Stuck in limbo V

[BL42]

Doug54,

Son (15) found out about the breast augmentation and a few details of W's illicit relationship.

That has to be difficult on a teenager, especially a boy seeing his mom do it when she's getting interest in girls. Did he need to found out about the surgery via imessages? Aren't they noticable?

I had to have a talk with him about, "Listen, that's still your mother and I think she's going through a tough time right now and it's complicated."

Good job taking the high road. He knows what's going on and will make his own conclusions anyway.

He seemed pretty disgusted with her, especially since she got the implants and we're not really rolling in money. I think their relationship is definitely frayed for the time being.

Also not your job to fix their relationship. W is making her choices and it's impacting her family. She's going to have to deal with the consequences.

I do kind of feel a little bad for W at times. I can't remember who said it, but I read a line on here about "people who are happy don't make all these changes to their life."

Indeed.

[Doug54]

That has to be difficult on a teenager, especially a boy seeing his mom do it when he's getting interest in girls. Did he need to find out about the surgery via imessages? Aren't they noticable?

She more or less took care to wear loose-fitting stuff, but it was certainly only a matter of time until that cat was out of the bag.

Also not your job to fix their relationship. W is making her choices and it's impacting her family. She's going to have to deal with the consequences.

BL, what do you think happened to your wife? Like, was she not on the young side for MLC? Trying to recall what I read in your threads.

I will tell you, you have been right about trying to slow down in the moment and feelings changing. As I wrote at the top of my last post, I feel like I cycle between wanting to blow the marriage up myself if W isn't going to vs. waiting things out a little longer.

[LH19]

Doug,

Would I would do is start thinking about dealbreakers. Saying I’m riding it out a little while longer is pointless. This isn’t ending anytime soon. It’s highly unlikely she’s going to just magically fall in love with you again. Best you can likely hope for is status quo for the next 7-10 years. If you can live like that for the kids sake then there is nothing wrong with it. I have a friend who hates his W but stays for the kids. It works for him. What works for you Doug?

[Doug54]

Thanks for your thoughts, bttrfly. I'm sorry you had to deal with the loss of both your parents in what sounds like a short timeframe.

As disappointed as I am in my ex, as disgusted as I am by some of his choices and subsequent behaviors, we were together for more than half my life and I loved him dearly. Truth be told part of me always will.

Yes, I struggle with this sort of thought. Nostalgia is powerful. I think when I come to this board, LH gets me fired up about how much better my life will be if I move on from W, DnJ brings me back to earth with his Gandhi-like wisdom and calls for empathy, and Ready2change makes me want to shove W's dresser out of the master bedroom in exchange for a spitoon and a Hugh Hefner smoking jacket.

[bttrfly]

You can love someone and not want to spend the rest of your life with them. Just saying.

[Doug54]

Doug,

Would I would do is start thinking about dealbreakers. Saying I’m riding it out a little while longer is pointless. This isn’t ending anytime soon. It’s highly unlikely she’s going to just magically fall in love with you again. Best you can likely hope for is status quo for the next 7-10 years. If you can live like that for the kids sake then there is nothing wrong with it. I have a friend who hates his W but stays for the kids. It works for him. What works for you Doug?

That's interesting. It's a somber thought, but interesting nonetheless. I recently read "His Needs, Her Needs," an older book that I saw recommended by someone on this board. The author ranked a man's five most basic needs in marriage as: 1.) sexual fulfillment 2.) recreational companionship 3.) an attractive spouse 4.) domestic support 5.) admiration. I'm not saying I fully agree with that list, but I probably would with #1 and #2. And #2 has largely been missing in my marriage. Personally, I could GAL until the cows come home but there comes a point where I crave the companionship part of the relationship.

What is your friend's marriage like, LH? Does his wife hate him as well? Do they do things together?

It is a tough choice if framed solely about the kids - I see my kids every day as it is and would lose that with a divorce. My youngest just turned 6 and has his whole childhood ahead of him.

Also, I still see glimmers of the old W sometimes and that tends to sort of hit a momentary reset button for me.

[LH19]

Holy smokes I agree with all 5 maybe just in a slightly different order.

