I also thought the fact she didn’t go down the ‘I feel the gift applies pressure to me to reconcile’ route was interesting as well. I fully expected her to say that at some point.
Don't have expectations of what she will and won't say. And whether she said it or not, she could still be feeling it.
As a corollary to: "Believe none of what they say..." -- "Just because they didn't say something, they could be thinking it."
I know - just trying to give myself some positives at the start of the day to help set me off on the right path!
Bit apprehensive as I’m off away for two nights tonight to go stay with friends in London. I’m sure I’ll have a good time, I know it’s the kind of thing that I need to do to ‘move on’, just not ecstatic at the thought of leaving my son for two nights.
I haven't been BD'ed yet, but I agree with what others have said:
If you W starts being nice or pleasant in a friendly way, this is not a turn towards recon. It is either the friend zone or the ridiculous zone (Thanks Maika for putting a name to the surreal state of my own sitch!). Steve85 said it well on a different thread recently (paraphrasing): If you're not sure or confused, it's not recon. You will know when it's recon.
I sense some confusion you have about DB which I also struggle with, but I am understanding better. Many of us NGS, needy men are drawn to DB. It is paradoxical and counter-intuitive, but it offers a solution to our problem: a path towards recon. But then we are told to give up on recon! It is confusing, but we tell ourselves, okay, I'll try it, but we still secretly want recon.
Then we DB for awhile. We start simple: 180s, GAL, PMA, detach, validate. It's unnatural, we get conflicting "results" from our experiments. We get frustrated by the lack of progress. We know D is likely but we deny it. We are grieving the loss of our MR as we knew it. Then something clicks. For me this happened about a month into DB. We start to let go of the "only acceptable outcome" (recon) and start to face the fact that we have no control. We accept ambiguity. We know we have to be prepared for anything. We work on our own issues. We aim to be AMOAFWL, and also accept that may not be sufficient for recon. We continue to make errors in DB and every day is not the best, but we try. We realize we cannot (and should not even try to) control our W. The accumulation of years of hurt, distance, whatever, have caused too much damage, too much strain. We use the pain as fuel to better ourselves. The sitch becomes a gift, not a curse. It is the ultimate prescription to cure the anxious preoccupation we bring to R's. Today, as scared as I am, I am EXCITED because I know I have taken a couple steps on the marathon towards working through my issues and becoming a much much happier person. Maybe I will be a single dad, maybe we will recon. I don't know. I certainly know that I need to find happiness from within and not from my W.
I'm struggling to word this correctly.
My point is: You will be attracted to advice here that is WAS-focused. "Don't pressure," etc. The very same advice applies for your own self-improvement. Try to follow the advice with a focus on yourself, not your W. It will help you achieve some perspective and even out the emotional roller-coaster.
Just to be clear - I am not a vet here. I comment when I find someone in a similar position as myself doing things I recently did. Sometimes when I do this I am harsh, because I like when people are harsh to me and bring me to reality. My own sitch is an absolute dumpster fire.
There is a common fallacy here that our WAS is experiencing a similar reality to ours. It's not even close. This is part of the reason to let go of expectations. The logic of "If X, then Y" does not apply. I've had some completely insane interactions with my W lately. They literally make no sense. I'm grateful because it's helped me stop obsessing over what they mean.
2 nights in London sounds like ideal GAL time. Enjoy it, focus on enjoying your friends. It's not even about moving on, it's something any H/W should do in a healthy MR regardless. It relieves pressure from your S. This is something I will be doing even if we do reconcile -- more stuff with friends, maintaining R's I have neglected.
Just to be clear - I am not a vet here. I comment when I find someone in a similar position as myself doing things I recently did. Sometimes when I do this I am harsh, because I like when people are harsh to me and bring me to reality. My own sitch is an absolute dumpster fire.
There is a common fallacy here that our WAS is experiencing a similar reality to ours. It's not even close. This is part of the reason to let go of expectations. The logic of "If X, then Y" does not apply. I've had some completely insane interactions with my W lately. They literally make no sense. I'm grateful because it's helped me stop obsessing over what they mean.
2 nights in London sounds like ideal GAL time. Enjoy it, focus on enjoying your friends. It's not even about moving on, it's something any H/W should do in a healthy MR regardless. It relieves pressure from your S. This is something I will be doing even if we do reconcile -- more stuff with friends, maintaining R's I have neglected.
Unichen - Thank you. I didn’t feel your words were too harsh - being ‘straight forward’ is kinda like a I am so I don’t take offence. N fact this is one aspect my W has picked me up on over the years. She feels that towards her at least, I should show more sympathy and empathy. These are things I’m trying to work on as part of my 180.
I appreciate all comments made by people on here - being a LBS just after BD is a pretty lonely place - feelings of rejection etc so to know that people spend even 10 seconds reaching out means so,so much.
Your wife flashed giant blinking red lights for years about to signal this is a problem (sympathy and empathy)!!! OBVIOUS golden 180 opportunity!!! Do not pass this up, or treat it lightly as "one of those things to work on."
Read the Validation thread. Learn the skill. It is easy to understand but hard to master. You can practice it with anyone in any conversation. Post snippets here for people to critique. It can sound robotic.
More important than Validating correctly, avoid Problem Solving. My W today: "I scuffed the car." Old UC: "Should we take it to the dealer to get checked out?" New UC: "Oh no! So sorry that happened to you."
I am getting there slowly. I think the guitar chat last night was a good way for me to practice and as I felt it went well, it’s kinda like ‘oh, I’ll do more of the same’.
I find it tricky to be validating whilst not knowing what’s in her head and with this whole situation hanging over me - the thought of our son having to go through this kills me inside.
I’m off away for the weekend, but all I can think about is my wife and son, the situation we’re in and what message me going away for 2 nights sends to my wife. She is fine with me going (I told her about it two weeks ago) and she said it would be good for me to go as I ‘need support through this from friends’.
But all I’m really doing is concentrating on Sunday evening, when I know I am going to return home, to give my son a big cuddle and spend time with him and hope, hope that during the two nights apart that she will have spent with her Dad staying, that in that time she will have talked things through with him and she realises that we do have a chance of being together (I have no idea on his views on the situation other than two weeks after BD she told me her Dad was not going to take sides in case there was a reconciliation).
I guess I’m just looking for support from here, based on the last 7 pages of thread that there is still a chance for us. Because I’m spiralling, and I can’t see that at this minute.
Jimmy, I am so sorry that you are spiraling today. I have been spiraling for months now. I am so sorry that we are going through this. If I have learned anything through this situation it is empathy and the knowledge that divorce is causing so much sadness in this world. I don't know how to end my sadness because I love my wife so much. I do know that I have connected with some great people who are trying to help me through this living hell. I have buimya small group of support friends and family that have really been great to me through this (my sister, a former teacher/pastor, two coworkers, and an amazing friend). I didn't talk to anyone about my situation for the first 10 months. Then I started telling a few people. This really helped to have a close group to talk to.
