NOt sure where to begin....it's been so long since I've posted, tho still read so many of your and have gained so much insight...ideas...guidance that you may not realize you are giving. I just read all of BOUNDARIES...whoa....great stuff going on with you NIk. Lots of great input from LL, Talista, optimist, shinybear and others. It's helping me think about about boundaries. My H has not left home...yet....but has said he might, last Sept, Nov...after the holidays....now he's targeting March. When I look back at the times with pos changes in his behaviors....it is when I communicate with strength..confidence and state some boundaries. I need to do that now, again. I need to get on track with all of you and talk with my C. Brief History: Me 49 H 52 Married 24 S 18, D 21 (both away in college) Bomb with OW last May (32 yr co-worker)....I spied...ugly Not sure if EA or PA, probably both H said he would break it off and work on M He did...(he said)...sees and emails her everyday. Major DB for me....read tons....got DB Councelor... exercised, lost wt, got a job, volunteered, re-connected spiritually at church, reached out to trused friends..keep busy 1-2 nights/wk. We're great at being roomates, friends, get along, acutally feel like I'm treated with more respect...had some long, painful R talks...he's in ML crisis....seems lots better than the summer. Some distant intimacy...then H always has regrets the next morning...UCK...this is getting old. Any suggestions? Anyone savvy enough and willing to connect my few and far between on threads?
Thanks for reading this.....I'll be more brief from here on out. Mooka
Its been awhile, it was nice meeting you at the little Dave n Busters gig last summer w/Calystra...
Sounds like you've made strides with regards to working on yourself while he's wending his way through his MLC, OW whatever...
There isn't much more you can do except just move forward with your own affairs. He has to want to recommit, and of course we can't force them to do it.
If you sense things are such that he knows you want the M and he knows you're willing to keep in this holding pattern while HE decides or whatever..then, I would do whatever you can to maybe subtly suggest that time is more or less of the essence and that you're looking for more than what you're having to settle for. AKA, you're not going to WAIT for ever. When you're actions suggest that, perhaps he may take things more seriously, especially if one of the "two nights" out you're referencing, happens to be a friday or saturday, and he's not quite sure what you're up to...
Other than that, it sounds like he does make some overtures towards the M and thats better than him packing up and moving out..
Did you say he still sees & emails the OW professionally? What is your understanding of where that stands?
Hey Wiley....I, too enjoyed meeting you last summer. Thanks for the quick response and concern.
I am thinking about setting boundaries....I did some of that before T-Giving, and he did get his act together for the holidays, wanted family around, was fun, tried being his old self. Kids and I both noticed it...and enjoyed him. I have a meeting with my C on Wed...might ask her to help me with the boundary setting. I think I need to gently push him....take the risk....cuz I need to get on with my life sooner or later. I have gone out some Fridays....with little notice to him and vague info. He didn't really respond, tho asked a few questions the next morning. I told him the truth...had wine with a friend in a wonderful, elegant restaurant... I'm sure he figures it's one of my female friends (which it was)...he knows I've got lots of them. I'm not very good at acting "as if"....I gotta work on that one. I did sign up for a mixed doubles tennis match and asked them to find me a partner on a Fri night, Feb. 6th. That should be fun...with drinks and socializing afterward. Hey Wiley, how are things with you? I'll check some of your recent posts.
As far as the OW is conerned...I know he works with her everyday, meetings, emails, etc....he has said that he is not involved with her and I have to trust that. I have had a few melt downs over that in Oct and Nov....and I asked again....he says he has to figure out his own passions in life and what makes him happy before he can engage in any relationship. He said he traded in his life's passions for his drive at work over the last 5 years, and now feels no satsifaction there, either....he says he has lots of regrets.....including not communicating his changes and trying to work on our marriage. We both have agreed that neither nurtured our relationship much over the past 5 years....took much for granted, and are very sad about that.
He knows I want "us" to work on our M....that I'm willing to do the hard work.....he makes me sad & mad...cuz he can't even say he is willing to do what it takes. Yet, he treats me kindly, respectfully, plans meals with me, asks me some about my job, family....we talk tons about our kids...we both would do anything for them. OK, enough for now. I appreciate any ideas, thoughts, feedback from you and all you DBers. Mooka
The intimacy issue I was talking about goes like this: At random times....usually the evening after wine/champagne....he might offer a back rub, or follow me upstair when I take a bath....whatever.....then we enjoy each other....but not full on making love. He's definately attracted to me and missing it all...and willing to make me feel good. Then the next morning, he acts distant....yet want to talk. He says things like, "had too much wine last night, got carried away...and it just confuses me more. Makes him wonder what the heck he is doing. He says he's worried I'll read more into it. I respond with...."Hey, it was fun, felt good, and just takes the edge off a little. I have said many times that I have no expectations here....know that we have a lot to work out and am not reading anymore than that into it." He seems relieved.....but acts guilty or something. I spoke with my C about this, she helped me think through it...and thought I should just act casual about it all. That's what I'm trying to do.
