I just got off the phone with MIL. I posted something about this in another thread. I'm really having a hard time with taking the brunt of this.
Is that wrong?
MIL said, "I really am praying for restoration, for a miracle, that's what it will take for W to get past the hurt which is a result of the emotional stuff that you did".
I had to bite my tongue. I wanted to say, I understand as I'm having a really tough time getting past the fact that W is having an affair and refuses to stop, as a matter of fact, W is going to see her "friend" in a couple of weeks, nice little weekend visit and then going back in September for another weekend. Yes, I understand the difficulty in getting past somethings.
What difference would it make? No one would believe me. I have a hard enough time believing it all myself and I was there!
Talked to an attorney that has cases heard in my county. She is very reasonable, offered to handle this as a mediation.
I don't want to file. It seems so anti- all my work up to this point.
W had a coniption last night. W started talking about what she will have to do to make it. I told her the dollars and cents side of it. W accused me of belittling her, making her feel terrible and that type of thing. W said it was more emotional abuse. I asked how telling her that she will need to make X amount to keep everything as she hopes is abuse? It just is.
Okay.
I told her I was sorry for hurting her, would do anything to take it away.
W asked why I wanted to say something to OW and her husband. I told her that sometimes, sometimes I get angry, hurt and resentful and want OW to feel what I'm feeling. To know that she won't be able to kiss her kids goodnight whenever she wants, to get them breakfast whenever she wants because her husband chooses to D her and there is nothing she can do about it.
W said our problems aren't about OW. I told her that I know that, but OW isn't helping. I know I probably shouldn't have, but I told her that W is choosing to D, W is choosing to not give us another shot, therefore W is choosing to keep my from my kids and my home. I asked her to reverse our roles for a moment and really think about it, what if she really wanted a chance to make things right, to be what she is supposed to be, and that time with our kids, living in our home, all of that is at stake.
Yet I say no. Not only no, but hell no. I won't give it another shot. No soup for you.
Screw it. I would have been better off to turn and talk to the wall. At least I wouldn't expect a response from the wall.
tyler....whatever you do....don't rush to any decisions right now until you can regain your dynamic. In support of you, I personally could not..would not...accept an ongoing affair whether it be OM or OW. I have the SAME anger issues from my W (see her recent spew at me).
Take time out right now. Regroup. Do as people recommended to me....don't get dragged into the spew or defend yourself. Refocus...TIME OUT.
FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
Hi Tyler, Being Me asked me to drop in on you. If you aren't aware, I too have a S involved in an A with another woman. I've also heard the kind of crap you're hearing. Remember, no matter what, they are not responsible for anything they do...in their minds. It gets all twisted up into "if you had of met my needs I wouldn't have had to ..." Trying to reason is useless. I'd give you some really meaningful advice here but I have none! My W and I have agreed to separate. I gave her the choice of leaving the R with OW or ending our M, guess which one she took. All I can say is, that if you are going to separate take your time and do it properly for your family and in order to maintain a healthy (as it can be) R with STBX. Any DBing you do after the separation will hinge on what you do now. The anger will overcome you at times, be prepared. You are right on when you recognize the rollercoaster ride, it's hellish! I'll check in on you again soon.
tyler....good advice from whatisis.....take the time out now and just think. Can you get away?
As for separation, my L told me that the only reason to file for separation is if you think there is a chance at reconciliation. Otherwise, as Jeff223 told me, separation is the same as D..it has all the 'ill's', except YOU are stuck, bound, by still being M'd. I guess this comes down to the question that everyone asks themselves: -is it over? -am I standing for my M too long? -will starting the D or S process push our W's in one direction or the other?
It's tough tyler...I am there now...I am thinking about the ultimate DB No-No....the LBS becomes the WAW.
Just take a time out...for now...stop....
FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
Thanks whatisis and FIB. Thanks also to BeingMe for watching out. Big hugs to you.
Tonight was strange. W is still going to the event which will involve seeing OW. W came into my room tonight after we got the kids in bed and said she needed to tell me something but knew I wouldn't believe her. I figured what the heck, fire away.
W told me that she talked to OW and told OW that nothing else is going to happen. W is done with that and OW agrees. W told me that she had decided this after the fiasco when we were there, but out of stubborness wouldn't tell me. W said that she had kissed the OW the last night we were there but due to everything involved, "it" just wasn't there any longer. Whatever that means.
W is going there still to help OW's brother with a music program. OW is involved in this. W told me that she and OW agreed to continue to be friends. OW also said that she was having qualms as well, as this "can't be good for my marriage either".
So there you have it.
The affair is over, if I am to believe W. I had already decided to let it be. As I see advised on this board over and over. As evidenced by her mention of stubborness, further proof that addressing the affair most often makes them continue it, if for no other reason than to prove a point.
W still is distant. No talk yet of backing down from the D. I've decided to look at all the positives I can, to be happy, agreeable and put a positive spin on the D every time she brings it up. "Yes, living on my own would be a nice break. Half my pay is still a pretty decent living for a single guy. For the first time in almost 20 years I will be able to come and go as I please, that will be a nice departure from the ultimate family guy I have worked so hard to be. This will work out nicely for both of us, we will be fine. We are both in good shape, fun, attractive, and intelligent, there are thousands of people out there that would kill to be with someone like us. We'll be okay."
She still doesn't know how to respond to that approach.
Tyler, they always want to remain "friends" with OP. That is such a dangerous proposition because the LBS is just so damn happy that the A is over that they overlook the idiocy of remaining friends. It ain't over, Tyler, not by a long shot. My W discontinued her "friendship" but became so depressed that when I asked what she needed she said "my friend back". I, not knowing at the time that it was an EA, laid down some restrictions and agreed. In hindsight, I don't know whether it might have made a difference if I had said NO, but that was then and not you. If you read on these threads it is quite common for the WAS to want to continue as "friends", I think they feel it devalues the other or makes the experience shameful if they don't carry on as "friends", they also may be just going underground BUT it can also be that the intention is to remain just friends but we all know where that can go. Just be careful my friend, keep on DBing like your M depends on it because it still does. The rollercoaster ride isn't ending yet!
wii, You're so very right. The main thing with this OW is she is 5-6 hours away. EA can still be on though. I just can't think about it, it's killing me.
I have to keep DB'ing. W announced again this morning, "I just wanted to let you know about that, I hope you didn't get your hopes up. There is nothing left in me for you. I feel nothing and there is no way it will ever come back".
Tyler, firstly, just accept that this where she is at right now. Think about it, she's just ended this incredible emotionally fulfilling R with OW, it hurts bad. She's gonna feel pain, you can't help her with that but you can respect what she must feel. It's also not a bad idea for you to check with an Att.too just to know your legal rights and obligations, you never know where this will go and it's always best to have your ducks in line just in case, I know I did and when W found out I said "I might be a loyal man but I'm not a stupid man!" One day at a time guy, it's all you can do.
