My wife and I met when she was 20, I was 34. I had been married previously and had 2 kids, ages 4 and 6 at the time. My first wife cheated several times and my parents also had divorced due to infidelity. We had a great relationship and were that couple that everyone was jealous of. After 4 years we got married. Things were still going great. 2 years later our daughter was born. My wife was also working full time and going to school, trying to get accepted into a nursing program. About 8 months ago she began to get a bit distant from me. Looking back now I can see it probably went a little further back than that. About 6 months ago we started to go to counseling, which did no good at all. By that time we were still kissing, say ILY, sleeping in the same bed, but there was no real intimacy. About 4 months ago, she stated that she was no longer attracted to me and she wanted to stop saying ILY, touching, kissing, etc because she just wasn't feeling it. We were still sleeping in the same bed, just not touching at all. 2 months ago we got into a little argument when she got home late from work. At that time she said that she wasn't happy and left that night to stay with her mom. She has been there for two months now. We talk everyday at least once when our daughter calls to tell the other one goodnight. We occasionally will text something, typically about our daughter. We have also gone out a few times, both with our daughter and by ourselves. We get along good and haven't fought any since she left. I believe a lot of that has to do with changes I've made through solo counseling, coaching, and reading everything I can get my hands on. I feel better about myself than I have in years. I have brought up "us" two times in the past two months, but have been very non-pressuring, basically just asking how she's doing and where we're at. We really haven't discussed what our status is, there has been no mention of divorce, and we have agreed to abide by our wedding vows while apart.
Some other things:
-She did say in counseling that she always sacrificed herself to make everyone else happy (ie didn't go out often with friends because she thought I would get upset due to my past) and felt she could no longer do that. -In counseling she did say several times "I just need to pull my head out of my ass and be there for my family", which never happened. -She met a new single female friend at work about two years ago, who quickly became her "best friend". This friend likes to go out and drink and is very promiscuous, and my W started to go out more often with her work friends about a year ago. -We are both in individual counseling, although she doesn't go very often. -We have been planning for about 9 months for her to quit work in January and finally go to nursing school full time. She is still planning on that which has included being on my health insurance, student loans that we have already applied for together, etc. We have no discussed the logistics of that if she is not living here or we are not together. Also, it is an 18 month program. -She stopped wearing her wedding ring when she left for her mom's, I am still wearing mine.
Currently she is 30, I am 44. Our ages have never been an issue for us. She has always been "old" for her age (she was living on her own at 16 while going to high school). I guess I am "young" for my age (people think im in my mid 30s usually). Our daughter is now 4, our other kids are 15 and 17. She has had very little contact with the older kids, they have tried to talk or text but get a short reply. They are getting pretty angry with her and the situation because they feel she abandoned them also.
I am being patient, giving space, and not pressuring her at all. I feel that I've made great changes in myself, but I know I still have some work to do. I would love to start having more intimate conversations with the W and try to build back the trust and attraction, I'm just not sure where she's at mentally and emotionally.
What do you think?? Thanks!!
ME44, W30 D17, S15 (mine from previous) D4 T:10, M:6
I was thinking MLC, but is it typical for us to get along pretty good during that? It kind of confuses me because I'm not sure how to act towards her. Should I stay distant, or try to arrange activities together as the counselor has suggested?
ME44, W30 D17, S15 (mine from previous) D4 T:10, M:6
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
My wife and I met when she was 20, I was 34. I had been married previously and had 2 kids, ages 4 and 6 at the time. My first wife cheated several times and my parents also had divorced due to infidelity. We had a great relationship and were that couple that everyone was jealous of.
Can you describe a little bit about the end of Marriage 1? How long were you single? What is your R like with XW? What kind of custody arrangement do you have with the older 2?
Originally Posted By: cb757
About 8 months ago she began to get a bit distant from me. Looking back now I can see it probably went a little further back than that.
Like....how? Just being more quiet? Or spending more time with others? on phone? etc.
Originally Posted By: cb757
About 6 months ago we started to go to counseling, which did no good at all. By that time we were still kissing, say ILY, sleeping in the same bed, but there was no real intimacy. About 4 months ago, she stated that she was no longer attracted to me and she wanted to stop saying ILY, touching, kissing, etc because she just wasn't feeling it. We were still sleeping in the same bed, just not touching at all. 2 months ago we got into a little argument when she got home late from work. At that time she said that she wasn't happy and left that night to stay with her mom.
Frankly, Im having trouble believing that there isnt an OM in some capacity. You didnt mention one, but you didnt really discuss it. What is your take?
Originally Posted By: cb757
We talk everyday at least once when our daughter calls to tell the other one goodnight.
How much are you talking? Your D is 4 now - I would think she can talk on the phone without needing a conversation between you and W.
Originally Posted By: cb757
We have also gone out a few times, both with our daughter and by ourselves.
Can you describe this? Who initiated? What kinds of things are you doing?
Originally Posted By: cb757
I have brought up "us" two times in the past two months, but have been very non-pressuring, basically just asking how she's doing and where we're at.
Id knock this off. There is no "non-pressuring" way to ask "where are we?"
