I love the disclaimer. I think your right, I need to let her live her choice. She may file soon, she may not. I don't have control over that. If I follow through with backing up and she files, I have a head start to my resolve. If she doesn't file, she will live life in the fast lane and have her cake, but eventually she is going to feel the regret that sounds like it is already there.
On a good note, she initiated the hug tonight. For the first time in a long time she really grabbed me and came in. God I want to help her, I want her to be happy, just worried I'm going to get flogged any day now.
So I keep expressing my problems here, keep it cool with her and pull back.
Well I'm not sure what to do here. I did the first day pull back and she has called twice.
This weekend discussed about doing an every other weekend thing. Well I talked, she got pissed. I wanted to head out of town this weekend, and she asked what for. Told her for a camping trip. She lost it, that was part of our issues, too much time with friends. She told me that I need to make S a priority and that it wasn't far for me to take off and leave her to watch him. Didn't know being with him was that bad for her. So I stopped her and said you made two statements there and I want clarification. I said your upset about me camping between you and I, and also upset about not making S a priority, which is it. She said not making S a priority. How could she say the other, she left. I said so then last thursday when you went to a bacheloret party and left S with me, was that a correct priority. Ouch! Shouldn't have but couldn't resist, I was too pissed. Got a screw you. Hmmm, hit a bone there. Well I told her that I wanted to follow through with her advice and get out, so I was trying to do that but now she seemed upset. Didn't want to talk about it.
First day of really pulling back and now she is checking on my schedule.
First call: W calls and says that she was wrong about me getting out of town and said she will find a sitter during her shift and watch S this weekend. Didn't mention that plans are cancelled after friend messed his shoulder up in a dirt biking accident. Just said thanks, sounds good talk to you later. Hung up.
Second call: After work call from W, asking if she can come over and do some computer work and hang out. Told her I wouldn't be home tonight, then she said well if you don't mind I can do the computer work tomorrow at work and pick S later, told her "sounds good, see ya later."
Should I be this short on words? Should I keep her from the house and me this much? She is being very kind in the calls, I don't want to go backwards here.
I think you are handling it just right. You said that as soon as you pulled back, she took some steps toward you. You are seeing that pulling back draws her toward you. I know it is scary to think you might be pushing her away too much, but it doesn't sound like you are doing that in your last post. You have to find that balance between not being overly attached to her and not being overly cold to her. It can be tough, but it sounds like you might be there already.
Funny, she just called again. It was about the last call again. She stated that she really had to do this extra work, and she offered to pick him up late tomorrow or I could bring him in the morning, she reiterated that it would be fine to stop by after and get him. Probably didn't make the right choice, I thought another free night to party for her. Told her to pick him up and that it would be fine. She said she would be there.
Hmmm, only reason I can think she would call was to have the night off, can't speculate why the night off, have to leave that alone. Probably should have given that to her.
Watch your anger, Atlas. She is looking for it, and will use it against you.
Be calm, polite, and asolutely merciless. Take care of S and be as understanding and helpful as possible on that one and only issue. Otherwise, pull back completely. GAL like a madman, be happy, do not include her. Show her what it is she is asking for.
Disclaimer: Well, you read my last thread (new one soon, I promise).
Your advice is always appreciated. I'm actually really good with the anger with her. Don't show and express any of it. I'm really calm and cool. I have to learn to control it in my own mind though when I'm alone. That is tough. But I'm working on it and I need to start some reading on it.
Atlas - hey. Finally caught up on your thread again. Whew, busy four or five days huh?
You have been getting excellent advice. I want to echo what WC said. It's good to pull back and all, and GAL, but don't try to punish W or teach her a lesson. Keep it short and sweet (and don't forget sweet). Try to help her when you can and want to, especially if it is for your kid's interest. But you don't have to be a doormat or cancel your plans to help her out if you don't want to. A schedule can help with this. Fianlly, there are lots of positives in your sitch still. Lots. But there is alien talk too, and alien conduct. The mixed signals are to be expected, sodon't get disocuraged. I think the mixed signals reflect your W's confusion about what she wants primarily. Do don't put too much stock in the negative feedback.
Hope it helps, Nomo
M 39 W 39 M'd 10 yrs; T 14 yrs S7 D4 Bomb 5-8-05 W not working on M 1-22-07; EA 2-22 DB 4-10 S 6-11 No more C Link
So i'm pretty sure about the OM, not sure if it is a PA or not, don't want to know. BUT, I'm defiently in the situation the book describes where the W has turned outside to fulfill her EN.
DR talks about finding out what she gets from this relationship and doing the same. I so far think it is the affection. I'm doing all I can to say positive things to her, but I also think her PLL is gifts, so I have a little something every time she shows and I always get a sincere thank you. Just like her pepsi, latte, etc.
But how do you go about finding out from her what she is getting out of this, without a) asking, and b) snooping?
The only route I come up with is listen intently to what she says I do wrong, I imaging the opposite of that is what he does right, so I have to do the opposite don't I?
But how do you go about finding out from her what she is getting out of this, without a) asking, and b) snooping?
The only route I come up with is listen intently to what she says I do wrong, I imaging the opposite of that is what he does right, so I have to do the opposite don't I?
I think this is about right. Keep thinking on it. Things wil come to you. Realizations, etc. Think about what her complaints are about you and the M. Chances are, OM is filling some of those voids. He probably makes her feel great about herself.
Do you know OM? I knew my W's OM - he was a friend of hers from work, and we interacted with him at times. He's been to our house, played with our kids, etc. W told me stuff about their interactions (pre-discovery). I found more by snooping (pre-DR). So I had some insights into their R.
Hope it helps, Nomo
PS - don't over do the PLL stuff. If it's too thick, it could be pressure that will drive her away and also be viewed as not sincere. Take it slowly. (maybe not a gift everytime she comes over. How often is that?
M 39 W 39 M'd 10 yrs; T 14 yrs S7 D4 Bomb 5-8-05 W not working on M 1-22-07; EA 2-22 DB 4-10 S 6-11 No more C Link