Nah she hates him too. It’s a very toxic marriage that 100% can not be saved. She cheated many years ago and he’s never gotten over it. She physically and emotionally abuses him and he has zero clue how to communicate with her or his children. I just listen for about an hour a week how bad it is for him but he is staying for kids.

You’re young and you have time to see this out for a year or so. If she’s feeling like a caged animal she’ll eventually want out of the cage.

[bttrfly]

Geez LH. Staying for the kids. To teach them that this is how to behave in a marriage?

Not pro-D but man, gotta think about what the kids are really learning in your friend's sitch ...

[LH19]

Geez LH. Staying for the kids. To teach them that this is how to behave in a marriage?

Not pro-D but man, gotta think about what the kids are really learning in your friend's sitch ...

Yeah it’s not good. I think they at least try to keep it from the kids. No different than teaching kids that cheating and being a doormat are acceptable. It all comes down to fear of the unknown. Scary for many people.

[BL42]

Doug54,

BL, what do you think happened to your wife? Like, was she not on the young side for MLC? Trying to recall what I read in your threads.

I've obviously spent a good amount of time thinking about this question over the last nearly 3 years and honestly don't think I'll ever truly know the answer.

At BD I was 38 and ExW was 35. In fact, I'd thrown her a 35th birthday party with family and friends just a few months earlier. Is that on the young side of a traditional MLC? I guess.

My son was 4 and my daughter 1...a toddler not far removed from breastfeeding. We had just gotten back from a Disney vacation with the kids which seemed to go fairly well; we'd also spent a weekend away at a lakeside resort for our 6th wedding anniversary prior in the Fall.

Were we perfect? Of course not. We had some disagreements on the kids mainly on sweets and screen time (I tended to be more conservative there, but hardly a drill sergeant), but rarely fought. I now understand she's probably one to internalize the issues rather than address them. We definitely lost some priority on our relationship with the very young children and both work commitments. I take some blame there with a new management job and not picking up head up and planning things out in advance, but we were also hardly the first married couple to have to scramble with work and young kids...and I was/am a very involved helpful father. I was actually asking her to spend more time together, to work less (she wanted to go from part-time to full-time, which I guess was a red flag) and spend less time with her friends so we could do more together.

Anyway...we had two beautiful kids, a nice house in a desired neighborhood (which I kept), great family support, good jobs, plenty of money saved up, lots of vacations all over the country and the world...etc. No "major" issues like abuse, or gambling, or drugs, or cheating (until she did). But then, I've learned here that it's not at all unusual "nothing that bad" is reported. I thought we were above average; certainly there are far worse marriages out there that "make it".

So to me in my mind we had a pretty good life and the disagreements were minor things that every couple deals with and we should work through as a married couple and family. Obviously in her mind they were far more serious that she'd have an affair, split up our family, and divorce me over.

One thing I wondered about was she'd just stopped breastfeeding and then stopped her ADs/Anti-anxiety meds which she'd been on for nearly 2 decades, so thought hormones' and body chemistry might've been a factor.

But honestly? I think the biggest factor was the differing model of relationships we both had. My parents are married 4+ decades whereas hers were each married 3 times and her mom had affairs including on her dad and broke up their marriage when she was a teenager which led to her going to counseling for many years and getting put on meds for a decade and a half before we met. I've learned she has a habit of abruptly cutting folks out of her life. She once told me I broke her down to a 0 with the mental abuse, which at the time I couldn't understand at all and spun thinking maybe I did, but now - even though there are times I go back and forth and wonder if I'm to blame and feel guilty about the kids' situation and wonder what others think - but for the most part I accept that she was broken before we met and I can't fix her.

Not that I was perfect. I could've relaxed more on the kids, finances, been less critical, planned out more romantic dates...etc., but suspect she would've gotten just as unhappy with someone else as me. If I'm being honest part of my wonder of OM2 and their relationship is if they'll hit the same cliff we did, as that would validate me a little to say "see, it wasn't all me"...but I know I shouldn't dwell on that.

Anyway, who knows. Like I said, I'll never have a 100% bullet proof "answer" to "what happened". It doesn't matter now...all the king's horses and all the king's men...

Probably more info than you wanted with your question lol but you got me thinking about my sitch again, coming up on 3 years since BD. Hope that helped.