I enjoy the intimacy...after all we've been together 27 yrs. It's fun for me....and yes I would love to read more into it, but will not allow myself to do that. Low expectations....be a friend....lovingly distant. What do you think? I am facing challenges I had never even dreamed of or seen in the movies!!
You are doing great!!! Continue to do exactly what you said!!
Quote: Low expectations....be a friend....lovingly distant.
What really helped me was reading the book, "Love Must Be Tough" by James Dobson. It took me a long time to get to the point where I was ready to set some boundaries but the book really helped.
In hind site I would have had a "talk" with H about if he came back it would have to be permanent or don't come home. However; H said if he came home it would be for good and then changed his story a few days ago and says, "I thought I would give it a try." Aliens with selective memory!!
Pray alot, listen to what the holy spirit is telling you and come here to vent!!!!!
You are really doing a great job DB!!!! I so agree that everyone has and is still giving me great advice!!
Nik....thanks for visiting my post and thanks for the positive feedback! I will pick up that book by Dobson, that's exactly where I'm at.
I had a great coaching session today with my DB C...she really helped me to set some concrete goals for the next few weeks. They are: *More 180's...surprise him, do what he leasts expects
*Clear my head with my issues, he reads me well and hates when I become distant with my thoughts (an old pattern)
*Become his Comrad...when he shares hiss struggles about happieness, his future, his lack of passion for life...find a peice of that I can relate to sincerely and share the same struggles....(he thinks I've got it all figured out)
*Initiate intimacy....time it right
So that's my plan....and not appear "NEEDY"....show him I am doing fine without him....
I could use some suggestions for the next few days/weeks...
H came home from a buisness trip Sat just before dinner. We did take-out, watched a movie on TV and snuggled naked. HE said I don't want to do anything I'll regret in the morning..so we didn't get too sexual, but it was very nice.
Sun I went to church, he goes off to "kick around"...I always get suspicious, cuz he could be phoning OW or meeting her for coffee....but he has said that he is NOT in a personal relationship (on 4 occaisions, when I've pressed him in the past...which I stopped doing!) My gander gets up, tho each time he is vague with his whereabouts. My C gave me personal strategies to deal that...so I don't project my insecruities. So, after church I shopped a bit, went to Starbucks...delayed coming home. He calls my cell and asks when am I coming home and if I plan to eat lunch with him. So I casually say...oh I'll be home in about 15 minutes...for lunch. We had also planned to watch the Superbowl together, even tho he was invited to work group Superbowl party...he opted to stay home with me. I felt good about that decision on his part. Anyway...the evening went well, got along fine...no touching...but we ate, drank, and laughed together. I felt good about the 2 nights.
HOWEVER, this morning before he left for work....we were getting along fine, our am routine coffee/exercise....then I decided to tell him about our financial issues re: our car that got rear-ended last Dec....and he became unglued. His temper (which I hadn't seen in several months) got the best of him and he was majorly pissed at me to bring up the crap going on with the insurance co. just before he leaves for the office. Yes, my timeing SUCKED...I totally forgot to mention it over the week-end....he thought my communication timing was terrible. So, instead of totally defending myself (which I used to do, always) I listened quietly, said "I "F#@#@d" up" and left it alone. He steamed all the way to the train station. He then calmed a bit, and said gather all the info and we'll go over it tonight. He got out of the car abruptly, didn't say good-bye and said he didn't know when he'd be home tonight. Yes my timing sucked. I know to keep things light before work...he's under a ton of pressure at work, and has been for 6+ months. He contributes his work pressures to part of his "funk" with life in general. I know he was thinking about me....and here she goes again....making my blood boil at the wrong times. He always thought I was poor at my communications with him.....In fact, that's what I've been working on improving. I think I've improved alot...but slipped this morning.
So now I'm thinking, what would he least expect me to do? I'm wondering what to do tonight when he gets home. I don't want to act too apologetic....he would expect that. I have to think about this today, and figure out something to keep him off balance.
Anyone have any creative ideas? Sorry this is so detailed.
Quote: I'm wondering what to do tonight when he gets home. I don't want to act too apologetic....he would expect that.
I find that sometimes the BEST thing to do...is to do nothing. Remember, he'll be rehashing the exchange in his mind today as well....so instead of apologizing or anything else...tonight when he comes home....'act as if'....NOTHING was said this morning. Let that particular discussion fade into the background. T2
