she just say that. she admits to make me upset, she apologizes for it and says that she has made a decision to not push my buttons any more or take any verbal jabs. thank you. not sure how much i can believe but i have to believe if i'm going to make this work. she was curious why all the sudden my mind was changed and i wanted out. told her i just couldn't keep doing this, at least not like this. she said she wanted me to wait and think about things first. give it time and see.
then she initiates a real hug, held me for a some time. that was really nice. haven't felt her thay physically close in a long time.
well she never showed tonight, called and she had changed her tunr. says we are following the same paterns, alcohol, verbal abuse and then rescueing. she asked if i was still going, i didn't have a sitter, so i told her i was planning on the morning for a meeting. i told her thanks for offering, and not to worry about me or tonight. was really positive and by the end of the call, she was really nice and laughed at a few things.
the crappy part is for the first time, since she left, i've really been careful with the booz, but last night was a bender and not good. i know i need help though and for the sake of myself, i'm going to do it.
waht happened wasn't good, but i think in a way it really opened her eyes, that for one, i'm not going to leave her high and dry in the divorce, but half of nothing is well nothing. she must have talked to someone last night that knows the d code, because she said she realized that she was going to have to work full time, s would be in day care, and things would not be easy and she didn't want that. two, i think she is seeing that eventually i'm going to have enough and push for this, i'm not saying anything to her, but i'm going to wait. i'm back in my mind set that i can't file, i'll never be able to live with myself. i love her too much and it will kill me.
i don't want her to come home, because life will be hard now. i don't want her to come her just for s. i want her to be here because she loves me and wants it. i love her and will do anything to show her this. so sober me from now on. keep up the changes, and avoid like hell the backsteps.
Bummer on the setback. It's definitely frustrating to hear that progress was being made and that W was wanting to discuss working things out this weekend, but now that is back on the backburner. It's even more frustrating because we never know when that consideration is taking place. However, this is why we are to keep up our efforts, even (and esp) when we feel like it is in vain. This new sitch of yours reminds me of one from DR where a woman states that after she and her H reconciled, her H told her he was considering coming back at one point until she did something (can't remember what) to push him away again. Because of that, it took them much longer to work things out. I know that the alcohol played a huge role in what happened this weekend, but you can't play the cards you played last night until you are 100% sure it's time to throw in the towel. I'm glad you're going to get some help on the drinking. It sounds like this will be important not only for you, but for your your W and M.
It sounds like W is coming clean about some things, like trying to push your buttons with the "date" sitch and whatnot. This is helpful, because it shows a more open and honest line of communication. Walls are breaking down, and that is a very good thing.
Quote:
then she initiates a real hug, held me for a some time. that was really nice. haven't felt her thay physically close in a long time.
Awesome!!!
Quote:
i don't want her to come home, because life will be hard now. i don't want her to come her just for s. i want her to be here because she loves me and wants it. i love her and will do anything to show her this. so sober me from now on. keep up the changes, and avoid like hell the backsteps.
I am the same way, bro. I didn't want W to come back simply because life would be tough if she didn't -- that is part of the reason why I've decided to set her up to be comfortable post-D. I also didn't want her to come back because of how the split would affect the kids. I wanted her to come back because she loved me and wanted to be a family because of this. If they ever came back for any other reason, the M could never be at the level of love that it should be and it there would be a greater chance of just going down the same road at a later stage in the game. I'm glad you've decided to reinvest in your resolve to do whatever it takes to save your M, because that is what I believe DBing is all about.
Stay focused and sober, my friend -- show W with your actions that this is something you're going to do no matter what the outcome of your M. Show her you're also doing this for you and the kids.
thanks for the support, it means a lot. w tone towards me defiently has been changing and outside of this weekend we have not discussed the d or r/m for a while. just little things, and the s.
i forgot to add, i found a home for the dog. w was sad, but said it was the right thing to do. i hope she didn't see it as me cleaning up after she left, but i couldn't leave that dog outside all day and feel good about it.
another thing, w brough up the future the other day. s is 2, and she wanted to talk about when he turns 16 and a car. it was pretty funny, and in her little talk i was there in the future. so she is making plans for handling a car with the s, hmmm, hope he isn't driving right now, little dangerous. just thought the future talk was good, although a little far out there.
I'm glad you've decided to reinvest in your resolve to do whatever it takes to save your M, because that is what I believe DBing is all about.
I think I need to clarify that DBing is about doing "whatever it takes" to save one's M as long as it doesn't jeopardize the kind of person you want to be for you and your kids.
i have a question about the s, i'm pretty lost here.
w keeps bringing up the fact that she wants sole custody and s can see me here and there. if i can't work things out with her, then so be it, but i can't be without my s. he truly is little bud, and we do everything together. already asked to go to another baseball game, so hopefully this week.
through our talks about d, i have told w i want s 50/50, but will give her final say. or state has some final say thing, not sure about others. w is in shock, she thinks it is so i don't have to pay child support. i'll still have to, but it will be hardly any, but that is not the point, nor do i care. i want time with my s. i want him in my house all the time, but i'm real about it also. he honestly is my whole life. how can she possibly think that i wouldn't want him? i guess she really thinks highly of me right now.
i have to say, and i'm bragging, his father isn't the best looking man, but he defiently got his mothers genetics, he is cuttest two year old in the world.
