Hello everyone, Yep I really hate that Im here and can't believe that I am here. Ive read a lot of stories and I know I am not alone here. Here is my story. Ive been married for 17 years. We have 4 beautiful children. We are religious family etc. We never really fought . Typical marriage. No abuse and every thing was solid. She was 20 and I was 28 when we got married. Im now 47 and W is 38. On April 7. My W asked if I would go for a drive. I said sure. While driving I asked. Whats on your mind? She asked if I was happy. I said sure. Sometimes I feel stressed but yes I am happy. What about you. She said..I am not really that happy and then this one ILYBINILWY. I was shocked! She's said she wanted to move in with her parents to see how things would go. We talked briefly and I said OK but usually when someone leaves its a bad sign. She left and 1 hour later she came back and said she wanted to work it out a home. I was so relieved. I told her I loved her and that we would get this figured out no matter what. Here is a small bit of info.My wife was diagnosed with kidney disease about 12 years ago. Her kidneys are now at 15% functioning. So from April 7 until May 20 the day she left again, I was treating her so so good. Making sure she was comfortable and picking up a lot of slack. I thought things were going great and it was getting better for her. On May 19I ask how she was feeling about our R. I fully expected her to say it was awesome. I was wrong. She said, I don't feel like were on the same page anymore. I don't have feelings for you anymore. I need to go find me. Its not you its me. You'll never change. I want to go stay at my parents. I had asked her this once before but I asked again if there was someone else. She said NO. Then I asked if she had feelings for some one else. She said I don't know but I think I might. Then she said she hasn't acted on any of her feelings and needed to get away. She works at a grocery store. She has only worked there about 2.5 to 3 years. Before that she was a stay at home mom. As time went on she would come home and talk about all the cool people she worked with and stories about how everyone compliments here looks. She is very attractive. I would get a little jealous but never told her. . Okay, sorry this is long. So she's moved out. Of course the next 2 weeks I begged, pleaded, sent flowers, bought her a necklace she exchanged for earrings. I went on a business trip for 4 days and had time to read and find out everything I was doing was wrong. So I tried to back off and give her time and space. In the mean time she is now spending more time with OM. I am being calm and collected and trying to be a good listener etc. She says he is just a good friend and I like him..like like him a lot. A week later she says that they've kissed so now it went from EA TO PA. Of course I am devastated and I am so hurt. I tell her she needs to end the affair. She said she liked kissing him and doest want to end the R. I finally found out who OM is. He is a coworker, 33 and single never been married. My W has had a crush on this guy for at least 2 years that I know of. In the mean time. We went on one date back on June 2. She won't go on anymore. As a family we spent 4th of July together. On July 9 I called her and asked, what are we doing? It seems you'd rather spend more time with OM now. She agreed and then said she had made up here mind and wants a D. I could not believe my ears. My wife of 17 years, mother of 4 with Kidney failure wants a D. So is she love struck or is it a MLC?? I hadn't been needy or desperate for weeks. She knows I am hurt. She called and said her co workers told her I would use OM to get full custody etc. She was in a panic and I said that yes I would. She said but this would be happening regardless of OM. And that she has wanted out for years!!. I told her I was seeing an attorney and needed to protect my self. After things calmed down I called and told her I would like to talk it out before we go get attorneys. She said she had signed up for a class to help fill out D papers. I asked her to skip it for now. She agreed but insisted she still want D. Since then we made schedule for kids 50/50 and we are civil and actually like each other. We text only about kids. She still goes to work and hangs out with OM occasionally but I know she wants to be with him more if she could. Her Kidney failure makes her tired etc. We went to a B day dinner for our son last Friday and then on Saturday we had cake. I was totally cool and didn't bring anything up. I love my wife and want her to come out of the Fog/Limerence. I am very strong for my 4 kids and keep a positive attitude. But inside I am broken and miss here very much. She is not the same person I knew just 3 months ago. Its like she is under a spell just against me and no one else. We love each other unconditionally because of our kids. I think she planned this for months and the OM helped her hit a breaking point. I know there are some veterans here and all I want is hope. I will end here and check back later. Thanks in advance.
Last edited by Cadet; 07/26/1808:19 PM.
