Hello everyone. Not sure if this is the right forum, because i am divorced but here goes. I was on here years ago for a little bit. More of a lurker. Also did coaching. I changed my name on here as I was found out, long story. I appreciated the advice I got here.We were 39 + 40 at bomb drop day. Together 9 years. At bomb drop my XH seemed like he was falling into depression. I didn't know what to do. Textbook from here on out: He's acting weird, I find a million text messages, accuse him of affair, he denies, and lashes out at me. Everything under the sun wrong with me. I freak out, beg plead cry, he sinks deeper in his funk. He told me he wasn't happy, just needed space and wanted to be happy. He moved out. I was crushed. I was by then reading DB and in IC. I'd see him from time to time, mostly about his stuff and separating accounts, etc. I tried to be kind, but inside I was dying. No talk of reconciliation, just he wanted more space. He filed, we sold house, divorced. He moved away. That is the short version I guess. Well now take a guess who has surfaced after all these years. (question one for you all, is this healthy to find out the truth?) anyway, yes, had an affair. Broke it off but his dad died and he went back to her. this was during our separation. Said he was totally depressed and she made him feel better. He also said he was afraid if he was honest about it I would never take him back. so he doubled down and she moved in with him. It lasted two years. They broke up, he's had a few short term things in the last few years but reached out to me because he has "woken up". he said he was so sorry and wished it never happened. he'd do anything to get me back.He's in therapy for depression. This has brought up a world of hurt. but, when Job says it isn't about you, she is right. she's right about everything actually!! Ok I will stop here.
Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.
This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first.
Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H/W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Me-64, D32,S31
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
i think it is always best to know the whole truth. Sometimes there isn't a lot to be gained from it, other than trusting that you've been told anything that might possibly be relevant.
I'd be interested to find out why your XH kept going back to the OW whenever he fell into depression. Has he been able to tell you what it was about her that he found helpful for his depression?
It would also be interesting to know a bit more about how many years it took your XH to work his way back to you from Bomb Drop. How long did it take you to feel OK again?
Are you OK with the idea of reconciliation? When you say it's opened up a world of hurt, are you saying you are reliving the pain again? Or is it something else?
We do not hear much from the other side of this, so apologies for so much interest. I do feel for you and what you are facing.
I am not clear on the timeline of your situation. 9 years together before BD. Broke up after 2 years of H living with OW after his Dad’s death. I imagine a fair bit of time in affair before this 2 year stretch. A few other short term things in the last few years. You mention he has reached out “after all these years”. So, overall a significant time frame.
He has apparently awakening, sorry and wished these events never happened, and is in therapy.
You are opened up to a world of hurt.
Originally Posted by Wave22
question one for you all, is this healthy to find out the truth?
A thoughtful and relevant query, especially regarding a healthy continuation of your own path.
You have been through this for years and I am pretty sure you know and have seen a lot. The advice of don’t believe what they say and only half of what they do is still relevant. What are his actions showing and/or proving?
In answer to your specific question.
You are two different people at this point. You do not need to know what he has been up to, anymore than someone else you would date. His past and choices has made him who he is.
Anything he wants to share absolutely needs to be the truth! That is the only healthy option, speaking for truth vs untruth. It does not need to all be revealed at once, and most likely cannot. Him not talking about something, or being unable to, is ok, just don’t lie about it.
Eventually he, or someone else in your life, would share their past. None of us are baggage-free, something we all have to accept.
You speak of the world hurt that has been brought up. To me that shows you have feelings and care towards him, empathy. The fact that you didn’t just slam the door in his face, and reached out here - has some indicators within.
Originally Posted by WAve22
sorry and wished it never happened. he'd do anything to get me back.
My own projections and empathy pouring out here: It looks like you are interested in a relationship again. Friends maybe, more maybe.
He can’t get you back. You and he can only start again, at some level, if you wish too.
That is the most true answer I can give you.
Truth is absolutely most important, you just don’t need to know all of it.
I would love to hear your take on this, and more about your situation.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Hi all. Yes, coming from the other side i will try to get to all of your questions. it is truly bizarre and pretty upsetting actually. Devvo to answer your question The OW was a giant mess herself. It's all an escape, running away from life. She knew he was married and chased after him. The kind of person that does this...is not a prize. Right now i dont want to give a specific timeline because she did come on here and caused me quite a racket. BD was years ago. And, yes, he is being totally honest and wanting to come clean and apologize, etc. Very remorseful. But he is not well. He is not out of his depression and is totally unhappy with his life. the AP is just an escape.Things they dont want to face. It's exactly why the vets say don't focus on AP, and mind read. Also XH was so angry and resentful at BD that anyone without any of that is easier to talk to. And hi DNJ. I have caught up on your sitch. You are very strong and wise. I can't say I was.
Very remorseful. But he is not well. He is not out of his depression and is totally unhappy with his life. the AP is just an escape.Things they dont want to face.
Boy can I relate to this! My H was suicidal when I found out, saying he's a terrible person, etc. etc. But, this was round 2 (2 different people 7 years apart). So, he knew it would be awful for him, (and me) if I found out, but he was compelled to follow through with a full blown affair anyway. He was desperate for his escape and the good feelings an affair brings, however fleeting. He is also depressed, and has a lot of self-worthlessness and never measures up to anyone (even though he is handsome and successful in his work).
Hi Grace, yup, that exactly. XH not suicidal, but still very depressed. After OW went very badly, he's had a few more relationships that haven't worked out. And hi KML, you are right. I kept single for a long time (as per vets advice here) and met a wonderful man. I think though, in talking to him (XH), he never saw me moving on, he had no idea about anything about my life. Was suprised to hear about my dating someone (which is that thing, thought i'd stay right as i was?)
So, he didn't poke his head out until now. My new man knows the story, says i should go back into IC to process all of this. I agree, now i need to go through that process of finding someone i like. ugh. I would have given my arm for him to come back years ago. Now, it just...hurts? i dont know, i am processing a lot. Is he remorseful? yes, very. Being truthful? Yes about everything. All the stories match. AND as many vets would know he didn't remember SO MUCH. I knew that too, from this board. His resurfacing is as i have read about so many times here. And back then like I said would have killed for it. I DBed my butt off. I dusted myself off time and time again. Keep it up, friends. You are all doing the work and in my case, letting him go, his divorce, being kind about it (mostly) led to this. I am glad for this site to not have obsessed over the OW- of course he affaired down!! they all do!
Last edited by job; 01/28/1905:46 PM. Reason: added spaces between paragraphs
Thank you for coming back and sharing. And for proving that eventually dbing can work.
I can imagine it isn't easy for you now that you have moved on to have to reopen those closed doors. It is a lot to process but I guess first you need to figure out what you want. Once you know that your path will reveal itself.
Best wishes
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
Wow Waves. What a predicament you are in. I am trying to put myself in your place but, of course, it is difficult. I am in the moving on phase but I would still take my H back if he was willing to do the work. How I will feel five years down the road, I’m not sure. I think you just need to take some time to figure out what you want with no pressure from either your XH or your new man. I think your path will eventually become clear. (((HUGS)))
