Stillme's Chapters Continue

[stillme]

And, oh yeah, I had the mtg w/L this morning! lol Here's a few legal highlights:

L was very nice, very thorough, gave me alot of info (most of it general to FL law or cases in gen'l) & talked very fast. Towards the end of our hour's time (She said the usual consult is 20 min.!) when I said something about the Fat Lady still being on the stage, she said she was happy to hear that and hopes I do whatever I can to salvage the "marital R" (which I liked, instead of just "M") & she even gave me the card of a C who has saved M's even after she (L) has filed the papers & are in the midst of the D. This C would even call my H & ask him to meet w/her to talk about what went wrong in our R (not, initially, anything about 'working on' the M). I tried not to waste the hour laughing - but I do have her card. I also told L about DB/Michelle/Solution-Based Therapy & she wrote the website down & seemed really excited to check it out.

Not to get into all the legalities, but L put my mind at ease more about how I think H may be thinking he can nullify child support by having the kids 50% of the time. (Note to anyone/everyone re this: It's 50% - or 146 NIGHTS - in the year. Doesn't matter if H p/u kids at 6am & returns them at 10pm. If they sleep at mom's, it doesn't count towards H's 146. She's represented H's who are all about this 'loophole' to get out of ch support and, while most H's like the idea/benefits of 50% time-share, it rarely happens o/c b/c of men's work schedules & the busy-ness of chidlren's lives. Judges know this, and rarely grant 50/50 joint custody any more b/c, at some point, they know it's going to crumble & the W (usually) will end up caring for the kids way more than 50% w/little or no increase in the $upport she needs to do so.

L recommends Mediation if at all poss. (She quoted some figure$ on Court trial D - ouch!!) & we talked some about the 'new' trend of Collaborative D - Tho she hasn't been certified as a CD L - yet, she can recommend some L's who are. Also, the first Mediation hrg will not be set b/f about 50-60 days after D is filed, and will prob take 3-5 mo. after that depending on the issues & time needed to compile (mostly financial) info & bring in experts on whatever issues as well to finalize. So, she encouraged me to keep 'working' on the M.

As "only" being M'd 12 yrs (next mo.), I am in the low end of the gray area according to the norm for FL divorce judge rulings (0-10yrs = Judges are not inclined to award alimony; 15+ yrs = Definate alimony), w/an All Or Nothing ruling option. We talked a bit about the specifics of my job issues. She also confirmed what I'd found out about legal sec'y positions/pay in our county - and H is in for a rude awakening.

She said to NOT make any decisions regarding the house YET. Do NOT in any way make it appear the house is as my "exclusive use" (don't change locks, take back the garage door opener...) b/c H's L (if smart) will argue that H is entitled to back mtg reimbursement from me durign our S.

She sees no prob. we me paying certain household bills; and encourages it if it will lessen tension in the R (to allow, at some point, reasonable efforts at negotiations btwn us).

Insted of "Custody", the (PC) terms are "Legal Decision makers", which are (in almost all/any circumstances) awarded to a H/W 50/50, and "Primary Residence" w/most judges saying that children reside primarily (more than 50% of the time) w/the mom (esp for children in the 'nurturing years').

Okay, that's all my notes and I can't remember anything more right now. She did say it is oftentimes advantageous to file for D myself rather than waiting around for H, but I repeated that I was ok w/the status quo - for now.

------------------

Saw H at jj class. I was definately DIM. I gave him a letter he got in the mail today (from his job, but shaped like an invitation) & when S asked what it was H seemed to be talking to me when he said it was a gift cert thank-you for something or other. I actually turned away to gather up D's things in prep for leaving, so I missed most of it. I also put 3 checks (facedown) in front of him w/a pen w/a (impersonal) "Would you sign these?". He says "What are they?", turns them over, sees they are from the ins. co. & says "Oh, the reimbursement for - " (and never says "C", lol), signs & I said "thank you" & that was that.

D, bless her heart, made comments (to me) about being so happy that H & I were in the same place together. I made sure to avoid even looking at him when he was on the mat w/the kids, tho I did overhear that he won Silver at the tournament, and he may/may not have seen the new goodlooking dad talking to me while his D & I pretended my D was a cat laying on my lap.