ME 47 W 38 M17 T20 Separated 5/20/18 D-bomb 7/9/2018 Nothing Filed 4 kids ages 6, 10, 14, 15
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Thanks Cadet, I see this is probably a computer generated response. If anyone else is on here reading, feel free to ask me any questions. I'm sure there are many great people on here that can kind of point me in the right direction. My desires are to have my WAW return to her family. I can get any of you up to speed on my sitch. Thanks in advance for your help.
Lane777
ME 47 W 38 M17 T20 Separated 5/20/18 D-bomb 7/9/2018 Nothing Filed 4 kids ages 6, 10, 14, 15
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted by Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Thanks, I plan on having someone order the books for me under their account so my W doesn't see any transactions etc. We still share a bank account right now.
After reading Sandi story...I may have a WW on my hands not sure shes a WAW. Any help figuring that out will be greatly appreciated.
Last edited by Cadet; 08/16/1803:36 PM. Reason: combine posts
ME 47 W 38 M17 T20 Separated 5/20/18 D-bomb 7/9/2018 Nothing Filed 4 kids ages 6, 10, 14, 15
As Cadet says your story is very similar to many others here like mine.
One important thing to keep in mind is that despite some appearances of reluctance your wife is 2 years ahead of you in thinking about this and planning it. This isn't something that happened overnight. It takes deliberate thought and a series of actions repeated over time for her to have gotten to where she is right now.
Now - before I go too far, I want to be open about the fact that I didn't save my marriage. I know that is what your focus is on right now and that's fine. But my comments may be slanted in a direction that you don't want to hear.
From the brief bit that you have shared thus far I think that it is indeed safe to say that you have a WW vs a WAW. The selfishness, the lack of thinking through actions and consequences all point to that.
The first thing you need to do is to protect yourself and your kids. If you haven't done it already, get tested for STDs. People who do the selfish act of infidelity don't worry about the consequences for others.
Even if you don't separate finances see if you can set alarms on the bank accounts. For example I get a text on any bank transaction over $100 and on all credit card transactions. While it won't stop any chicanery it can give you a heads up like when my ex removed a large portion of our savings account without discussion or agreement so that she and OM could go on a tropical vacation.
Educate yourself on divorce law and your rights and obligations. Don't expect your W to be helpful or cooperative. Some lawyers will do a free consult.
Make friends with people like your banker and such. Do you have any IRL friends who you can talk to? I was astounded that when I was going through the worst of things who was there to lift me up when I reached out my hand. Also see if you can get yourself into counseling. The professionals can help you build the tools and skills needed to survive this.
Right now she's operating on a high that she's "getting away with it". This isn't about you or even OM. It's about her and her selfishness.
Stay strong. You need to be the sane parent.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Hi Andrew and nice to meet you. I think you right. Im sure its a WW. And yes, even though it was so sudden for me it took 2 years in the making for her to go past her breaking point. She has made up her mind. The more I read into Sandi's story and her advise the more I need to change everything that I am doing. I have been the "nice guy" letting her be a cake eater. She is definitely operating on a high. At this point Im just going to have to change the way I have been doing things. Ive given her space and time but I have always been the one to make contact. I will text about the kids but I feel I am overly nice about it...like at the end I would say Have a good day etc. I just need to get to the point where I am not thinking about the next contact.
Yesterday she had the day off. I was at work. She came to my house to take my son to dentist. My daughter was sick in bed. She checked on her and then took s to dentist. She came back and dropped him off and then left for the rest of the day. If that were me and I was off I would have taken them with me and spent time or just taken care of them. To me that is very selfish. Later that night my oldest daughter called to see what she was doing. She said just hanging out at a friends house. So OM. I didn't sleep very well. She takes the kids tomorrow for 3.5 days.
I really hate that this is happening. I don't want a D at all. I think she feels guilty having an A and want to get the D to put those feelings away.
Today I am not going to text or reach out in anyway. Hopefully I can go for a while and see what happens.
Thanks for giving me a few pointers. Actually most of them I am on top of.
ME 47 W 38 M17 T20 Separated 5/20/18 D-bomb 7/9/2018 Nothing Filed 4 kids ages 6, 10, 14, 15