Originally Posted By: cb757
We have been planning for about 9 months for her to quit work in January and finally go to nursing school full time. She is still planning on that which has included being on my health insurance, student loans that we have already applied for together, etc. We have no discussed the logistics of that if she is not living here or we are not together. Also, it is an 18 month program.
This sounds like a pretty big expense for you. What are your thoughts on this?
My wife and I met when she was 20, I was 34. I had been married previously and had 2 kids, ages 4 and 6 at the time. My first wife cheated several times and my parents also had divorced due to infidelity. We had a great relationship and were that couple that everyone was jealous of.
Can you describe a little bit about the end of Marriage 1? How long were you single? What is your R like with XW? What kind of custody arrangement do you have with the older 2?
Marriage 1, we tried to work things out, but one day she just decided she was done. We did not get counseling or really do anything to fix the problems. I was single for about a year when I met current W. R with XW was horrible for a few years, now we are actually good friends and she babysits the 4y/o D. She is remarried with 2 other kids. Me and XW have 50/50 custody with the older kids.
Originally Posted By: cb757
About 8 months ago she began to get a bit distant from me. Looking back now I can see it probably went a little further back than that.
Like....how? Just being more quiet? Or spending more time with others? on phone? etc.
A little while after our D was born intamacy slowed down. She had some body issues from the pregnancy. Not much spending time with others until she met the new female friend. A lot of that was her coming to our house when I was home, they would usually just go out on the deck and talk and drink. She's always kept her phone close and spent time on Facebook, Pinterest, etc. so that hasn't really changed.
Originally Posted By: cb757
About 6 months ago we started to go to counseling, which did no good at all. By that time we were still kissing, say ILY, sleeping in the same bed, but there was no real intimacy. About 4 months ago, she stated that she was no longer attracted to me and she wanted to stop saying ILY, touching, kissing, etc because she just wasn't feeling it. We were still sleeping in the same bed, just not touching at all. 2 months ago we got into a little argument when she got home late from work. At that time she said that she wasn't happy and left that night to stay with her mom.
Frankly, Im having trouble believing that there isnt an OM in some capacity. You didnt mention one, but you didnt really discuss it. What is your take?
Yeah I have been suspicious of an OM, but have had no evidence. She is typically accounted for, either at work, school, or with our D. When she was questioned by our counselor, she said "I don't want to be with myself right now, why would I want to be someone else?". I have asked her before and she always flatly denied it, but I know I can't trust what she says right now. I would probably lean more towards an EA. I know that the new female friend has taken a lot of her emotional attention, so could that be considered an EA?
Originally Posted By: cb757
We talk everyday at least once when our daughter calls to tell the other one goodnight.
How much are you talking? Your D is 4 now - I would think she can talk on the phone without needing a conversation between you and W.
We talk on the phone every night. When we talk to our daughter, she always says "Ok here's mommy/daddy" and gives us the phone. It's usually just how was your day and shoring up plans for our D. When we do a drop off, we usually talk for 10-15 minutes, just small talk kind of stuff. We also text most days a few times, typically thing about our D. Some days she is really talkative and some days extremely short.
Originally Posted By: cb757
We have also gone out a few times, both with our daughter and by ourselves.
Can you describe this? Who initiated? What kinds of things are you doing?
It's usually me who initiates. We went out alone for our anniversary on 10/22 (couples massage and dinner). We went to the shooting range the week before that. We went out to friends on Halloween for a party and so D could trick-or-treat. We have done some other things with our D like school functions and Disney on Ice.
We went on cruise (all 5 of us) in July. Me, W, and S(15) also went to Boston for the weekend and the end of September for a Patriots game.Two days before she left we went to a handgun course together so she could get her concealed carry permit.
Originally Posted By: cb757
I have brought up "us" two times in the past two months, but have been very non-pressuring, basically just asking how she's doing and where we're at.
Id knock this off. There is no "non-pressuring" way to ask "where are we?"
Gotcha. It's been several weeks since I brought any of this up.
Originally Posted By: cb757
We have been planning for about 9 months for her to quit work in January and finally go to nursing school full time. She is still planning on that which has included being on my health insurance, student loans that we have already applied for together, etc. We have no discussed the logistics of that if she is not living here or we are not together. Also, it is an 18 month program.
This sounds like a pretty big expense for you. What are your thoughts on this?
I want to be there for her and support her in this, but not if our future together is in doubt. I really don't want to be tied to her student loans, even though in some way I probably will be regardless. I really don't know how she can do it if I'm not helping. She definitely needs my health insurance, etc. I'm not sure if she has even thought about this stuff. I really want to address it with her but I figure it would be pressuring.
Originally Posted By: cb757
What do you think?? Thanks!!
Keep posting. Youre in the right place!
ME44, W30 D17, S15 (mine from previous) D4 T:10, M:6
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Thanks for all of the great advice! What do you all think about the wedding ring? She’s not wearing hers and I was just thinking about taking mine off for now. Not to show that I’m giving up, but to maybe show her less pressure and also to let me distance emotionally a little more.
ME44, W30 D17, S15 (mine from previous) D4 T:10, M:6