[SuperDad]

Stillme,
I just want to thank you for posting all of your experiences. It is such a help to see how you are taking all of this and still DBing your heart out.

I really was ready to completely give up a few days ago, but seeing how strong you are has given me hope that I can also be so strong during our separation.

(((Stillme)))

[oldtimer]

StillMe,

Did you agree together to postpone your return to full-time work?

[stillme]

It was not about postponing my return to fulltime work - I never disagreed that it should happen when D started K - but rather how much/what type of work I would do when I did return. WE did agree it was important I stay at home w/the kids when they were young, and did agree on the time of "when D started K" (Aug '06) as the return date.

[ItsKat]

Still-

Sounds like you found a great L. I am glad you set that meeting up and got some good info.

Sounding great, girl!

[ItsKat]

Here's an idea. Why don't you tell H that he needs to get a different job and that you are going to tell him what kind of job he needs to get. Being a former kindergarten teacher, I think that would be a great job for your H. He will feel right at home with all of the tantrum throwing that goes on there.

[stillme]

Some more details. . .

We have never really FOUGHT about the job issue. Ours were always the "We-don't-have-s*x-often-enough/You-don't-spend-any-time-with-me" type. For, literally, years! O/C I didn't 'hear' that he was saying anything other than we didn't do this certain action enough; and he didn't hear that I needed to know he thought me worth his time. . . When H dropped the Bomb, HIS friends wold tell me "You know what J wants, don't you?" and it had nothing to do w/getting a job, or making more money. While I know that it's a big part of his stressful life right now, he's definately re-writing history about the whole issue, and concentrating on THAT instead of anything else.
It's like arguing w/a child.

He wants me to go back to work in Aug. Ok. I'm thinking, literally, AUGUST: D starts school on August X. . .I can go on interviews while both kids are at school. . .I can look for the "perfect TW [one of my old bosses] job" as H would describe it & can take my time (as H has repeatedly encouraged!) until I find one that suits me/us best. It ws NOT all about the money!

However, b/c of the OTHER [no s*x/love] issues, he shuts down emotionally and is gone from me/the M/the kids even more than before. H decides he's "done", decides that D is the answer, - & this is in JULY! Tells me in Oct. IDLY; tells me in Nov. I'm leaving after the holidays.

H is close to making 3digits. He has stock options that, if purchased b/f the co. goes public this yr, will net him close to $100K and, w/i 5 yrs, will make him, as he says, a paper millionaire. There is a bigger picture here, and - not that it isn't stressful & tight right now - it could not have been solved if I'd gotten a FT legal sec'y job this yr, last yr, or 5 yrs ago.

[Reincarnated]

'nuff said.

I wonder if WAS really hear the kids at all when they bring up things like your D did--I tend to think not, by and large. Selective hearing.

Your L sounded very good, and you got the info you needed. Glad you waited on the house decision, and the locks. My L actually steered me away from mediation, because if it comes to a stalemate, Ls from both sides need to be "released" and you have to start all over again--more $$. Mine also encouraged me to file first, file now, but I am still holding that option waaaay in the wings. Got the paperwork, though, and am still plugging away at the financials.

I was glad to hear about the custody / nights per year thing--I will have to check that with my state, too.

Hope that you rest easy after getting the info.

[C_K]

Looks like you got a great Lawyer , are you going to give the C a try?

I liked the bit about arguing with a child , my W would resort to childish behaviour rather than discuss the truth .
Remember when dealing with the WAS , believe none of what they say and 1/2 of what they do .

Take care

[stillme]

A (pathetic) part of me was thinking "Oh, this new C would be GREAT to see w/H [if/when...] b/c H surely won't want to see BS [MY current C] & will want a start-from-scratch C."

So, no I won't be calling her, I don't think. At least not right now. I hate the thought of starting all over again, telling the whole Sorry Story again, bringing a new C up to speed & rehashing all the (bleh) issues. I like my current C; she's given me some really good insights & suggestions (tho they have yet to work on my stubborn H, lol).

L did say that H's just LOVE this (new) C; and they seem to really connect w/her. . .L said that C spent very little time delving back into childhood/parent-child issues& described C's approach to counselling as very Solution-Based (tho not using those words herself). Maybe. . . someday. . .

Take care yourself.
It's past midnight. I'm off to bed.
'night.